7:45: Good evening, b-rollers! It’s 15 minutes to Go Time, if you have any interest in the SAG Awards. I’m skipping red carpet coverage tonight because there’s only so much Ryan Seacrest that one person can take in a lifetime, so instead, I’m watching the Pro Bowl. I’m a woman of many interests.
Let me tell you about my day: I planned to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but was feeling too tired after a full day out yesterday (that involved seeing Shame – thoughts to come this week!), so instead I stayed lazy and watched several episodes of Law & Order (apparently today’s marathon theme was “deeply weird”), and then got sucked into the Lifetime movie The Pregnancy Pact (it was not good). I think we learned an important lesson today, b-rollers: Even though I will eventually see (and critique) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, I am almost certainly not smart enough to understand it.
Anyway. Back shortly.
7:50: Hey, random thought while watching the Pro Bowl: You know how all of the players on each conference team wear the same color (NFC blue, AFC red), but they wear their own team’s helmet? (Well, you do now.) Do any players get upset if their team’s helmet clashes with the uniform? If I was a Cleveland Brown, I would be seriously upset by the ugliness of my orange helmet/red jersey combo. In retrospect, maybe I should be watching the red carpet.
7:58: T-minus 2 minutes. The SAGs always begin with that (occasionally awkward) “I am an actor!” spiel. Who’s your money on for best and worst “I am an actor!” moment, folks?
8:00: Revised: Nothing could be more awkward than this pun-happy voiceover woman telling Jesse Tyler Ferguson to “get his dance on” and Brad and Angelina to “have a fun time!” It’s all uphill from here.
8:04: Not many clunkers among the actor speeches this year, although this really makes you wish they broadcast the Writers Guild Awards, no?
8:05: Right into Best Supporting Actor! That’s the way to power onward, SAGs. Armie Hammer looks a little tense, probably anticipating some “Hey, how ’bout that pot bust?” questions. Maybe a little hair of the dog, Armie…
8:06: Christopher Plummer wins! Get used to that, people. That’s one category we can lock down right on through the Oscars.
8:07: I tweeted this a while back, but allow me to mention again: Right after the Golden Globes, I got a ton of traffic to my blog from people googling some variation of “Christopher Plummer’s nose.” (It’s still purple.) I’m filled with pride, people.
8:10: Don Cheadle on to introduce Best Supporting Actress. At this rate we’ll be done by 9. Once again, I’m rooting for Bejo and expecting Spencer to win.
8:12: Octavia Spencer wins, and please see above note. The Oscars are looking like they’ll be less and less surprising.
8:14: I’m not sure I would fully characterize Medgar Evers as “the unsung hero of The Help,” but we’ll give Octavia a pass for being nervous and overwhelmed.
8:18: One thing that I’m loving about this being on TNT and not NBC – no more Smash commercials! Don’t get me wrong, I’ll totally watch. I’m just thoroughly over the 8 million ads for it.
8:20: Best Actor in a Comedy seems like an awesome time to mention that Ty Burrell was in an episode of Law & Order as the father of a teen sniper. I saw it this afternoon, and I’ll never look at Phil Dunphy (or Luke) the same way.
8:22: Alec Baldwin wins Steve Carell’s trophy. Much as I love Jack Donaghy, Michael Scott is gone, people – show some respect! Also, why was that random bar or two of country music inserted into his walk-up music? Technical glitch? Hidden message? What happened there?
8:24: How nice of Alec Baldwin to spend his time talking about a literacy charity! That’s awesome. I’m bored.
8:25: Coach Taylor!!! C’mon, give us a “Clear eyes, full hearts…”
8:26: I also saw Edie Falco in a Law & Order episode today! She was the lawyer to a really evil murderer, it was fascinating. I may have watched too many episodes.
8:27: It’s not really going to be Betty White again, is it? Oh, dear God. Guys, I love Betty White too, but one of these days you’re going to kill her by making her walk up those stairs again.
8:28: Well damn, she does give a good speech, though.
8:29: For a second, I wondered if Jessica Chastain was going to introduce The Help clip by herself, and that would have been kind of hilariously ironic. Instead we’re getting an “actors around the country” montage that is oddly fascinating, until it concludes with Mike Tyson listed as a “Nevada actor.” Yeah, that Mike Tyson.
8:32: They might want to adjust the microphones at the podium; Kevin Bacon sounds like he’s stuck in an aluminum tub. Just a thought, tech crew.
8:33: Now that I’m almost caught up to Parks and Recreation, allow me to ask why neither Amy Poehler nor the cast were nominated tonight. Anyway, Modern Family wins the award for Best Comedy Ensemble, and as much as I love it, I hope someone etched “Pawnee!” into the trophy in protest.
8:36: It is a nice touch to let the kids accept. Luke’s timing has never been so good.
8:41: “Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Close and Kenneth Branagh!” These proceedings just got much classier.
8:42: Up to Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie. Claire Danes isn’t still eligible for Temple Grandin, right? It was just that 3-year window?
8:43: Kate Winslet wins! She’s not there! Champagne all around! Glenn Close accepts on Kate’s behalf, which means they’ll need to arm wrestle for it. (They should TOTALLY do that! Wouldn’t that be riveting?)
8:45: I really liked The Help, but I had issues with the fact that Emma Stone – who was wonderful – is always, always adorable. And Skeeter wasn’t supposed to be, that was kind of the point. It’s a minor quibble, but still.
8:47: Paul Giamatti wins for Best Actor in a TV Miniseries, and he also isn’t there. Apparently the TV Miniseries or Movie people are above all of this. Armie Hammer accepts his award, and after seeing him using a rowing machine in The Social Network, I’m pretty sure Giamatti will gently let this one go.
