6:45: Good evening, folks! My New England Patriots are giving me ulcers, so I thought I’d switch over early to E!’s red carpet coverage of the Golden Globes. Yeah, that was a great idea. Just as I switch over, Natalie Portman arrives and we get the following incisive commentary:
Giuliana: “Natalie Portman looks beautiful! Let’s get some analysis!”
Whoever’s up on a platform twenty feet above: “Giuliana, from this angle, Natalie Portman looks absolutely gorgeous!”
Well, thank God they’re here. Did you know that Natalie Portman was beautiful, both at sea level and from above? OMG, me either! Okay, I’m a little punchy. I blame Tom Brady.

6:47: Now Ryan and Giuliana have given their microphones to Julie Bowen and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family. This is the best idea that anyone at E! has ever had. For the record, Bridalplasty was the worst, just inching out any of the eighteen shows involving the Kardashians.

6:50: And Nicole Kidman shows up, looking lovely. I read an article recently in which she said that she tried Botox once and didn’t like it, so she’s never used it again. I don’t want to be cynical and/or foulmouthed, so I shall just tell you that my reaction to this news was something akin to “male cow excrement.”

6:55: Apparently the Patriots scored a touchdown in my absence, and I’m too superstitious to break the good karma and switch back. Son of a…

6:56: Glee cast members should be required to sing in interviews, especially when they’re saying Disney princess things like, “I just loved the pink, it looked so happy and free!”

6:57: Natalie Portman is taller than Ryan Seacrest. I’ve seen her in person; she’s the height of a Cabbage Patch doll. HOW SHORT IS RYAN SEACREST?!?!

6:59: Re: the Patriots game (I know, you don’t really care), a friend just tweeted me that he felt like he was in The Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a good thing, and a good thing never really dies.” My response: “I feel like Brooks, climbing onto the chair.”

7:01: Ryan Seacrest to Jake Gyllenhaal: “What do you like to listen to?” Jake Gyllenhaal: “Music.” Well, then…

7:03: Did Ryan really just ask Jake Gyllenhaal if he got to test drive the Viagra (for Love and Other Drugs)? Oh, dear God…

7:04: Not loving Emma Stone’s dress, what with her hair/skin tone. Also, I knew it was Calvin Klein even before she said anything; their dresses always look like jersey t-shirts that haven’t yet been hemmed at the waist.

7:05: And Scarlett Johansson arrived, fresh from a wind tunnel. Holy backwards beehive, Batman.

7:06: Giuliana: “We have so many stars lined up, it’s not even funny.” Hasn’t been for a while there, G.

7:08: I know I’m being snarky tonight, b-rollers, but the Patriots are kind of making me hate the world. Bear with me.

7:11: Oh God, it’s Justin Bieber. Apparently he’s presenting, and he’s honored – he just told Ryan that “they put it on my schedule, so I showed up.” Awesome. I feel 97 years old.

7:13: I love how Ryan was afraid to ask Jane Krakowski if she’s pregnant, even though she looks like she could give birth by the announcement of Best Actor – Comedy or Musical.

7:15: Ryan Seacrest is now interviewing Ryan Gosling and the director of Blue Valentine. I saw it yesterday and thought it was beautiful and complex, and I’m now terrified that Seacrest will now reduce it to, “So, are you and Michelle Williams dating?”

7:17: Ryan just updated Michael Douglas (looking fantastic and cancer-free, God bless him) and Catherine Zeta-Jones on the Jets score, to cheers from the crew. And now I’m being taunted by E. You’ll have to earn back the exclamation point, E. You go to hell! Okay, I’m bitter.

7:20: Who just arrived to send the crowd into paroxysms of joy? If it’s Bieber, I officially withdraw from human civilization.

7:25: Oh, Brangelina. That explains the screaming. Kelly Osbourne is speechless (and yet still more eloquent than her father).

7:27: Mila Kunis is explaining how she lost twenty pounds (from where, exactly?). “Working out 7 days a week, eating healthy…” Okay, Mila, just fess up: It was starvation. We know, it’s fine.

7:28: Dr. House! How I love Hugh Laurie. He is going to the Super Bowl, but in no official capacity, he says. Well, I kinda figured, since as best I could tell his coverage skills are extremely sub-par.

7:29: Can I have a Johnny Depp sighting? Please? My fragile psyche has been shattered by the Patriots. I’m begging you, entertainment gods. Give a girl a break.

7:30: Sofia Vergara keeps saying that she’s wearing a red Vera “Wong.” I feel like she’s the one person who could make Angeline Jolie feel like a troll, no? My God.

