Emmy Live Blog! The Awards!

8:00: The only way I could love this opening more was if Matt Damon was involved. Oh. My. God.

8:03: Please bring in Conan O’Brien. Please, oh please, oh please…

8:04: TIM FREAKING GUNN!!!!!

8:06: Genius. Absolutely genius. I’m calling it – BEST OPENING EVER. Superb, Fallon.

8:07: Wow, they had that cut to Conan all ready to go! Not awkward at all…

8:09: I know I’m kinda in the minority here, but: I adore montages.

8:11: Perhaps we should just name Betty White a Queen and get it over with. It’s inevitable, right?

8:14: And supporting actor goes to: Eric Stonestreet! YES!!! I absolutely adore his Cameron. A lovely and heartfelt speech, too.

8:20: See, when you’re smart enough to spoof the Old Spice guy, you deserve an Emmy. Congrats, Modern Family writers!

8:22: The theme of the Emmys so far seems to be “zip the hell through the nominee packages.” This show should be wrapped up by 9:15 at this rate.

8:23: This award has to go to Jane Lynch, right? I mean, seriously…

8:24: Well, duh. I kinda love the Emmy orchestra’s arrangement of the Glee theme.

8:26: “I’m not a Buddhist, but they seem like a very calm people.” Best line of the night that didn’t involve Betty White.

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Emmy Live Blog! Red Carpet Edition!

5:12: Good evening, b-rollers! We’re here from Casa b-roll, where I am glamorously outfitted in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I switched on E! at 5pm to discover that the channel that brought us the Kardashian sisters (I’m still bitter) was already reporting live from the red carpet, which totally makes sense because most of this evening’s nominees are currently tweeting things like, “Taking a nap – limo arrives in 2 hours!” To kill time, our (not so much famous) hostess is asking such incisive questions as, “Will Tina Fey wear black? Will Lea Michele wear bangs?” Here to help speculate is Holly from The Girls Next Door! And thus I discovered that my love of all things Emmy apparently does know some bounds. Back at 6pm with Giuliana and Ryan, who will hopefully descend via magic staircase. See you soon, b-rollers.

5:51: Just turned E! back on to hear the hostess say, “BTW, I just got a text…” No, really – she said “BTW.” Is that really more efficient than saying “by the way” aloud? I need liquor.

6:00: We kick off the Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic portion of the red carpet! Thank God. I can’t believe I just said that.

6:01: Jane Lynch! Love. LOVE. Totally rooting for her tonight. And looking lovely, I must say. This is an excellent way to kick off the show, particularly because Jane Lynch is freakishly taller than Ryan, to the point that Ry looks rather like Snooki. This is delightful.

6:02: Ryan’s line “I am waxed!” made me giggle on a number of levels. Does he appreciate irony?

6:03: Okay, I was wrong – Giuliana looks like Snooki. Put down the self-tanner, darling.

6:04: Ryan could not look less interested in Giuliana’s description of her borrowed jewelry. Might want to hold off on the split screen next time she begins a 12-minute dissertation on her diamond knot ring.

6:08: Oh sweet Lord – the Jersey Shore gang is providing commentary? Is it too late to retract my “Thank God”?

6:12: I love me some celebrities, but could there be a more boring place to be than standing directly next to the E! Glam Cam all evening? That would get old so fast.

6:15: I’ll admit – I’ve watched Jersey Shore in the past. But aren’t there, you know, actual celebrities at the Emmys right now? Was a video interview of the “cast” really necessary? Ryan is a pro, but you could feel him dying slightly as he asked which cast member takes the longest to get ready in the morning.

6:18: Ty Burrell – Modern Family‘s amazing Phil, a nominee tonight – just got about 30 seconds of airtime. But thank God we know about Snooki’s day drinking.

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Live Blogging the Tony Awards!

