Hello folks! (I know, my last post was on the Olympics. Let’s just accept that I suck at this “blogging consistently” thing.) However, I simply can’t miss the opportunity to live blog an awards show, so let’s watch (and judge) the Emmys together, shall we? Excellent! Check back at 7:45ish and we’ll get this party started. Feel free to share predictions in the comments.

7:43: Welcome, b-rollers! A few highlights from the red carpet, which I’ve been watching haphazardly for the last two hours:

  • Hey, did you know that Giuliana Rancic had a baby? (I know, she’s really kept that under wraps.) Well, God help any celebrities who wish to discuss their Emmy nominations; “the joy of new parenthood” is the only topic available for discussion this evening.
  • Giuliana asked Jena Malone if it’s difficult keeping the plot of the second Hunger Games movie under wraps. Considering it’s based on a best-selling novel read by millions worldwide, I think that ship may have sailed, G.
  • The E! ticker at the bottom of the screen is presenting information such as “Amy Poehler thinks that ‘Climax’ by Usher is the best makeout song” without any further context, and I’d really like to know more about this, please. (The conversation between my roommate and I: “Who’s she making out with, anyway?” “Clearly not Will Arnett.“)
  • I contemplated ordering takeout, then remembered the live blog debacle of yesteryear in which my food arrived during a Neil Patrick Harris medley. Related: Campbell’s Italian wedding soup and Cheez Its is a much tastier combo than you’d think. Is Top Chef accepting applications?
  • Congratulations to E! for creating the “ManiCam,” in which talented actors and actresses stick their hands inside a shoebox  with a webcam and are reduced to Thing from The Addams Family. I totally tuned in so that I could see a close-up of Jane Krakowski’s fingernails. Well done, E!
  • Themes of the red carpet (besides Giuliana’s new baby): Gray, seafoam, plunging necklines and soft gauze overlay. I’m banking this information for my next Old Navy visit.

Who’s your best-dressed so far, b-rollers?

8:04: Anyone else feel like that concept lost steam at the 90 second mark? I think Mrs. Coach made it watchable. Humble opinion.

8:05: First Philo T. Farnsworth reference! Drink! (Kidding.) But seriously, first Honey Boo Boo reference. Drink!

8:07: For the record, I’m already wearing my fat pants.

8:08: That was an awfully lackadaisical monologue, no? Does Jimmy Kimmel have an early call time tomorrow or something?

8:11: No nominee clips this year? I realize that will shorten the show, but it will also make it about 15% less interesting.

8:12: And Eric Stonestreet wins Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy for Modern Family. What are the odds he Ving Rhames this thing and gives it to Ed O’Neill?

8:16: I’d rate the first 15 minutes of this show as “underwhelming.” (As is the live blog so far, I’m a little rusty. But in my defense, Jimmy Kimmel clearly is too.)

8:17: ABC, you can keep showing us Dancing With the Stars: All Stars promos, but you cannot make me believe these people are celebrities.

8:19: Who wrote the (thuddingly unfunny) banter so far this evening? It is not easy to make Amy Poehler, Louis C.K., Zoey Deschanel and Jim Parsons dull. Good grief.

8:20: Louis C.K. wins best comedy writing for Louie, which is supposedly brilliant but which I have tried and just cannot get into.

8:23: Julie Bowen wins Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for Modern Family (this will be a sweep, no?), and I am pleased to report that she looks healthy and beautiful and you can’t count her ribs this year. This time last year, I was mighty concerned. (Also, my roommate and I just declared her dress “the best of the day-glo yellows.”)

8:31: Matthew Perry has either a) Stolen some of Mitt Romney’s Univision makeup, or b) Spent the weekend GTL’ing at the Shore. Vote in the comments, b-rollers.

8:32: Kathy Bates’ dress is sparkling like a disco ball on the Emmy stage. Also, she’s presenting Best Director, Comedy to Steven Levitan of…wait for it…Modern Family. Guys, I like the show too, but it’s not I Love Lucy, you know? Spread the love.

8:35: This Modern Family video is the funniest bit so far of the night. So, fair enough.

8:37: Why are the Emmys still trying to make Jon Cryer’s performance on Two and a Half Men a thing?

8:39: Honest to God, I typed that before he even won. Does Cryer save orphans in his spare time or something? Why the hell is he so beloved amongst Emmy voters?