7:32: I love Ryan Seacrest’s stupid questions. He now asks Cory Monteith what he did back when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. He greeted, Ry. Try and stay with us.

7:33: Claire Danes, I like you very much. But please bring your adorable husband to all on-camera events, okay? Especially when you spend the whole interview talking about him.

7:36: Giuliana is also rendered speechless by Brangelina. She talks excitedly about saying hello to each of them, and then they wave and say hi back. It’s such a great story. Can you tell it again?

7:40: Last football update: The Patriots have officially lost. I spent the commercial break hugging it out with my sympathetic roommate, while then muttering “(insert your own expletive) Jets” repeatedly.

7:41: Anne Hathaway asks Ryan for advice on hosting an awards show. Yeah, his Emmys were a train wreck. Maybe not so much with that.

7:42: Why is Jennifer Lopez here? Wasn’t her last movie a crappy romcom about artificial insemination? Seacrest must’ve hooked her up with an invite.

7:44: I switch over to NBC just in time to see Christian Bale, who apparently is prepping for his next role as Jesus.

7:45: Who is the British stick figure who is perfunctorily interviewing people for NBC? Because a British NBC girl for Giuliana swap would be an even trade. The NBC execs should dig deep and ponder that.

7:49: Thanks to Amber for confirming that Ryan Seacrest is, in fact, the size of the average third-grader, and Karey for bringing it with a “that’s what she said” joke. I’ve never been more proud, people.

7:50: The British stick figure (TM) congratulates Robert Downey, Jr. for not going with a tux, and instead rocking a gray suit with a red tie. Nowhere does she mention that he looks just like Pee Wee Herman. Epic fail, British girl.

7:52: Oh good, British girl is doing official fashion analysis. Then she stands there, staring aimlessly. I’m so glad she’s here. Roomie comes in just in time to watch this and say, “Who is this girl? Wow, she’s not very good at this.” Um, yeah.

7:55: For those of you who are watching this Rango commercial and asking, “Do you love Johnny Depp so much that you will go see him play an animated lizard?” I’d like you to know that the answer is yes. Yes I will.

7:58: Carson Daly wants to “digest what just happened,” as if it’s a traumatic event. For those of us watching E! for an hour, it kinda was.

7:59: This is the second time Carson Daly has compared the Golden Globes to a “steakhouse.” I’m guessing he’s just bummed because he’ll never get a reservation.

8:00: Ricky Gervais comes onstage with a beer, looking trim. “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Well, let’s hope.

8:01: Ricky’s not getting much traction with the Charlie Sheen material, so he shifts gears to The Tourist. And now the nervous laughter fades to terrified “oh no he didn’t!” screams.

8:02: Johnny is not amused. (And nor was I, during The Tourist.)

8:03: This is so completely uncomfortable. Folks, it’s Ricky Gervais. What did you expect? At Casa b-roll, we’re going from gasps to hysterical laughter.

8:04: Folks are laughing at the Hefner joke – the least funny thus far – because it’s the least offensive. Wait, no, that just became ridiculously offensive. My bad.

8:05: Ricky Gervais intros, “Our first presenter…” and you can almost hear “Oh, thank God!” echo throughout the auditorium.

8:06: I’m rooting for Jeremy Renner or Geoffrey Rush. I thought Renner was the best thing about (a quite good) The Town, and I adored The King’s Speech.

8:07: Are they playing “How do you like me now?” as Christian Bale wins as a subtle nod to his history of being completely bats*&$?

8:08: I really, really want to see Bale’s reaction if they try to play him off. Wait, they did, and he refuses to leave the stage. The odds that he’ll win the Oscar just shot way down, yeah?

8:10: Segue-ing right into Best Actress in a TV-Drama (of course) are LL Cool J and Julie Bowen (of course). And Katey Sagal wins for Sons of Anarchy, looking eons better than her Peg Bundy days. I guess her win was unexpected, as she needs a sherpa to get onstage.

8:12: I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy, but all the TV critics say that she’s completely wonderful on that show, so I’m not too upset that she beat Julianna Margulies, Elisabeth Moss and Kyra Sedgwick. And I’m not at all upset that she beat Piper Perabo.

8:13: So, after 13 minutes, we can safely say that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and Whoever Produces This for TV really need to get their crap together, yes? Ricky Gervais has been the least painful part of the show. Ye gods.

8:16: I do not like Julianne Moore’s dress. It looks like her right sleeve was ripped off pre-show, and she decided to just go with it.

8:17: Wait, we’re jumping into Best Miniseries or Movie before giving out any of the acting awards for that category? Who the hell scripted this show?

8:18: I bet the people at the HBO tables are having a Faith Hill-esque freakout right now. “But we always win this category! What just happened?!”