7:54: Happy Sunday, b-rollers! Are we all excited for the Tony Awards this evening? No? Just me? Okay. I love the Tonys, myself – I’m a big theater geek (go ahead and snicker, see if I care) – and this award show features actual performances, and not in the MTV/Grammy Awards “stare blankly, what the hell” vein. Real live theater pieces. I’m delighted, I have to say. Back in 5!

8:00: “Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hayes!” No offense to Sean Hayes, but who else was hoping they would say, “Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Patrick Harris!”?

8:01: Color me stunned that Sean Hayes is this talented a pianist. Although this transition to Elvis music was a tad awkward. Remember last year’s opening from Billy Elliot? No? Just me again? Okay.

8:02: You know what the Tony Awards are missing? A six-hour pre-show red carpet hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

8:03: Kristin Chenoweth! Maybe she’ll do this performance as her Glee character April Rhodes (ie, drunk).

8:04: I love Sinatra and Elvis and Green Day, but remember when Broadway musicals were filled with original music? Those were fun times. Thanks a bunch, Mamma Mia.

8:05: Five minutes in and I’m a touch underwhelmed. Apparently this was the year of the obscure musical. Last year’s opening had Billy Elliot, West Side Story, Guys and Dolls, Hair, 9 to 5, Rock of Ages…and this year, we’ve just seen some writhing and a spastic squeal courtesy of Fela! Kinda paling in comparison, frankly.

8:08: American Idiot – the current show I’m utterly dying to see. Loved, loved the album.

8:10: And Green Day is IN THE HOUSE! I hope this ends better than last year’s Bret Michaels’ performance, when he was leveled by a descending stage piece.

8:12: And the Tonys opening turns into the Green Day Show. This was clearly at the behest of a CBS executive who saw the roster of shows and scheduled performances and said to the producers, “For God’s sake, give me something to work with!!!!”

8:13: Crowd shots of Ryan Reynolds (yes, please), Matthew Morrison (Mr. Schuester!) and Will Smith (if he’s here to pimp The Karate Kid remake, so help me God…).

8:14: AND Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes make out. Take that, Newsweek!

8:15: Look at Angela Lansbury – stone fox even at the age of 117. She could still be solving murders in Cabot Cove.

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Idol Live Blog: Finale Extravaganza

7:59: Hello, fellow Idol fans! We are here to crown YOUR. NEXT. AMERICAN. IDOL. Who’s excited? Who else wants to see David Hasselhoff cry again? Here we go!

8:00: Full disclosure: I haven’t seen last night’s show yet. But from all reports, Crystal killed it and Lee nearly threw up onstage. Thoughts, b-rollers?

8:01: Wow, Lee still looks uncomfortable! Chill out, dude. The hard part’s over. Unless Mike Myers returns in costume to hawk another movie as heinous as Love Guru. That will be a tragedy for us all.

8:02: Taylor Hicks! Jordin Sparks! Do I call that a celebrity sighting? Is that too harsh to say?

8:03: I know I’ve been Team MamaSox all season, but I don’t quite understand the overwhelming Lee love. He’s humble and all, but only occasionally excellent.

8:04: Um, whazzup with the Catholic school uniforms? I’m dying to know which group performance this foreshadows.

8:05: Ah, we have our answer. The Top 12 returns in full costume for “School’s Out for Summer.” I’ve played this song on Guitar Hero a few times, so I’m mentally playing the solo (like, as in, red, green, blue…)

8:07: Isn’t it a little early in the program for Alice Cooper and an army of zombie schoolchildren? This is more like 9:40 fare, no?

8:08: Alice Cooper sounded live; the Idols, not so much. They should all take a moment to ponder that fact.

8:09: First commercial of the night goes to Ford; second to Coke. Ohmigod, did you guys know they sponsor Idol?!

8:10: I realize that Ryan Seacrest descended the Seacrest Memorial Staircase (Nokia Theatre Edition) for the last time, and I forgot to note the time and date. I feel like I’ve failed you, b-rollers.

