THE VOICE Recap: One More Time

Welcome to The Voice, b-rollers! We’re back for take 2 of Team Adam and Team Cee Lo, but before we get to any singing, we spend six solid minutes watching Carson Daly beg the entire judging panel to focus and use their words, as they’re giggling like teenagers with helium bottles because Cee Lo is apparently battling some epic flatulence. I’d comment more on this, but I’m trying to erase it from my long-term memory. Adam and Cee Lo will be performing with their teams onstage tonight, so hopefully, Cee Lo’s, uh, issues will be under control before then.

Onward to the singers! Thank you, God. (more…)

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THE VOICE Recap: What the HELL just happened?!

Good day, b-rollers, and welcome to The Voice! Does the title of today’s recap concern a) Christina Aguilera’s inexplicable sudden death decision, b) Christina Aguilera’s inexplicable wardrobe choice(s) during her group performance number, or (c) all of the above? Read on to find out! And oh, you guys, there’s so much to talk about. Settle in.

But first: A quick apology for skipping last week’s results show recap. It is a terribly busy month in the life of b-roll, and that got lost in the shuffle, so mea culpa, folks. On the upside, singer/model/obnoxiously oblivious contestant Erin Martin was voted out last week! Nice job, AMERICA. I knew you had it in you.

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THE VOICE Recap: I’m Starting to Hate the ’80s

Welcome to a whole new week of The Voice, b-rollers! A few important lessons learned from this week’s Team Adam and Team Cee Lo performances:

  1. Mortals should not attempt to sing Adele’s music; or, as Adam more eloquently states, “Adele is a freak.” We all think that “Starry Night” is a masterpiece, and some may even be able to paint it by numbers, but there was only one Van Gogh.
  2. Cee Lo really, really wants to host VH1’s I Love the ’80s: Volume XVI. He knows there was music made after 1988, right? He’s made some of it, that’s kind of why he’s a mentor. Maybe his contestants will be eligible to sing something from the last 20 years soon? Just wishing on a star here.
  3. Adam Levine should stop trying to make “polo shirt buttoned to the tippity-top” a fashion trend.
  4. Jamar Rogers will win The Voice, because that is how reality television works.

Let’s dive right in. (more…)

The VOICE Recap: Your Move, America

Welcome to our second consecutive day of The Voice recaps, b-rollers! Tonight’s episode is only an hour long, praise be to God. Let’s dive right in!

We open with several very wide shots of the studio, in which we see a clump of people at center stage lit by roving lasers and cheered on by screaming audience members. It takes us a good 45 seconds to get a close-up, so I’ll guess that these are our contestants surrounding Carson Daly, but who can be sure. Was this shot from a satellite or something? It seems unnecessarily artistic.

Anyway, Carson introduces our judges, and thankfully, Cee Lo has ditched the spandex get-up for a sharply studded red jacket that would severely injure that cat. Also, Carson explains how this evening’s results will work, and makes a not-that-complicated scenario sound like a calculus equation. For the record, of the 6 contestants (per team) who performed last night, 3 were already voted through by AMERICA, the other 3 will sing a “save me” song, and their team mentor person will keep one. Not that hard, right? Carson practically breaks out a whiteboard. (more…)

THE VOICE Recap: Get on the Good Foot

Good day, b-rollers! Welcome to the live shows! I was going to do a live blog (makes sense, right?) but I totally lied; I’m doing a recap instead. I cannot plan to be sharp and witty on a Monday, it just won’t happen. You’re cool with that, right? Awesome.

We begin with Carson Daly reminding us that it was only eight weeks ago that this whole thing started. (For real???) And yet, each judge has only changed his or her clothes once. Consider. Anyway, the judges have “painstakingly” (debatable) picked their teams, and “agonized” (ditto) over who to advance from the battle rounds. But tonight: Blake and Christina’s contestants perform and it is “UP TO AMERICA,” which is perfect since AMERICA has never made an unfortunate choice in one of these televised singing competitions.

And finally, at long last, we’re live! Carson Daly is wearing a suit! Adam is sporting a buzz cut! Cee Lo is wait a second what in the holy hell is Cee Lo wearing?!? Oh, you guys. I cannot. But I must, right? That’s the deal we made? Okay. Cee Lo is dressed like James Brown, complete with a shiny red, low cut (no really, it’s happening) spandex jumpsuit, and a hairpiece that he keeps flipping like Farrah Fawcett. Just when you think that Christina’s sartorial choices can’t be topped, Cee Lo goes and ups the crazy. And it’s on. (more…)