Idol Live Blog: Top 9 Results

8:50: Greetings from a toasty Casa b-roll! Thanks to another 90-degree day, the temperature in my apartment has risen from “tropics in August” to “outer reaches of Hell.” On the upside, our apartment building has informed us that our air conditioning will be turned on by the middle of next week, when it’s predicted to be in the mid-60s. Fan-freaking-tastic. Anywho, back in 10.

8:57: An unrelated, pre-Idol thought: How many times over the years has Tyra Banks solemnly/robotically said, “Congratulations, you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s next top model.” Hundreds? Thousands? Does she say it in her sleep? Yes, I watched the last five minutes of ANTM. And I’m curious.

9:00: This week’s contestants: Brought to you by St. Peter.

9:01: Ryan’s “prepare yourself for a surprise or two” plus my random uneasiness are making me a little worried what the texting masses of America hath wrought…

9:03: Who’s a shocking loss – Lee? Crystal? Casey? If it’s really that shocking the judges will use their save, right? RIGHT?! Deep breaths.

9:04: I may have to google our first live performer because I’ve never heard of him before. Just FYI.

9:05: Oh sweet Lord, a group number. Well, this makes sense. My apartment’s 118 degrees, so the contestants singing an auto-tuned, Mickey Mouse Club medley of the Beatles ought to complete the nightmare.

9:08: So, that happened. Ever think you’d yearn for a commercial break? Yup, me neither.

9:09: I just ran and checked the DialIdol predictions (NO I AM NOT HYSTERICAL, WHY ARE YOU ASKING) and they have the contestants ranked in the following way according to voting patterns, most votes to least: Crystal, Lee (both definitely safe), Katie, Michael, Siobhan, Casey, Aaron, Tim, Andrew. Last week, they had Didi ranked 5th. Oh God.

9:12: Was the Ford music video budget tapped this week? “Just wear your own clothes and dance in front of a green screen, we’ll give you a kaleidoscope to pass around, okay? Good.”

9:14: Are they doing that thing where they separate them into three groups? That never ends well. I always end up with a “what the WHAT?!” reaction at the end of it.

9:15: Katie’s helpfully wearing a “Let it Be” tank to remind us of what she sang last night. Thanks.

9:16: All of the girls are safe, thank God. It’s about time. Although that news couldn’t have been broken in a more awkward way. “Walk over to the middle. Now you go back. Now all go back!” Worst Red Rover game ever.

9:19: I really relate to this Wendy’s commercial (where the employee keeps removing stuff from the burger) because I am now counting calories, and it’s a total bitch to go “What if this sandwich had no mayo? Still awful for me? What if I only eat half the bread and one piece of meat? Still no? Okay…(sighing heavily)…remove the cheese.” That’s always the last resort. If someone could make a low-cal, full-taste version of Potbelly’s Italian Sandwich, I will be forever in your debt. No, seriously. I’ll nominate you for sainthood.

9:22: The Kara mentee with the awkwardly-placed hat and Michael Jackson-lite moves emerges. Still unclear about his name. Please stand by.

9:24: Jason DeRulo. It took four different stabs at spelling “DeRulo” into Google before finally ceding and typing “kara dioguardi jason…” to make that happen. Ladies and Gentlemen, the hourlong Idol results show!

9:25: Kara gives him a standing ovation. I stare apathetically. I will give him credit for being better than Ke$ha and her amazing stumbling television sets, but it’s not like that’s a tall bar to clear, yes?

9:28: So now that the girls are safe, we know that one of the evictees will be a guy. Methinks that a Casey or Lee elimination would be shocking (particularly after Casey’s performance yesterday), while Aaron would be mildly surprising. If Andrew or Tim go home after Ryan’s tease, we can conclude that the word “shocking” no longer has meaning in the Idol universe.

9:30: Glee is coming back at 9:28 next Tuesday? Um, why exactly?

9:31: Wow, David Archuleta hasn’t aged, huh? Except for the combed-forward hair, still the same ole Archie.

9:33: This is not quite the version of “Imagine” that he sang a couple of years ago – that was slower, and guitar-based. I can’t believe I know that so readily. I need to pause momentarily and reevaluate some things.

9:34: Nicely done, Archuleta. That always was his best performance, in my humble opinion. I also loved Jennifer Hudson’s version, way back when.

9:35: He hasn’t changed a bit. He might as well have “aw, shucks” tattooed across his forehead.

9:38: Sorry for the delay. My browser crashed. God bless, Safari.

9:42: I feel badly for Big Mike, but that’s about right (in terms of bottom three).

9:43: Hot computer on my lap + sweltering apartment = unhappy b-roll. I’m suffering for my art, faithful readers.

9:45: This Jon Hamm voiceover for Mercedes reminds me: I have to watch that online video of the Mad Men cast drunkenly singing “Bye Bye Birdie.” I may or may not have stumbled upon it and emailed myself the link so I wouldn’t forget. That’s been on my to-do list all day, but sadly I was derailed by work and blogging. I need to refocus my priorities.

9:48: I’m in complete disbelief at Rihanna’s ability to wear this catsuit. She must not have a granule of cellulite. Unreal.

9:50: I hope Rihanna appreciates the irony of her lyric “All I’m missing is a black guitar” since she has one and apparently cannot play it in real life. By all means, honey, use it as a prop. That’s why they make guitars.

9:53: Call me old-fashioned and/or cranky, but am I the only one who’s getting sick of mediocre auto-tuned, electro-pop/R&B songs with nothing much to them getting wide exposure on this show (especially on a show in which “Imagine” was just performed beautifully)? Couldn’t we get some actual, decent singer/songwriters to perform? Are Rihanna and Ke$ha really the best we can do?

9:56: Really, Ryan? Mentioning that they’re both fathers, trying to make better lives for their families? THAT WAS NECESSARY? Beyond cruel.

9:57: Well, you had to think that was how it would be; Andrew’s ouster wouldn’t be at all shocking. Kill it, Big Mike.

9:58: I feel like the judges will save Big Mike, and then regret it next week when someone else they love goes home. But either way, this was a lovely performance. Well done, big guy.

9:59: Ryan, just let them tell him the news without bringing up his daughter. Honestly.

10:00: I don’t want to say “I told you so,” since my prediction is only half correct at this moment. But “I told…”

So, that was dramatic! I really do have a sinking feeling that Siobhan or Casey or someone really good will go home in next week’s double-elimination (while Tim and/or Katie keep smiling and winking at the teenagers of America), but let’s hope that doesn’t come to pass. I am off to my own personal steam room/bedroom, where I shall work on the first part of my Favorite Baseball Movies list, coming tomorrow. See you then!

2 comments

  1. Great and funny recap, but I beg to differ with you about Archie’s original Imagine. I remember him playing the piano back then too. I could be wrong, but that so seldom happens I thought I would chime in here.

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