7:10: I wasn’t going to live-blog the Oscars this year. I’m rusty at blogging, my computer enjoys stalling at crucial moments just to toy with my sanity, and I have a cold and have just come off of a week of intense party planning. So maybe I’ll just lay low and watch from home this year, with Nyquil, leftover birthday cake and beer. (In no particular order.)

Oh hey, did you hear that the Oscars are doing a salute to movie musicals this year, which only happens to be my favorite genre? And there will be real live performances of some of the best movie musical numbers of all time?

Okay, fine. FINE. Damn you, Academy, consider your bait taken.

Back at 8:30 with cake, beer and a quasi-functional laptop. Enjoy the red carpet, b-rollers.

8:30: Ladies and gentlemen, Seth MacFarlane! He makes Tommy Lee Jones laugh on the first attempt! TLJ clearly took his Xanax this evening.

8:31: Annndddd we leap right in to the jokes. Apparently we have to sprint through a monologue to get immediately to the musical numbers.

8:32: A Jean Dujardin joke! It’s a little mean, thank God he barely speaks English.

8:33: Is there a laugh track? The Coppola joke was kinda lame, and yet garnered a huge laugh. I call shenanigans. (Or maybe they installed a laugh track after the Franco/Hathaway debacle.)

8:35: I was expecting a lot of star cameos. I did not see Shatner getting the primo spot. I mean, I’ve seen Shatner recently on ads for local law firms.

8:36: “Why can’t Tina and Amy host everything?” Amen, Shatner. Amen.

8:38: If Channing Tatum doesn’t turn this into a striptease, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

8:40: But damn, I can’t deny a good fox trot.

8:41: I’m ashamed of how much I enjoy sock puppets.

8:42: I would watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt in anything. Which I kinda did in 2012, since he was in every damn movie.

8:46: Maybe not so much with the Joaquin Phoenix cutaways, Oscar director. He’s the only guy who could out-grumpy Tommy Lee.

8:49: Best Supporting Actor goes to Christoph Waltz. I have yet to see Django Unchained, but have the general feeling that this performance was Inglourious Basterds’ Colonel Landa 2.0. Am I wrong, b-rollers?

8:51: Jack Nicholson is wearing his own sunglasses and Pee Wee Herman’s tie. So that is happening. (more…)

Hello folks! (I know, my last post was on the Olympics. Let’s just accept that I suck at this “blogging consistently” thing.) However, I simply can’t miss the opportunity to live blog an awards show, so let’s watch (and judge) the Emmys together, shall we? Excellent! Check back at 7:45ish and we’ll get this party started. Feel free to share predictions in the comments.

7:43: Welcome, b-rollers! A few highlights from the red carpet, which I’ve been watching haphazardly for the last two hours:

• Hey, did you know that Giuliana Rancic had a baby? (I know, she’s really kept that under wraps.) Well, God help any celebrities who wish to discuss their Emmy nominations; “the joy of new parenthood” is the only topic available for discussion this evening.
• Giuliana asked Jena Malone if it’s difficult keeping the plot of the second Hunger Games movie under wraps. Considering it’s based on a best-selling novel read by millions worldwide, I think that ship may have sailed, G.
• The E! ticker at the bottom of the screen is presenting information such as “Amy Poehler thinks that ‘Climax’ by Usher is the best makeout song” without any further context, and I’d really like to know more about this, please. (The conversation between my roommate and I: “Who’s she making out with, anyway?” “Clearly not Will Arnett.“)
• I contemplated ordering takeout, then remembered the live blog debacle of yesteryear in which my food arrived during a Neil Patrick Harris medley. Related: Campbell’s Italian wedding soup and Cheez Its is a much tastier combo than you’d think. Is Top Chef accepting applications?
• Congratulations to E! for creating the “ManiCam,” in which talented actors and actresses stick their hands inside a shoebox  with a webcam and are reduced to Thing from The Addams Family. I totally tuned in so that I could see a close-up of Jane Krakowski’s fingernails. Well done, E!
• Themes of the red carpet (besides Giuliana’s new baby): Gray, seafoam, plunging necklines and soft gauze overlay. I’m banking this information for my next Old Navy visit.