8:50: The President of SAG comes on for his “yay for unions!” speech, which I’m pretty sure is the 30 second clip of tonight’s show that will play on Fox News tomorrow.
8:52: Wow, we’re making awesome time, guys! I know we’re only giving out acting awards, but still – a 2-hour awards show! It can be done!
8:54: You just know that the guy who directed this straight-to-DVD movie starring puppies probably graduated magna cum laude from a top film school.
8:58: The ladies of Bridesmaids come onstage with tumblers of alcohol. Why aren’t they the frontrunners again?
9:00: Dick Van Dyke! He looks so adorably overwhelmed by the standing ovation that he richly deserves. “I’m just the presenter!”
9:01: I really hope that Mary Tyler Moore’s Lifetime Achievement Award montage isn’t edited in the same style that the SAG Awards have used for the past few years, which we shall call “1950s industrial training film.”
9:04: Well, it kind of is edited that way, but Dick Van Dyke as narrator is a helluva lot better than the guy they had last year. (I think it was the same guy who does the Joseph A. Banks ads. Do you think he talks that way all of the time? “It’s TIME to PAY the WATER BILL!!!!”)
9:06: What luck to be playing opposite Elvis while stuck in a nun’s habit.
9:08: I would like to have Mary Tyler Moore’s personal trainer. May I have his number, please? Good lord.
9:10: Two minutes into this speech and we’ve gotten a dissertation on how Mary Moore became Mary Tyler Moore. And then she just stopped talking, Dick Van Dyke kissed her on the cheek and the music played us out. But wait….are we clear on if Mary’s speech was done or not? I’m confused.
9:12: I was about to call my parents to say, “Wait, that was weird, right?!” but then realized that they’re almost certainly watching Downton Abbey rather than the SAGs. They would probably see my name on the caller ID and send it to voicemail, or answer and say, “Hiwe’rewatchingDowntoncallyoubacklaterokaybye.”
9:14: I tested my theory, and my parents are, in fact, watching Downton Abbey right now (and graciously took my call). I very thoughtfully hung up quickly so they could go back to it. I’m actually kinda jealous right now.
9:16: Did they just announce Ed Helms as “Ed Harris,” or did I mishear that? I saw him walk out and thought, “Wait, Ed Harris doesn’t have nearly that much hair usually…”
9:17: In the absence of Connie Britton as Mrs. Coach, I shall root for Julianna Margulies for Best Actress in a Drama. But I do this under protest.
9:18: Jessica Lange wins, and if Mary Tyler Moore is unwilling to share her personal trainer’s contact information, I would like Jessica Lange’s, please.
9:20: It is disconcerting to see Berenice Bejo with long, modern hair, or Jean Dujardin without that pencil mustache. Or no Uggie at all. (He better be a credited member of the ensemble, people. Uggie needs a trophy.)
9:22: Tina Fey and John Krasinski need to star in a movie together. Like now.
9:23: Best Actor in a Drama. The guy from Suits is nominated. Redeem yourselves by giving this award to Coach Taylor, SAG members.
9:24: Nope, it goes to Steve Buscemi, who brings a wine onstage that Tina Fey promptly downs. I’m growing more okay with this win.
9:26: Meryl Streep introduces the “In Memoriam.” Did they cut the sound in the auditorium, or are the audience members not allowed to clap? That’s actually a pretty great idea, it was always rather unseemly how this turned into a popularity contest.
9:34: I have to say: I just love these Google commercials. My very favorite is still the “It Gets Better” ad, which always makes me tear up. Just a beautifully done campaign.
9:35: The cast of the new Dallas (which we’ve now seen three ads for) is giving out the Best Drama Ensemble prize! Way not to cross-promote in a borderline unseemly way, TNT.
9:37: Boardwalk Empire wins Best Drama. There are several tiny children onstage. Is this show set in an orphanage?
9:39: Steve Buscemi clearly got his wine glass refreshed since his Actor win, tossing small children the stage and saying, “Give me your managers’ names! Eh, we’ve got time.”
9:41: Natalie Portman comes onstage to present Best Actor. I’m really hoping for an upset here, otherwise Clooney is a lock. Not that I dislike him, but who else is tired of seeing the same four people win everything this year?
9:43: Wait, Fassbender wasn’t nominated for a SAG either? Okay, the Oscar snub makes a lot of sense. (He should have been nominated, by the way.)
9:44: Jean Duardin wins! Woo! And all he can say in English is “mygodmygodmygodmygodmygod.”
9:45: “Harvey Weinstein” sounds so much prettier and less ominous when said with a French accent.
9:47: Not to be super humble about it, but I always thought that Best Actor was the race that was due to get more interesting before the Oscars. Boom!
9:50: Ben Kingsley on to present Best Actress, as Colin Firth must’ve had a conflict. I’m really kinda ticked at whoever is keeping Colin Firth off of our high-definition televisions this evening.
9:53: And the Actor goes to Viola Davis, officially throwing a wrench into the Best Actress race as well. Nice work, SAG! This just got good!
9:55: “Dream big. Dream fierce.” I want that on a pillow, and I’m not even being sarcastic.
9:56: The Help wins the big prize for Best Ensemble. Is this a harbinger of an Oscar upset, or just recognition for a great freaking cast? (Probably the latter. I mean, let’s be honest.)
9:58: Viola Davis had to have sealed the Oscar win with not one, but two awesome speeches tonight. She rocks.
9:59: In case you didn’t know that The Help was a primarily female cast, the ensemble just merged onstage for a giggly group hug. As opposed to The Artist cast, who would’ve had a group smoke.
10:00: Well, that’s it! A relatively entertaining show that ended on time?! Good God. Since it’s only 10pm, I’m going to flip channels and oh look, Law & Order is on!
Sleep tight, b-rollers.