7:12: Happy Sunday, b-rollers! We’re t-minus 45(ish) minutes from the start of the Golden Globes. In honor of this evening’s host, Ricky Gervais, I have had a very large beer, so this might get interesting. I’m about to check in with the NBC pregame show – sorry, red carpet; I’ve been watching a lot of playoff football this weekend – and will start snarking in short order. Please standby.
7:20: And we’re live! I’m happy to report that I’m live-blogging from my home in New Hampshire this evening, with my parents nearby. So expect a lot of b-roll parental exchanges this evening, such as me identifying Mary J. Blige, then my Mom asking what the hell she’s doing there. (Original song, I think?) This should be fun.
7:23: The red dress worn by one of the NBC co-hosts confounds me. It is side-less. How is that possible?
7:25: A John Carter promo, starring shirtless Tim Riggins! I’m so glad I skipped E. This almost makes up for FNL not getting a single blessed nomination. ALMOST.
7:26: How many marine mammals in danger stories do we need? Didn’t A Dolphin Tale come out six minutes ago? Hollywood is so out of ideas.
7:28: Madonna still sounding slightly, strangely British. To quote Gosford Park, “Is she British, or just affected?”
7:31: My Mom’s take on Claire Danes’ dress: “It looks like one of the rejects on Project Runway.” Well, then. (She’s also officially horrified that her comments might end up on the live blog. Too late.)
7:32: A lot of shiny, chain-mail-type dresses on the red carpet tonight. Not a trend I would have foreseen, gotta say.
7:35: Thank God Leonardo DiCaprio is this good-looking, because the oral J. Edgar Hoover bio that he’s delivering is boring the everloving crap out of me.
7:40: Just checked in on the Giants-Packers game, then switched back in time to see that the Betty White tide has not, in fact, abated. NBC is throwing her a 90th birthday party AND giving her a Candid Camera-type show. I love Betty White, but God almighty, folks.
7:41: Guys, Joey Tribbiani now has gray hair. It feels just about time for my own 90th birthday bash.
7:43: Wow, George Clooney not only brought along a girlfriend, but she got to talk into the mic and everything! This one might stick.
7:45: Okay, this sideless dress co-host person is hilarious. She’s taking it upon herself to bless everyone’s evening (no joke, like they need her approval), and she just introduced Emma Stone by saying that Emma’s dress “even puts mine to shame!” She’s super humble. Related story: I have never seen her before and only knew she was called “Jeannie” after she threw it to Carson. Thank God she’s here.
7:50: My Dad wants to know why Adam Levine is wearing sunglasses in the dark, and “because he’s a rock star?” does not seem like a satisfactory-enough answer. Help?
7:54: Jennie just said she was having “fashion sex” with Bryan Cranston. Challenge to Ricky Gervais: Make me shudder more than that exchange just did. Game on.
7:55: Just as my Mom comments that Sofia Vergara is in every commercial, one of her Pepsi commercials comes on. Of course it does.
7:57: So, with three minutes left, what’ve we got as the hit pop song that’s been mangled by working in movie stars’ names (ie, this year’s Golden Globes theme)? I’m giving “Moves Like Jagger” 2-to-1 odds, b-rollers.
8:00: “So, where was I?” Nice.
8:02: It’s a bit of a letdown to hear Ricky Gervais take down Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, two easy targets who aren’t present. Come on, Ricky.
8:05: These are shockingly easy shots, except at the HFPA and NBC. Who can take it.
8:06: Johnny Depp comes onstage to banter with Ricky Gervais (hilarious!) then introduce the footage for Hugo (jarringly abrupt). Anyone else upset that they didn’t cut to Brangelina as Johnny admitted he hasn’t seen The Tourist yet?
8:09: I suddenly find that I’m rooting for Albert Brooks to win Supporting Actor, simply because I think he’ll give a seriously entertaining speech.
8:10: Christopher Plummer wins for Supporting Actor. I’m 1 for 1. Also, we’re having a lengthy discussion about the specific shade of blue of Christopher Plummer’s nose. I’ll spare you.
8:13: Tina Fey horning in on Amy Poehler’s shot exemplifies why either one of those two should win the Globe. Alas, it goes to Laura Dern, who is blinding in jade-colored sparkles.
8:15: “Thanks to anyone who’s ever inspired all of us.” That’s quite a net to cast.
8:16: So, as we careen into the first commercial break, what are our thoughts on Ricky Gervais’ monologue (since, let’s be honest, the bulk of his work is now done)? I’m thinking that it was funnier overall, but much less offensive, so kind of a wash (and rather a letdown). Thoughts?
8:19: Whoa, Rob Lowe has been doing some serious GTL-ing. Also, the prompter breaks down as Rob and Julianne Moore introduce Miss Golden Globe, Andie MacDowell’s daughter, and Andie looks, um, peeved at the technical difficulties.
8:21: And we veer right into best Mini-Series or TV Movie. WHY NOW? Who scripted this show, for the love of God?!