8:11: Just a notice, Idol producers: Another autotuned group performance may test my fragile stomach. Tread carefully.

8:12: The first few words of Seacrest’s intro aren’t caught by the microphone, then the first few notes of Kris Allen’s performance (hey, he’s back!) are drowned out by Seacrest, now live, saying, “It wasn’t open?” Well done, Idol tech crew. Well done.

8:15: I like Kris Allen and wish him well. And this song is pretty. Just not so much memorable.

8:16: Ah, the requisite Simon montage. But of course.

8:17: Look at that old footage of Simon rocking another haircut! Who knew that existed?! I feel like we’ve just discovered Sasquatch.

8:18: That was amusing. Although I do slightly feel like Simon deserved more than just a tongue-in-cheek montage.

8:19: Is this performance of “How Deep Is Your Love?” dedicated to Simon? Just asking. The post-montage placement is curious.

8:20: Hey, the BeeGees! This allows me to bring up the fact that one of the Gibb brothers (the thin one wearing sunglasses) apparently went completely insane at an airport recently when someone tried to put him through extra security. I don’t know why, but I find that story completely hysterical – the thought of him screaming, “Don’t you know who I am?!” Uh, no. Not for like 30 years now. Sorry.

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The Idol Live Blog That Wasn’t

Good evening, b-rollers! As you’ve probably noticed, there is no Idol live blog tonight. I have an excellent excuse for why I wasn’t available to live blog the most important freaking performance show of the season, though. I’ve been fighting a nasty stomach bug for the past few days, and on doctor’s orders went to the hospital for some meds and fluids. Apparently, “I have to make it home in time for American Idol” is not a good enough reason to be discharged. Damn stubborn doctors.

Anywho, this week’s Idol performance thoughts will be late – hopefully tomorrow – and decidedly less stream-of-consciousness. And barring a serious health setback, I will almost certainly live blog the insane extravaganza that accompanies the crowning of YOUR. NEXT. AMERICAN. IDOL. So stay tuned, and please do accept my apologies, b-rollers. See you tomorrow.

Idol Live Blog: Top 3 Results

8:15: Good evening, b-rollers! We’re 45 minutes away from the Idol results show, in which Casey’s departure is, um, probable. Not to pile on the poor thing, but I checked DialIdol’s prediction meter and they have Casey trailing by a lot. They may as well have stamped “freaking duh” on their homepage. Anyway, my TV is currently off – shocking, I know – as I mentally prepare for this evening’s penultimate results show. Back at 9!

9:01: And we begin with a SUPER DRAMATIC INTRO that features Ryan saying, “The two facing off in the finale ARE…” Um, obvious?!

9:02: Love Siobhan in the audience, applauding tepidly for Justin Bieber. I know, I’m underwhelmed by the selection of him as well.

9:03: Casey looks pretty resigned, right? At least, as b-roll roommie Monisha just pointed out, he “won’t have to sing some heinous song that Kara wrote” next week.

9:04: I love Ryan saying that no one knows how hard the Idol contestants work. I think the subtext of his question is, But none of you work as hard as I do. I’ll be up at 3am for my radio show tomorrow morning. SO THERE. Also, Ryan is nodding at Casey’s “$10 million or $100 million” metaphor like, Those numbers mean nothing to me, I could buy and sell you like THAT. This could be a blog in and of itself – the inner thoughts of Seacrest. I’m enjoying this way too much.

9:07: It is now my goal in life to get a smiley-face text back from Casey. Who has this number?

9:08: Another astute comment from Monisha: “Crystal just brought her health AND the Lord into this conversation. Now she’s in it to win.” Indeed.

9:09: The Dawg continues his run of bizarre fashion choices by pairing a white cardigan over a white t-shirt, then wearing bright blue glasses. Wow. Yo, yo…for me, for you, it’s only aight.