8:19: All respect to these guys, who apparently produced a remarkable show, but not so much with the English. The Golden Globes conductor will not wait for a man to translate his thoughts, apparently.

8:21: That was Ricky’s best punchline so far. On the upside, at least Bruce Willis looked amused. Momentarily.

8:22: I know that anything Helen Mirren does garners nominations, but Red?! This show is freaking absurd.

8:23: Was Leighton Meester deliberately trying to flash the front few rows? What a bizarre entrance.

8:24: Chris Colfer wins Best Supporting Actor – TV and looks like he’s about to pass out. Tres adorable. He’s even eloquent and funny under pressure. “Screw that, kids!”

8:26: By the way, I support Chris Colfer’s win over Eric Stonestreet (oh, Cameron) because he’s been the best part of an uneven Glee season thus far. Carry on, Chris.

8:30: Why does it sound like a high school auditorium during an anti-drug assembly? Settle down, rich people.

8:31: Here’s another question: Why is (my love) Johnny Depp so orange? Has he been GTL-ing at the Shore?

8:32: Speaking of orange, time to set that hair dye aside, HFPA Prez.

8:33: Roomie: “There’s going to be ANOTHER Three Musketeers movie? How many do we need?” Fair question; I think we’re on version 873.

8:34: Why must Jon Hamm be constantly overlooked by EVERYONE? Sigh.

8:35: I like Steve Buscemi calling the play-off music “that sad music.” The best was last year, when Robert Downey, Jr. threatened to “tear this place apart” if they started the violins. I’m a little surprised that Christian Bale didn’t take that route, frankly.

8:37: And now for Best TV Series – Drama. Methinks this is where all of the HBO execs stop freaking out for losing Best Miniseries/Movie to a Spanish-language show from the Sundance Channel…

8:38: Yup, Boardwalk Empire wins and the producer steps to the mic. Or, in Casa b-roll: Naptime.

8:39: Unequivocally, the best part of the show so far was that shot of Angelina Jolie fixing Brad Pitt’s tie. Bonus points because it appears to be a clip-on. So cute. And, also, I think it shows that the bar for the rest of the evening is  just about scraping the ground.

8:43: I would’ve been way more impressed with Andrew Garfield’s presentation if he’d swung onto the stage in a harness as Spider-Man. Of course, given the recent history of the Broadway show he probably would’ve crashed, but still.

8:45: Come on, people, that joke didn’t offend anyone in the room. Why all the nervous laughter? Haven’t they passed out the champagne yet?

8:46: Shockingly, the bit with Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez fell flat when she attempted comedy. Yeah, I’m pumped for JLo on American Idol.

8:47: Apparently the production people didn’t get the memo that bleeping only works when you can hear the person; when you can read her lips saying, “Holy s*&#,” from across the room, the bleep is ineffectual. Well done.

8:48: Also, it’s always fun when a songwriter says, “Oh God, I can’t read my own writing.” I think the value of that award just dipped ever so slightly.

8:49: And Trent Reznor (and some other guy) win the Best Score award for their (superb) score for The Social Network. See, this is where you might actually need the bleep button.

8:51: B-roll roomie and I just had a GENIUS idea: When two or more people win the same award (producers, musicians, etc.), they should play “rock, paper, scissors” once they get onstage to decide who gets to talk. Sure, it would add hours to the show, but tell me it wouldn’t be fun to watch. Imagine Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg, onstage for some HBO WWII miniseries, throwing down…

8:52: Were the Golden Globes officially sponsored by Rango? Yeesh, no wonder Johnny Depp got two nominations. (I’m sorry, Johnny, I didn’t mean it! My love is everlasting!)

8:55: A short teenage boy with crazy hair who I refuse to acknowledge is now onstage with Hailee Steinfeld, who was really excellent in True Grit (just saw it today). They’re onstage to present the Best Animated Film to Toy Story 3. Oh right, like any other film is going to win this.

8:57: And of course, the guy from Pixar kills it. (And no, they were not born when Toy Story came out. Now I feel 98 years old.)

9:00: Wait, why isn’t Robert Downey, Jr. hosting the show?

9:01: I think Annette Bening will win this for The Kids are All Right (which, for the record, I thought was only all right. Okay, that was lame. Sorry). But she was quite good.

9:02: “I’m very honored to be a part of this film in which two women are very much in love and are trying to keep their family together.” Yup, that’s pretty much the plot of The Kids Are All Right. In its entirety. It’s quite the thrill ride.