8:22: And the Globe goes to…DOWNTON ABBEY! My Mom and I cheer aloud together. This is a show that crosses generations, people.
8:23: And we’re giving out the Best Actress, TV Movie/Mini-Series prize (because, of course we are), and of course it goes to Kate Winslet. It’s a rule.
8:32: Nicole Kidman’s dress has studs on it. STUDS. I don’t know what else to say about this.
8:36: We’re up to Best Actor in a TV Drama, which makes a boatload of sense. It goes to Kelsey Grammar, which I definitely did not foresee (hello, Bryan Cranston or Jeremy Irons?). Well, welcome back, Frasier.
8:38: And now we shall give out Best TV Drama before getting to the TV Drama Actress award. Sure, fine. (And it’s Homeland, which I’ve heard is magnificent. No way Claire Danes doesn’t win when her category comes up in 92 minutes.)
8:39: There’s a lot of murmuring in the background. Settle down, folks. We’ve got a long night ahead.
8:44: I just volunteered my Dad to go and get me some cake. This live-blogging from home thing is quite enjoyable.
8:45: The days of the hummable score are over, aren’t they? No more Star Wars for us, guys.
8:47: The composer from The Artist wins, and reads in broken English, which is adorable in theory. What does this do to stoke the Kim Novak drama (which, in my humble opinion, is much ado about absolutely nothing)?
8:49: And Original Song goes to “Masterpiece,” a song by Madonna that sounds not-at-all memorable (or costume drama-esque). And she’s clearly overwhelmed, eloquently saying, “Um…um…um.”
8:51: I know the conductor is probably afraid of Madonna, but it’s time to play the music. She’s rambling in her faux-British way.
8:52: Not to be rude, but I’m taking the Turkish actress’s call for world peace spiel as an opportunity to dig into my cake.
8:57: I think I just ingested enough sugar to get me through the rest of the show. BRING IT.
8:58: Idris Elba beats Lord Grantham. Sigh. “Oh, he’s English!” says my Mom, who recognized him as Charles from The Office (evil bastard).
8:59: “To present a scene from The Ides of March, here’s the star of Moneyball!” Even the announcer thinks this show is asinine.
9:01: Seth Rogen just got a bigger laugh for being raunchier than Ricky Gervais, and he also calls out My Week With Marilyn for not being a comedy. There is a 40% chance that Harvey Weinstein will have him assassinated tonight, but for the moment, he is my hero.
9:02: Michelle Williams wins Best Actress-Comedy! She was absolutely remarkable. This will be her consolation prize for not getting the Oscar, though I dearly wish she had more of a shot.
9:07: Piper Perabo’s dress is see-through. Who thought that was a good idea?
9:08: And now we’re at Supporting Actor in an HBO Show or Mini-Series. Peter Dinklage wins! None of my family watches this show so we have nothing to say, other than that we all thought that he was hilarious in Death at a Funeral (the real one, not the stupid Chris Rock remake).
9:10: Ricky Gervais is wearing the exact same outfit that he started in. Someone needs to tell him that this is unacceptable hosting behavior.
9:11: And now George Clooney is introducing Moneyball. Clooney and Pitt must’ve had some drunken bet, yes? Also, how much would you pay to have seen it?
9:13: Best animated film: The correct answer is Rango. That is all.
9:14: But The Adventures of Tintin wins because, of course, Steven Spielberg. That is all.
9:20: In spite of ourselves, my Mom and I just admitted that we will watch Fashion Star. Sad but true.
9:22: See, folks? See all the crazy studs on Nicole Kidman’s dress? I’m not nuts, right? Also, Woody Allen wins Best Screenplay for Midnight in Paris, which is awesome because he is not here. Moving right along…
9:24: William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman sing their intro to Best Supporting Actress in Anything on TV in the most adorable possible way. And then they present Maggie Smith’s trophy to Jessica Lange. I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS OUTRAGE.
9:30: Madonna delivers her anti-Ricky zingers like she’s been rehearsing them in her head for the last ninety seconds. Not a total shock that her acting career stalled.
9:32: I’m glad A Separation won, it’s supposed to be excellent. But I wouldn’t have been shocked if the HFPA baldly kissed up to Brangelina by giving it to In the Land of Blood and Honey, just for the hell of it.
9:34: I love Julianna Margulies, but I’m not enjoying green earrings with a purple dress. Not to go all Tim Gunn, but I find that combination alarming.
9:35: Claire Danes wins. But she’s there without her adorable British husband, who I have a huge crush on, so I’m chalking this up as a loss for me.
9:37: My Dad: “Oh, the girl with the ugly dress won.” Me: “It’s really a shame that you’re not a commentator, Dad.”
9:41: What does Smash mean, “Introducing Katharine McPhee”? Are we pretending her American Idol stint didn’t happen?
9:42: I love Emily Blunt, but mustard yellow + uncombed hair is not her top look.
9:43: Tina Fey and Jane Lynch? I had high hopes for this introduction, but meh. Also, if Alec Baldwin wins, isn’t this kind of a conflict of interest?
