6:45: Good evening, folks! My New England Patriots are giving me ulcers, so I thought I’d switch over early to E!’s red carpet coverage of the Golden Globes. Yeah, that was a great idea. Just as I switch over, Natalie Portman arrives and we get the following incisive commentary:
Giuliana: “Natalie Portman looks beautiful! Let’s get some analysis!”
Whoever’s up on a platform twenty feet above: “Giuliana, from this angle, Natalie Portman looks absolutely gorgeous!”
Well, thank God they’re here. Did you know that Natalie Portman was beautiful, both at sea level and from above? OMG, me either! Okay, I’m a little punchy. I blame Tom Brady.
6:47: Now Ryan and Giuliana have given their microphones to Julie Bowen and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family. This is the best idea that anyone at E! has ever had. For the record, Bridalplasty was the worst, just inching out any of the eighteen shows involving the Kardashians.
6:50: And Nicole Kidman shows up, looking lovely. I read an article recently in which she said that she tried Botox once and didn’t like it, so she’s never used it again. I don’t want to be cynical and/or foulmouthed, so I shall just tell you that my reaction to this news was something akin to “male cow excrement.”
6:55: Apparently the Patriots scored a touchdown in my absence, and I’m too superstitious to break the good karma and switch back. Son of a…
6:56: Glee cast members should be required to sing in interviews, especially when they’re saying Disney princess things like, “I just loved the pink, it looked so happy and free!”
6:57: Natalie Portman is taller than Ryan Seacrest. I’ve seen her in person; she’s the height of a Cabbage Patch doll. HOW SHORT IS RYAN SEACREST?!?!
6:59: Re: the Patriots game (I know, you don’t really care), a friend just tweeted me that he felt like he was in The Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a good thing, and a good thing never really dies.” My response: “I feel like Brooks, climbing onto the chair.”
7:01: Ryan Seacrest to Jake Gyllenhaal: “What do you like to listen to?” Jake Gyllenhaal: “Music.” Well, then…
7:03: Did Ryan really just ask Jake Gyllenhaal if he got to test drive the Viagra (for Love and Other Drugs)? Oh, dear God…
7:04: Not loving Emma Stone’s dress, what with her hair/skin tone. Also, I knew it was Calvin Klein even before she said anything; their dresses always look like jersey t-shirts that haven’t yet been hemmed at the waist.
7:05: And Scarlett Johansson arrived, fresh from a wind tunnel. Holy backwards beehive, Batman.
7:06: Giuliana: “We have so many stars lined up, it’s not even funny.” Hasn’t been for a while there, G.
7:08: I know I’m being snarky tonight, b-rollers, but the Patriots are kind of making me hate the world. Bear with me.
7:11: Oh God, it’s Justin Bieber. Apparently he’s presenting, and he’s honored – he just told Ryan that “they put it on my schedule, so I showed up.” Awesome. I feel 97 years old.
7:13: I love how Ryan was afraid to ask Jane Krakowski if she’s pregnant, even though she looks like she could give birth by the announcement of Best Actor – Comedy or Musical.