9:05: Warren Beatty won a Golden Globe in 1962? Wowsa. Speaking of 98 year olds…

9:06: Great exchange as we headed into the commercial break:
Roomie: “That was cute!”
Me (looking up from my computer): “What?”
Roomie: “Cameron from Modern Family talking with…(clearly thinking)…Asian from Glee…”
Me, bursting out laughing as she looks appropriately sheepish: “I’m not going to blog that so that you don’t seem racist. Actually, scratch that, I’m totally doing it. That was hysterical.”

9:09: Ricky Gervais is appropriately easy on Sylvester Stallone, who could totally beat the crap out of him. Even though Sly looks like the Madame Tussaud’s version of himself.

9:11: Tilda Swinton and Geoffrey Rush present Best Actor – TV Miniseries/Movie. It’s like a festival of the quirky.

9:12: Wow, an Al Pacino win! I’m shocked. He’d win a Golden Globe for a Hyundai commercial.

9:14: In how many speeches does Jack Kevorkian get a shout-out?

9:15: I think Al’s about to pull out his address book and start reading names. Wrap it up, Serpico.

9:16: Ladies and gentleman, mark the time and date. Jennifer Love Hewitt is nominated for a Golden Globe Award.

9:17: Claire Danes finally makes her way to the stage, after sixteen hugs from the real Temple Grandin. The Golden Globes won’t end until February.

9:18: I’m now a little sad that Al Pacino didn’t say “holla” in his speech, too.

9:19: I know that Helena Bonham Carter has officially reached “Screw the worst-dressed list, she’s got her own style and she rocks it” status (Tilda Swinton might be the president of that club, by the way), but does anyone see her look tonight and worry that she got a bit too into playing Bellatrix Lestrange? (And for those who will google that and discover that I’m a Harry Potter freak, I plead guilty.)

9:22: NBC is airing a reality show about fast food? Isn’t that kinda incongruous, coming from the network that brings us The Biggest Loser? No wonder this network is in last place.

9:24: “The ungrateful Steve Carell!”

9:25: Roomie and I agree that Steve Carell and Tina Fey’s intro was funnier than Date Night. Agree?

9:26: Aaron Sorkin wins! I’ve adored him since his West Wing days, so I’m excited. Although, I must say, Trent Reznor (and the other guy)’s score, which is hypnotic in the film, makes truly weird walk-up music.

9:28: Smart girls do have more fun, Aaron Sorkin. But all the women in that room are also heart-stoppingly beautiful. Important distinction.

9:29: I don’t hold out much hope for Thor or Captain America, since neither of these guys can delver an intro in anything other than a monotone.

9:30: Jane Lynch wins again! Like Ed O’Neill, I was also kinda rooting for Sofia Vergara. Unlike Ed O’Neill, I probably wouldn’t charge the stage.

9:32: Roomie is not impressed with Natalie Portman’s dress, and wants someone to “accidentally” rip the rose off of the front and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry and you’re welcome.” That would be riveting, I’ve gotta say.

9:36: Olivia Wilde is gorgeous, but I can see every single rib. I’m hungry just looking at her.

9:37: All of the Twi-hards who watched for the past ninety minutes just so Robert Pattinson could announce “In a Better World, Denmark” are just wildly disappointed right now, no?

9:38: Only Helen Mirren could make the metaphor of a film-as-fetus, from “insemination,” “gestation” and “birth,” sound regal.

9:40: Onto Best Actress, TV – Comedy. I’m rooting for Toni Collette or Laura Linney, because neither is physically present. Vanessa Williams accepts on Laura Linney’s behalf and we cut to commercial. To quote Roomie, “Score!”

9:42: Do you ever see the Ernst & Young accountants come onstage with their briefcases and think, “I bet this is the high point of their lives”?

9:46: Wait, so HFPA waits 25 years to bring back Jane Fonda, and she returns to introduce the clip of Burlesque?! Sweet Jesus.

9:48: This seems like an odd choice, having the presenters for TV Actor – Comedy be a guy who could’ve been nominated himself, and a costar of the eventual winner (Jim Parsons). No conflicts there.

9:50: Jim Parsons is giving a funny speech, but it’s funnier to me that they keep cutting to celebrities in the audience who couldn’t care less what he is saying.

9:51: Oh, Supporting Actress – Movie. This is a tough category. I loved Helena Bonham Carter, yet heard The Fighter ladies (Melissa Leo and Amy Adams) were phenomenal. Tough call. Melissa Leo wins, but it’s to her credit that Amy Adams looks delighted for her.

9:52: Side note, I saw an indie film at Tribeca this year (yes, I’m bragging) starring Melissa Leo called The Space Between. No idea if it’s out yet, but if it is, Netflix it. I sobbed uncontrollably.

