Happy Friday to you, b-rollers. Perhaps it’s being trapped in an office on a week that has been sent from heaven, perhaps it’s an Oscar/post-sweeps hangover, but for whatever reason, I’m in a seriously foul mood. I wish I could snap out of it, but I don’t have a therapist and Tim Gunn won’t return my calls, so I shall vent to you. Here are a few pop culture-related things that are bothering me, in no particular order. Feel free to join in, and we can have a good sulk together.

• Snooki is pregnant. You know, every joke has been made; I have nothing to add, humor-wise. I will only say this: There is an innocent, helpless, probably orange child’s life at stake here, and if MTV green-lights a Jersey Shore spinoff featuring Snooki parading her leopard-print-onesied infant around a boardwalk while balancing a Mai Tai in her other hand, then I will can cancel my cable and move to the Unabomber’s cabin. Let’s fight for human decency.
• John Carter is apparently not that good. Damn. I really, really wanted this to be awesome; Tim Riggins Taylor Kitsch needs to be a star. When is the Friday Night Lights movie coming out again?
• Rush Limbaugh is still getting paid to spout nonsense. Please see above re: human decency. I know he’s hemorrhaging sponsors and it looks like a matter of time, but come on. For the record, I’m glad he’s been giving so much airtime to the issue of contraception. Anyone who spends their life following Rush Limbaugh’s lead shouldn’t be breeding.
• Johnny Depp has a freaking bird on his head. Oh look, our first image from The Lone Ranger movie! You know, my beloved Johnny, we’re getting to a place where “quirky” is no longer a surprising choice for you. Remember when you were charming and handsome and Irish in Chocolat? Do another one of those, please.
• Britney Spears will pass judgment on the singing ability of others. I would have fully supported Britney’s candidacy for a judging slot on So You Think You Can Dance, but the only place Britney should coach budding vocalists is the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Ugh, I can’t live like this. The world doesn’t totally suck, right? Let’s fill that half-empty glass up. Positives:

• When Tim Riggins is shirtless, “not that good” is a relative term. Screw you critics, I’ve got my John Carter ticket. For an IMAX show. In 3D. What’s your point?
• CVS’ lack of appropriate scheduling is a gift to us all. You know how CVS just leaps like a gazelle from holiday to holiday (I think the calendar at CVS HQ is just a flow chart that reads “Valentine’s Day, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween/Thanksgiving, CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS”)? Well, since CVS thought it was time to start celebrating Easter on February 15th, we have two solid months to enjoy Cadbury Mini Eggs and Sour Patch Jelly Beans. Keep up the mediocre work, guys.
• PENGUINS! Thanks to my friend Dwain (holla!), I was introduced to the glory of the Penguin Cam; now you, too, can waste time watching penguins waddle about. There’s even one with a funky mohawk that I’m considering legally adopting, and thanks to him, I was able to introduce the phrase “on a scale from 1 to mohawked penguin” into my lexicon. You’re welcome, America.

Hey, I feel better! What’s on your mind, b-rollers? What’s bothering you, and where’s your happy place?