8:40: I was just invited by the voiceover lady to send my congrats to Jon Cryer via Twitter. You know what, voiceover lady, I’m good. Thanks though!

8:42: Just turned over to the Pats-Ravens game in time to see a Brady to Welker bomb. Finally, something to cheer tonight!

8:44: Stephen Colbert! I’m hopeful that this will be funny. Remember the time he bellowed about losing to Barry Manilow? Epic.

8:45: And Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins Amy Poehler’s Emmy for Veep. As she gets to the stage, she pulls out what look like several pages worth of notes.

8:46: Okay, also totally typed THAT before the gag that she accidentally switched notes with Amy Poehler.

8:49: Oh good, a Jersey Shore clip. Where’s Honey Boo Boo? (Although, points for starting with that amazing SYTYCD moment from last season when Melanie leapt headfirst across the stage. That was breathtaking.)

8:51: Totally rooting for a So You Think You Can Dance win here, since it’s the best reality show on TV and all, but of course The Amazing Race wins as mandated by law.

8:57: This Big Bang Theory kinda reinforces why I only sporadically watch that show. Although points for trying to make the accountant intro section interesting.

8:58: This Seth MacFarlane bit gives me a chance to link to his amazing Ryan Lochte impression. Particularly since I’m not paying much attention to his banter.

9:00: Betty White is, of course, going to win Cat Deeley’s trophy. Because that’s the world we live in, where Jon Cryer wins stuff.

9:01: Tom Bergeron won Cat Deeley’s trophy just because he hosts an ABC show, right? I call bull on this one, though I like Tom Bergeron in general.

9:02: As we intro into the Drama category, the screens are enveloped in flames. Drama: Brought to you by Satan.

9:03: Putting the engrossing but kinda silly Once Upon a Time next to the gritty, awesome Homeland in the montage is doing ABC no favors.

9:04: Best Supporting Actor in a Drama is a freaking horse race. Deep breaths.

9:05: Aaron Paul wins for Breaking Bad and looks like he might pass out onstage. He sounds like Jesse, but without all the “yo”s.

9:13: Claire Danes looks bored and Kathy Bates is fanning herself during this Jimmy Kimmel and Tracy Morgan bit. Just so you know how the evening is going.

9:14: Homeland wins the award for drama writing. Might it upset Mad Men and Breaking Bad, or are we just wishing on a star for something vaguely interesting to happen tonight?

9:16: Maggie Smith wins Supporting Actress in a Drama, which was the exact opposite of a shocking surprise.

9:18: This ad for Skyfall (the new Bond film) perked my roommate and I up more than anything on the Emmys so far this evening.

9:22: One promo for Nashville just quoted a critic as saying this was “the role of [Connie Britton’s] career.” Hey now, that would be Tami Taylor on Friday Night Lights. TRY AGAIN.

9:24: Whoever won Best Director for a Drama couldn’t be here tonight (sorry, I wasn’t EXACTLY paying attention). On the upside, we just saved fifteen seconds off of the telecast. Drink!

9:25: Jimmy Kimmel intros an “In Memoriam” to himself set to One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful,” performed by Josh Groban. It’s that kind of insanely twisted humor that kinda works, and has been sorely lacking this evening.

9:27: My roommate and I have come to an agreement: Julianna Margulies’ dress is kinda pretty, but mainly looks like shiny curtains in a way that is distracting. We’re not totally fans. Also, Damian Lewis wins Best Actor, Drama for Homeland, which is completely and utterly AWESOME. He’s amazing.

9:35: “Would anyone like to trade an Emmy for a Hot Pocket?” ME.

9:36: Let’s have Jon Hamm and Tina Fey host next year, please. Any objections? No? Awesome.

9:37: How come the Drama Actresses’ are the only ones who get full Emmy clips? What the what is up with that?

9:39: Claire Danes wins for Homeland and says, “Mandy Patinkin, HOLLA.” You know, I shall. He’s wonderful. (As is she.)

9:40: That was so worth it for the Hugh Dancy close-up. SO WORTH IT.

9:43: Let’s get this straight, even Betty White’s birthday party gets nominated for an Emmy? JESUS. (Louis C.K. wins another Emmy, for writing for a variety series.)

9:47: I should probably spend this commercial break cleaning out my email inbox, since The Hollywood Reporter helpfully sends an email every single time someone wins an Emmy. It’s like Twitter, only incredibly inefficient and infuriating.