9:10: The judges looked unamused by Casey’s comment, but he’s not wrong that there’s been some less-than-helpful criticism. In fact, that’s putting it rather mildly.

9:11: We now solve the mystery from last night: Casey’s town in Texas is named Cool. That’s both appropriate for Casey, and ironic because…you know what, I’ll refrain from further comment. I don’t want to be attacked by a mob of angry Texans.

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Idol Live Blog: Top 3

7:31: A delightful Tuesday evening to you, b-rollers! I’m a bit under the weather tonight, but I shall soldier on for you, faithful readers. Back in half an hour!

7:58: Before we open tonight’s show with the traditional mix of creepy lighting, synthesizers and the Seacrest Memorial Staircase, I have to ask: Is there any possible way that Casey survives this week? Any at all? I’m thinking that he could give us a Fantasia-singing-“Summertime” performance and the judges would go into “This can’t happen! Must underplay!” mode. Thoughts?

8:00: I love this roommate exchange to open the show – Texan roommate, hopefully: “Where is Casey from in Texas?” Pennsylvanian roommate: “Texas.” Everything else really is semantics, isn’t it?

8:02: Side note, but didn’t you love how Casey refused to let Ryan pretend he was taller than he really is? As is also evidenced by this conversation, in which Ryan seems like a toddler next to his preschool teacher.

8:03: Strike the earlier sentiment. Casey shall not be giving us a MOMENT (TM). I like the song “Okay, It’s Alright with Me” perfectly fine, but it’s a fun little summer jam, not an Idol Coronation song. We’re looking for a performance a little more in the “Jealous Guy” vein here, Casey.

8:05: Casey’s “just glad to be here” comment to Randy is about right. I didn’t get a “fighting for my life” vibe from that either. Hang on, did I just agree with the Dawg again? For me, for you…

8:06: Simon had three judges’ critiques worth to craft a solid metaphor, and the best he could come up with was “salad”? Seriously? On the upside, the fact that my “what the what is with that song choice?” reaction was echoed by all of the judges makes me feel as if I am eminently qualified to fill Simon’s chair next season. As if we didn’t know this already.

8:10: Okay, so since we’re waiting out this commercial break, I shall ask: Who else is madly excited for tonight’s episode of Glee? NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS IN THE HOUSE, PEOPLE. And he’s singing Aerosmith and everything. I could not be more delighted. Anywho, back to Idol.

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Idol Live Blog: Top 4 Results

8:52: Happy Wednesday, everyone! I’ve spent the last hour looking for apartments online. Casa b-roll will soon relocate, if I can survive the living hell that is apartment hunting, packing and moving. Fingers crossed, b-rollers. Back in 8 minutes.

9:00: Um, who else is thrown off by the tinkly piano intro? My ears are conditioned for that pounding synthesizer, followed by the blinding strobe-light open. Sensory overload is what makes Idol great. I’m confused.

9:02: Daughtry must be shaking his head sadly at Ryan’s “Someone who knows how tough tonight’s show can be” remark. That was cold, Seacrest.

9:03: Fantasia continues the sparkly trend! That is one gold jacket. And when did shoulder pads come back into style, by the way? Kara was rocking them last night, too. I can’t imagine that the world was dying for a return to that hip ’80s style.

9:06: I like Fantasia, and she could sing the phonebook (that phrase is trademarked to Randy Jackson, incidentally), but this song is less than memorable. As evidenced by that shot of the four contestants watching blankly, clearly unaware of how they should be reacting.

9:07: Really, Ryan? Mocking other people’s height? When a conversation in my apartment once included the phrase “Let’s say Ryan is 5’8 in his shoes and heels”? Really?

9:11: Does Crystal have a bizarre yellow feather in her hair, or a really bad weave?

9:12: Casey must’ve drawn the short straw for the Ford commercial since he’s in lederhosen. And why was Big Mike not ethnically costumed? Could they not find clothes big enough for him? They must have Big & Talls around the world, yes?

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