Who’s your best-dressed so far, b-rollers?

8:04: Anyone else feel like that concept lost steam at the 90 second mark? I think Mrs. Coach made it watchable. Humble opinion.

8:05: First Philo T. Farnsworth reference! Drink! (Kidding.) But seriously, first Honey Boo Boo reference. Drink!

8:07: For the record, I’m already wearing my fat pants.

8:08: That was an awfully lackadaisical monologue, no? Does Jimmy Kimmel have an early call time tomorrow or something?

8:11: No nominee clips this year? I realize that will shorten the show, but it will also make it about 15% less interesting.

8:12: And Eric Stonestreet wins Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy for Modern Family. What are the odds he Ving Rhames this thing and gives it to Ed O’Neill?

8:16: I’d rate the first 15 minutes of this show as “underwhelming.” (As is the live blog so far, I’m a little rusty. But in my defense, Jimmy Kimmel clearly is too.) (more…)

8:30: Here we go! Morgan Freeman comes out first, which is a much classier intro than I was expecting.

8:31: George Clooney kissing Billy Crystal?! Oh, so beautifully played. Also, way more interesting than The Descendents.

8:32: “I’m here to get you the 18-24 demographic.” That’s the only time it’s acceptable to integrate Justin Bieber.

8:35: “Showtime.” Welcome back, Billy.

8:36: After last year’s debacle, I’m surprised the audience isn’t leaping out of their chairs and charging the stage. Especially since they keep showing the older audience members, who look, let’s just say, appreciative.

8:37:”The Chapter 11 Theatre.” An inside baseball joke that totally made me laugh.

8:38: I could watch Jean Dujardin smile broadly for hours. Of course, I saw The Artist, so I kinda did.

8:39: Martin Scorsese’s tween daughter looks underwhelmed by Billy Crystal’s medley. She’s probably the only person who misses James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

8:41: Tom Hanks comes on to present our first awards! Moving right along, eleven minutes into the show.

8:43: First up: Cinematography. Way to start with the sexy awards, producers. Robert Richardson wins for Hugo, which I totally called! (Here are all of my picks, for your easy perusal.)

8:44: And we move on to Art Direction. Again, we couldn’t have started with something more interesting? Not knocking the art directors, but we’d all like to know what Christopher Plummer and Octavia Spencer have to say. (more…)

5:30: Welcome to the E! Red Carpet, b-rollers! We have three hours of this, then a three and a half hour Oscar show. Oh my holy God, what have I gotten myself into. Well, let’s dig in, shall we? Seacrest, IN.

5:31: Ryan Seacrest breaks the news that Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana may appear tonight for the first time as a couple. Neither of them is nominated for anything, but thank God we have this information.

5:33: Giuliana is wearing a dress that is a little Bjork’s swan-ish for my taste, but she still looks lovely. And I am hungry just looking at her.

5:34: It’s not possible that the guy sharing Kelly Osbourne’s red carpet position is Armie Hammer’s slightly less-handsome and probably gay twin, is it?

5:35: Giuliana is on a platform interviewing the eleven year old who played George Clooney’s other daughter in The Descendents. So, for the record: No, no one has arrived at the Oscar red carpet yet. Carry on with your normal lives, people. I’ll keep you posted.

5:37: Ross Matthews is strategically posted next to a pool somewhere, so he ought to get the really good interviews. Ah, his job tonight is to monitor social media, which can also be done by ourselves on a home computer or smartphone. The fine folks at E! really question the intelligence of their home audience.

5:39: At the first commercial break, we get an ad for the 3D re-release of Titanic. Lots of folks who remember me breathlessly seeing it four times (and sobbing copiously) in the winter of ’97-98 have asked me if I’ll be seeing it again this year. Uh, no. I was 15 then. I now know it’s not that great. But thank you for asking.