9:49: When Jimmy intro’d our next person by saying that our next presenter has “disdain for you and everything you stand for,” I TOTALLY thought our next presenter was Mitt Romney. (It’s Ricky Gervais.)

9:50: “They’ve flown me over for the big one: Best Director for a Variety Series.” Why is Ricky Gervais so much funnier on awards shows he’s NOT hosting?

9:52: The Emmy goes to the guy who directed the Tony Awards and is directing this evening’s show. He plays himself off. Well played.

9:53: The clips for Best Variety Show are the funniest thing all evening. The Daily Show wins (deservedly) despite having a relatively unfunny clip. Colbert and Fallon combine to restrain Stewart, who crawls to freedom. Hard to beat TDS in an election year.

10:03: Now to segue to the “Miniseries or Movie” portion of the evening, or as I call it, “Dear God, Sherlock needs to win everything.”

10:05: They showed a split second of Rob Lowe playing Drew Peterson in that Lifetime movie in that montage and my roommate and I just cackled in glee.

10:06: Jessica Lange wins an Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries for American Horror Story, which is not at all a miniseries. So I give up. The world has stopped making sense.

10:12: Remember how good a host Ellen Degeneres was? In a related story, she’s kinda killing her bit. Time to bring her back.

10:14: Tom Berenger wins Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries for Hatfields & McCoys, which is criminal since Martin Freeman (Watson in Sherlock) was in the same category. CRIMINAL. Though Berenger was a great Longstreet in Gettysburg. Anyone else remember that, or is my 13-year-old Civil War geek showing?

10:16: It seems like they maybe shouldn’t have spoofed Breaking Bad with the Andy Griffith Show music earlier, since they’re now going to be doing an actual Andy Griffith tribute right now. Just, you know, questioning the taste level of that.

10:18: The In Memoriam begins with Marvin Hamlisch, the nicest guy on the planet, set to his song “The Way We Were,” and there may be some tears here. Just a few.

10:22: Steve Jobs just changed everything. It’s amazing how many industries still mourn him.

10:25: Jeff Daniels is now doing voiceovers for the new iPhone? MIND BLOWN. (He was also Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain in Gettysburg, it was epic. WHAT?)

10:26: I don’t mean to be rude, but I think Lucy Liu’s dress would get someone kicked off Project Runway. Also, the writing award for Movie/Miniseries goes to Game Change and not the superb “Scandal in Belgravia” episode of Sherlock. But hold up, Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change?! What the HELL?!

10:28: Julianne Moore wins Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Game Change, and her dig at Sarah Palin almost makes up for her dress, which I am not enjoying.

10:35: Time for Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries or Movie, which goes to Game Change. Not that I’m bitter. Though this American exceptionalism thing is kinda ridiculous. Sherlock was too damn good to ignore, people!

10:37: My bitching aside, the book of Game Change is truly phenomenal and reads like a thriller. Just so you know.

10:38: Kevin Costner beats Benedict Cumberbatch and I actually yell aloud, “ARE YOU F*&^*#& KIDDING ME?” I’m a little upset.

10:45: Andre Braugher on to (solemnly) present best Miniseries or Movie to Sherlock Game Change, and let’s be honest: They voted for this so that Tom Hanks could accept. I love Tom Hanks, but I do not approve this message.

10:47: Julianne Moore on to present Best Drama, which has to go to Homeland now, right? Let’s do this, Emmy voters.

10:48: Homeland wins! There’s a 20% chance we’re about to see a Morena Baccarin wardrobe malfunction.

10:49: Hey, why are we sprinting through the awards when we have 10 minutes and only 1 award left? Tom Hanks was speaking so fast it was like he was auctioning something.

10:50: Damian Lewis IS irresistible. I concur, Homeland producer guy.

10:54: Michael J. Fox on to present Best Comedy Series, and the standing ovation he receives is quite sweet and deserved. Also, he presents Best Comedy Series to Modern Family in the least surprising win of the night, other than Maggie Smith.

10:57: Jimmy Kimmel virtually shoves the Modern Family team offstage, then wraps up with an extremely quick good night. It was his best moment of the night.

10:58: My roommate’s succinct and correct assessment: “That was pretty boring.” Yes, yes it was. Off to watch the Patriots-Ravens game. Good night, every one!

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