9:53: Did the Golden Globes announcer really just introduce Matt Damon as “Scarlett Johansson’s costar”? Really? Academy Award winner, movie star, phenomenal actor Matt Damon gets a lead-in of “Scarlett Johansson’s costar”? You’re dead to me, voiceover guy.

9:58: Look, Scarlett Johansson’s costar is onstage!

10:01: Be honest, they’re showing the clip of This Boy’s Life in De Niro’s reel so all the Leo DiCaprio fans at home can squeal with delight.

10:02: Does anyone else love the movie Awakenings as much as I do? What a gem. Speaking of movies that make me sob…

10:03: The Untouchables score just makes everything more epic, doesn’t it? Damn, that was an impressive montage.

10:05: Wow, De Niro just (hilariously) slammed the HFPA and his own movie. Well played.

10:07: This has entered the Paula Abdul Memorial “This is Weird, I’m Growing Uncomfortable, Has S/He Been Drinking?” Zone.

10:09: The voiceover guy takes us to commercial with, “Which film will win the Best Picture – Comedy or Musical award and make Golden Globe history?” The unfinished part of that sentence is, “…as the worst film to win a Best Picture prize in the history of ever.”

10:13: Why is Megan Fox introducing The Tourist? Did Angelina Jolie refuse to do it, and some producer just said, “FINE, who looks like Angelina Jolie?”

10:15: So David Fincher wins Best Director for The Social Network. I get it – as Aaron Sorkin said, he made typing interesting. But Inception is so original, and Black Swan is apparently so trippy, I’m still slightly disappointed.

10:18: I’m happy with a Glee win, despite a minor sophomore slump. Especially when the producers thank public school teachers (holla!) as the celebrities clap politely. Hey, what’s the percentage of people in that room who send their kids to public school? Like, 1.8%? Too high?

10:24: Alicia Keys is presenting the Black Swan clip? Seriously, HOW did they assign these presenters?

10:25: Even Johnny Depp is amused by his own nomination for The Tourist. Join the club, Johnny. We’ve had jackets made.

10:26: And Paul Giamatti wins for a movie I’ve never in my life heard of. Barney’s Version? Anyone? Bueller?

10:27: Okay, Paul Giamatti is hilarious. They’re bleeping his speech so much that it sounds like they’re having sound issues. I (slightly) forgive him for beating Johnny Depp, who I wanted to win for Alice in Wonderland. When Johnny wins, we all do.

10:32: Hey, a guy who actually starred in the movie that he’s presenting! What a grand idea!

10:33: After seeing Jeff Bridges in True Grit today, it’s disconcerting to hear him speak clearly.

10:34: And Natalie Portman wins Best Actress – Drama, which is not a shock. She’s going straight to the Oscars. Although I was rooting for Michelle Williams, who was fan-freaking-tastic in Blue Valentine.

10:37: Okay, Natalie, you’re going to need to tighten up that acceptance speech before the next eight awards shows. I was yelling “wrap it up!!!” several minutes ago.

10:38: Tom Hanks must be dying inside, ever so slightly. The Kids Are All Right is going to win, and it’s a pretty good movie, but seriously.

10:40: The Kids Are All Right wins, and the producers inexplicably cut to the little girl from True Grit, who looks politely bored. I concur, Hailee. It’s past my bedtime too.

10:41: Oh, sure, they’ll cut off the unknown producer people, but De Niro, Portman and Pacino get to ramble incoherently like Glenn Beck. How completely equitable.

10:43: May I say, again, how poorly organized this show is? Annette Bening won her Actress – Comedy prize about four days ago, and yet we only just got to Actress – Drama and Movie – Comedy. Supporting Actor and Actress were inexplicably miles apart. I think the producers just put all of the categories on a board and throw darts. That’s the only possible explanation.

10:46: I love Sandra Bullock, but I’m not digging the bangs. Sorry, Sandy.

10:47: Totally Team Firth here. He was extraordinary in The King’s Speech.

10:48: I think I set the bar too high for British actors who win major awards, because I expect them all to be dryly hysterical in their acceptance speeches.

10:54: Wow, the final award of the night! We’re going to end on time! PRAISE JESUS!

10:55: Okay, it’s really sweet that they’re giving Michael Douglas such a lovely cheer. That’s quite touching. Even though the show will now run way over.

10:56: Yup, The Social Network. Okay, fair enough. I liked the movie, but I thought there were others that were better. C’est la vie.

10:58: And Ricky Gervais takes the show out with quite the whimper. Well, that was underwhelming. Thanks for tuning in with me for this strange and loony ride. Good night, b-rollers!