5:41: As I informed my roommate that the other girl from The Descendents was being interviewed, she said, “What was her character’s name? Scout? Scooter?” It was Scottie, but I would’ve liked that movie 28% more if her name had been Scooter.

5:42: Kermit and Miss Piggy are there! And Ryan admits that he is as tall as the Muppets. I KNEW IT!

5:44: Penelope Ann Miller is a smart cookie; she shows up at 5:40 and gets five solid minutes of interview time with Seacrest. I look forward to Jean Dujardin getting nudged aside for Brangelina after twelve seconds at 8:15.

5:45: Brian Grazer is giving us a tour of the Oscar backstage. I wish I had more interesting information for you than “really big film reels onstage,” but this is significantly less interesting than it ought to be.

5:47: Armie Hammer’s little brother is apparently an Oscar expert named Ben. I would like to know more, please. Could we maybe get a graphic with his name and credentials? Thanks so much.

5:49: A John Carter commercial! Yes, I will mention every single one, because I heart Tim Riggins. I actually tried to convince a friend to see the movie with me by saying, “I cannot stress enough how little shirt he’s wearing.” (more…)

7:45: Good evening, b-rollers! It’s 15 minutes to Go Time, if you have any interest in the SAG Awards. I’m skipping red carpet coverage tonight because there’s only so much Ryan Seacrest that one person can take in a lifetime, so instead, I’m watching the Pro Bowl. I’m a woman of many interests.

Let me tell you about my day: I planned to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but was feeling too tired after a full day out yesterday (that involved seeing Shame – thoughts to come this week!), so instead I stayed lazy and watched several episodes of Law & Order (apparently today’s marathon theme was “deeply weird”), and then got sucked into the Lifetime movie The Pregnancy Pact (it was not good). I think we learned an important lesson today, b-rollers: Even though I will eventually see (and critique) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, I am almost certainly not smart enough to understand it.

Anyway. Back shortly.

7:50: Hey, random thought while watching the Pro Bowl: You know how all of the players on each conference team wear the same color (NFC blue, AFC red), but they wear their own team’s helmet? (Well, you do now.) Do any players get upset if their team’s helmet clashes with the uniform? If I was a Cleveland Brown, I would be seriously upset by the ugliness of my orange helmet/red jersey combo. In retrospect, maybe I should be watching the red carpet.

7:58: T-minus 2 minutes. The SAGs always begin with that (occasionally awkward) “I am an actor!” spiel. Who’s your money on for best and worst “I am an actor!” moment, folks?

8:00: Revised: Nothing could be more awkward than this pun-happy voiceover woman telling Jesse Tyler Ferguson to “get his dance on” and Brad and Angelina to “have a fun time!” It’s all uphill from here.

8:04: Not many clunkers among the actor speeches this year, although this really makes you wish they broadcast the Writers Guild Awards, no?

8:05: Right into Best Supporting Actor! That’s the way to power onward, SAGs. Armie Hammer looks a little tense, probably anticipating some “Hey, how ’bout that pot bust?” questions. Maybe a little hair of the dog, Armie…

8:06: Christopher Plummer wins! Get used to that, people. That’s one category we can lock down right on through the Oscars.

8:07: I tweeted this a while back, but allow me to mention again: Right after the Golden Globes, I got a ton of traffic to my blog from people googling some variation of “Christopher Plummer’s nose.” (It’s still purple.) I’m filled with pride, people.

(more…)

7:12: Happy Sunday, b-rollers! We’re t-minus 45(ish) minutes from the start of the Golden Globes. In honor of this evening’s host, Ricky Gervais, I have had a very large beer, so this might get interesting. I’m about to check in with the NBC pregame show – sorry, red carpet; I’ve been watching a lot of playoff football this weekend – and will start snarking in short order. Please standby.

7:20: And we’re live! I’m happy to report that I’m live-blogging from my home in New Hampshire this evening, with my parents nearby. So expect a lot of b-roll parental exchanges this evening, such as me identifying Mary J. Blige, then my Mom asking what the hell she’s doing there. (Original song, I think?) This should be fun.