9:45: Matt LeBlanc wins the TV Comedy Actor prize for Episodes, and we cut to Eric Stonestreet looking like, “What in the hell is Episodes?” I concur.
9:47: Next up is Supporting Actress in a Movie, and Octavia Spencer wins and is so shocked that Viola Davis has to help her out of her seat. It seems like she’s the frontrunner now, which leads me to ask: How many times during the awards season are we going to have to hear this (kinda obnoxious) Mary J. Blige song?
9:49: Octavia really has to tighten this speech up. It’s a long season, and “every single person at Disney” is more than adequate, kay?
9:53: Guys, my Dad is nodding off. He might not make it to the presentation of Best TV Comedy Series.
9:54: Reese Witherspoon just delivered the phrase “philandering wife falls into a coma” with a sassy little smile. Uh, okay.
9:55: Hello, Sidney Poitier. Leap to your feet, rich people.
9:56: Sidney Poitier is a living legend, but if he keeps talking in this cadence, we’ll be here until the Oscars.
9:58: Man oh man, this Morgan Freeman montage is going to be epic. I may tear up at the Shawshank clips, not gonna lie.
10:03: Random thought during this touching moment, but was that Chris Tucker? Anyone know why he’s there?
10:05: Morgan Freeman is a man of such humor and class. There was no better choice to play God. Just saying.
10:10: Okay, Tina Fey has gotten to make out with Jon Hamm, Matt Damon and now James Marsden. I’m officially calling her an evil bitch.
10:11: Looking sharp, RDJ. Here to show the clip from The Artist, which will hopefully be set to the score of Vertigo.
10:12: I know this is a recurring theme, but Angelina Jolie looks absolutely. freaking. gorgeous.
10:13: Martin Scorsese wins Best Director, and I am STUNNED. And thrilled, I loved Hugo. Though clearly, I’m not nearly as thrilled as Leonardo DiCaprio.
10:16: No idea what Ricky Gervais just said, but it looked funny. Anyway. Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas on to present TV Comedy Series to Modern Family.
10:18: Look at Phil Dunphy, rocking the hipster glasses.
10:20: The Sofia Vergara Pepsi commercial has officially been overplayed. I don’t give a good damn what Lola wants anymore.
10:24: I think Jessica Biel is testing possible wedding dress looks. Ixnay this one, dear.
10:25: Really hoping Jean Dujardin takes the prize for Best Actor – Comedy/Musical. J’adore him.
10:26: YES! Please bring Uggie onstage. Oh please oh please oh please.
10:27: An index card, Jean? Oh, just throw it away and tap dance.
10:29: Why is L’Oreal pronouncing their hair color line Sublime as “Sub-leem”? Here in the US of A, we call it sub-lime.
10:31: Anyone know if Joyful Noise is any good? You know what, don’t answer that.
10:33: Ricky Gervais has ditched the jacket and switched to a wine glass. Well, that’s something.
10:34: And Colin Firth (hello, Colin) is on to present Best Actress in a Drama. It’s going to Viola Davis or Meryl Streep, correct? Any dissension?
10:35: Well, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that a Meryl Streep acceptance speech is hella entertaining. What say you, Dame Meryl?
10:36: Meryl just got bleeped for longer than Ricky Gervais did. Awesome.
10:37: Harvey Weinstein passing Meryl Streep’s reading glasses up to the stage by way of George Clooney…I mean, how many awards show moments have been more surreal than that?
10:38: I love how Meryl’s apology to the British featured a camera cut to Madonna. For the third time, SHE’S NOT REALLY BRITISH.
10:39: Last year, Jane Fonda introduced the Burlesque clip. This year, the HFPA redeem themselves by having her present Best Picture – Comedy/Musical.
10:40: The Artist wins! Oscars, here we come. And predictably, Uggie is stealing the show.
10:45: So, 15 minutes left. By my count, we’ve got Best Drama Actor, Best Drama, and the In Memoriam montage. Am I missing anything? Other than 16 more commercials for Smash and Pepsi?
10:47: George Clooney wins Best Drama Actor for The Descendents as Leonardo DiCaprio politely, unhappily applauds.
10:49: And…Clooney’s been drinking.
10:50: Wait, commercial break? We’ve been back for 87 seconds.
10:52: Oh great, our fourth airing of the Pepsi commercial. Or, as Mom puts it, “Just give her the damn soda.”
10:54: Harrison Ford on to present the Best Drama award. Apparently we’re skipping an In Memoriam. Classy decision, HFPA.
10:55: And the award goes to The Descendents, so we’re suddenly awash in ukelele.
10:56: For a guy who was told to hurry, this producer is taking his sweet time. Alexander Payne (the director) nearly body-checks him out of the way to get his 30 seconds at the mic.
10:57: “I hope that took your mind off the recession.” Good night, Ricky.
So, the 2012 Golden Globes are in the books! Off to bed with you now, b-rollers. Try not to hear “Whatever Lola Wants” in your nightmares tonight, okay?