THE VOICE Recap: One More Time

Welcome to The Voice, b-rollers! We’re back for take 2 of Team Adam and Team Cee Lo, but before we get to any singing, we spend six solid minutes watching Carson Daly beg the entire judging panel to focus and use their words, as they’re giggling like teenagers with helium bottles because Cee Lo is apparently battling some epic flatulence. I’d comment more on this, but I’m trying to erase it from my long-term memory. Adam and Cee Lo will be performing with their teams onstage tonight, so hopefully, Cee Lo’s, uh, issues will be under control before then.

Onward to the singers! Thank you, God. (more…)

THE VOICE Recap: What the HELL just happened?!

Good day, b-rollers, and welcome to The Voice! Does the title of today’s recap concern a) Christina Aguilera’s inexplicable sudden death decision, b) Christina Aguilera’s inexplicable wardrobe choice(s) during her group performance number, or (c) all of the above? Read on to find out! And oh, you guys, there’s so much to talk about. Settle in.

But first: A quick apology for skipping last week’s results show recap. It is a terribly busy month in the life of b-roll, and that got lost in the shuffle, so mea culpa, folks. On the upside, singer/model/obnoxiously oblivious contestant Erin Martin was voted out last week! Nice job, AMERICA. I knew you had it in you.

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THE VOICE Recap: I’m Starting to Hate the ’80s

Welcome to a whole new week of The Voice, b-rollers! A few important lessons learned from this week’s Team Adam and Team Cee Lo performances:

  1. Mortals should not attempt to sing Adele’s music; or, as Adam more eloquently states, “Adele is a freak.” We all think that “Starry Night” is a masterpiece, and some may even be able to paint it by numbers, but there was only one Van Gogh.
  2. Cee Lo really, really wants to host VH1’s I Love the ’80s: Volume XVI. He knows there was music made after 1988, right? He’s made some of it, that’s kind of why he’s a mentor. Maybe his contestants will be eligible to sing something from the last 20 years soon? Just wishing on a star here.
  3. Adam Levine should stop trying to make “polo shirt buttoned to the tippity-top” a fashion trend.
  4. Jamar Rogers will win The Voice, because that is how reality television works.

Let’s dive right in. (more…)

The VOICE Recap: Your Move, America

Welcome to our second consecutive day of The Voice recaps, b-rollers! Tonight’s episode is only an hour long, praise be to God. Let’s dive right in!

We open with several very wide shots of the studio, in which we see a clump of people at center stage lit by roving lasers and cheered on by screaming audience members. It takes us a good 45 seconds to get a close-up, so I’ll guess that these are our contestants surrounding Carson Daly, but who can be sure. Was this shot from a satellite or something? It seems unnecessarily artistic.

Anyway, Carson introduces our judges, and thankfully, Cee Lo has ditched the spandex get-up for a sharply studded red jacket that would severely injure that cat. Also, Carson explains how this evening’s results will work, and makes a not-that-complicated scenario sound like a calculus equation. For the record, of the 6 contestants (per team) who performed last night, 3 were already voted through by AMERICA, the other 3 will sing a “save me” song, and their team mentor person will keep one. Not that hard, right? Carson practically breaks out a whiteboard. (more…)

THE VOICE Recap: Get on the Good Foot

Good day, b-rollers! Welcome to the live shows! I was going to do a live blog (makes sense, right?) but I totally lied; I’m doing a recap instead. I cannot plan to be sharp and witty on a Monday, it just won’t happen. You’re cool with that, right? Awesome.

We begin with Carson Daly reminding us that it was only eight weeks ago that this whole thing started. (For real???) And yet, each judge has only changed his or her clothes once. Consider. Anyway, the judges have “painstakingly” (debatable) picked their teams, and “agonized” (ditto) over who to advance from the battle rounds. But tonight: Blake and Christina’s contestants perform and it is “UP TO AMERICA,” which is perfect since AMERICA has never made an unfortunate choice in one of these televised singing competitions.