7:23: The red dress worn by one of the NBC co-hosts confounds me. It is side-less. How is that possible?

7:25: A John Carter promo, starring shirtless Tim Riggins! I’m so glad I skipped E. This almost makes up for FNL not getting a single blessed nomination. ALMOST.

7:26: How many marine mammals in danger stories do we need? Didn’t A Dolphin Tale come out six minutes ago? Hollywood is so out of ideas.

7:28: Madonna still sounding slightly, strangely British. To quote Gosford Park, “Is she British, or just affected?”

7:31: My Mom’s take on Claire Danes’ dress: “It looks like one of the rejects on Project Runway.” Well, then. (She’s also officially horrified that her comments might end up on the live blog. Too late.)

7:32: A lot of shiny, chain-mail-type dresses on the red carpet tonight. Not a trend I would have foreseen, gotta say.

7:35: Thank God Leonardo DiCaprio is this good-looking, because the oral J. Edgar Hoover bio that he’s delivering is boring the everloving crap out of me. (more…)

6:45: Good evening, folks! My New England Patriots are giving me ulcers, so I thought I’d switch over early to E!’s red carpet coverage of the Golden Globes. Yeah, that was a great idea. Just as I switch over, Natalie Portman arrives and we get the following incisive commentary:
Giuliana: “Natalie Portman looks beautiful! Let’s get some analysis!”
Whoever’s up on a platform twenty feet above: “Giuliana, from this angle, Natalie Portman looks absolutely gorgeous!”
Well, thank God they’re here. Did you know that Natalie Portman was beautiful, both at sea level and from above? OMG, me either! Okay, I’m a little punchy. I blame Tom Brady.

6:47: Now Ryan and Giuliana have given their microphones to Julie Bowen and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family. This is the best idea that anyone at E! has ever had. For the record, Bridalplasty was the worst, just inching out any of the eighteen shows involving the Kardashians.

6:50: And Nicole Kidman shows up, looking lovely. I read an article recently in which she said that she tried Botox once and didn’t like it, so she’s never used it again. I don’t want to be cynical and/or foulmouthed, so I shall just tell you that my reaction to this news was something akin to “male cow excrement.”

6:55: Apparently the Patriots scored a touchdown in my absence, and I’m too superstitious to break the good karma and switch back. Son of a…

6:56: Glee cast members should be required to sing in interviews, especially when they’re saying Disney princess things like, “I just loved the pink, it looked so happy and free!”

6:57: Natalie Portman is taller than Ryan Seacrest. I’ve seen her in person; she’s the height of a Cabbage Patch doll. HOW SHORT IS RYAN SEACREST?!?!

6:59: Re: the Patriots game (I know, you don’t really care), a friend just tweeted me that he felt like he was in The Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a good thing, and a good thing never really dies.” My response: “I feel like Brooks, climbing onto the chair.”

7:01: Ryan Seacrest to Jake Gyllenhaal: “What do you like to listen to?” Jake Gyllenhaal: “Music.” Well, then…

7:03: Did Ryan really just ask Jake Gyllenhaal if he got to test drive the Viagra (for Love and Other Drugs)? Oh, dear God…

7:04: Not loving Emma Stone’s dress, what with her hair/skin tone. Also, I knew it was Calvin Klein even before she said anything; their dresses always look like jersey t-shirts that haven’t yet been hemmed at the waist.

7:05: And Scarlett Johansson arrived, fresh from a wind tunnel. Holy backwards beehive, Batman.

7:06: Giuliana: “We have so many stars lined up, it’s not even funny.” Hasn’t been for a while there, G.

7:08: I know I’m being snarky tonight, b-rollers, but the Patriots are kind of making me hate the world. Bear with me.

7:11: Oh God, it’s Justin Bieber. Apparently he’s presenting, and he’s honored – he just told Ryan that “they put it on my schedule, so I showed up.” Awesome. I feel 97 years old.

7:13: I love how Ryan was afraid to ask Jane Krakowski if she’s pregnant, even though she looks like she could give birth by the announcement of Best Actor – Comedy or Musical.

(more…)