And finally, at long last, we’re live! Carson Daly is wearing a suit! Adam is sporting a buzz cut! Cee Lo is wait a second what in the holy hell is Cee Lo wearing?!? Oh, you guys. I cannot. But I must, right? That’s the deal we made? Okay. Cee Lo is dressed like James Brown, complete with a shiny red, low cut (no really, it’s happening) spandex jumpsuit, and a hairpiece that he keeps flipping like Farrah Fawcett. Just when you think that Christina’s sartorial choices can’t be topped, Cee Lo goes and ups the crazy. And it’s on. (more…)

THE VOICE Recap: Cease Fire

At long last, it’s the last week of battle rounds! Welcome, welcome, b-rollers.

Before we jump in, a quick note: I think we may have found The Voice‘s achilles heel. There are only three phases, all of them endless, and in two of them, we have to stare at Christina’s head-scratching (literally) fashion choices for weeks on end. That hat plate was delightfully eccentric in week one, and now I’m ready to heave it like a discus out of my field of sight. Anyone else? Even Carson Daly’s voiceover sounds utterly delighted about moving on to the live shows next week.

Our first battle tonight will feature Cee Lo’s team: Boston mechanic James Massone will take on Wade (this “no last name” trend must be stopped, particularly for those with names as common as “Wade”) to the tune of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors.” Because who loves the ’80s? CEE LO LOVES THE ’80s.

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THE VOICE Recap: Get Excited

Hello, b-rollers! Welcome to week 17 of the battle rounds, or as Carson Daly calls it, “the most exciting phase of The Voice!” Don’t we still have one more phase after this? Apparently the live shows will be a letdown. Also, good news, folks: for those of you who are just dying for a peek at another of the eight Snow White movies this year, The Voice will premiere the Snow White and the Huntsman trailer later in the show. This is helpfully reinforced with a graphic superimposed over two-thirds of the screen at several points during the show, which is not-at-all distracting. Let’s begin!

First up is Adam’s team, and we will finally, finally get to watch our suspendered-friend Pip, who will be singing Amy Winehouse’s “You Know I’m No Good” against a Bieber-bowl-cutted young man named Nathan, and I think I speak for everyone when I say (aloud), “Who the hell is Nathan?” Turns out, Nathan (Parrett) – who, incidentally, dresses like he’s co-starring with Pip in Our Town – is a former competitive swimmer who was disowned by his father after coming out of the closet, and I can’t BELIEVE the producers held that story back until now. (more…)

THE VOICE Recap: Way More Drama

Welcome to week two of the battle rounds, everyone! Taking my lead from Cee Lo, I am dressed for the occasion in my pajamas. In my defense, though, I’m not wearing them while publicly mentoring people in the presence of Babyface. It’s an important distinction.

Before we dive into the battles, we get a quick recap of last week, in which the Anthony/Jesse showdown is heavily featured; shockingly, the RaeLynn/Adley duet, not so much. Then we see some of the other contestants preview tonight’s battles, including Charlotte Sometimes (still figuring that’s a stage name, yes?) saying of her unnamed sparring partner, “I wanna DESTROY her!” That’s the spirit.

For our first matchup, we head to Christina’s brothel living room. Stevie Wonder-ish Geoff McBride will take on Mary J. Blige-ish Sera Hill to the tune of Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools,” which Sera humbly notes will “showcase all my elements.” (Carbon? Potassium?) Meanwhile, 51-year-old Geoff is happy to take on a song he grew up with, and I’m glad for the reference; many youngins will know this as a song that contestants routinely butcher on Idol (Fantasia’s epic version notwithstanding), and frankly, nothing irks me more than to see a teenager blithely attribute “Feelin’ Good” to Michael Buble or “To Make You Feel My Love” to Adele. It’s nice to celebrate a song in the proper context. (more…)