5:12: Good evening, b-rollers! We’re here from Casa b-roll, where I am glamorously outfitted in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I switched on E! at 5pm to discover that the channel that brought us the Kardashian sisters (I’m still bitter) was already reporting live from the red carpet, which totally makes sense because most of this evening’s nominees are currently tweeting things like, “Taking a nap – limo arrives in 2 hours!” To kill time, our (not so much famous) hostess is asking such incisive questions as, “Will Tina Fey wear black? Will Lea Michele wear bangs?” Here to help speculate is Holly from The Girls Next Door! And thus I discovered that my love of all things Emmy apparently does know some bounds. Back at 6pm with Giuliana and Ryan, who will hopefully descend via magic staircase. See you soon, b-rollers.
5:51: Just turned E! back on to hear the hostess say, “BTW, I just got a text…” No, really – she said “BTW.” Is that really more efficient than saying “by the way” aloud? I need liquor.
6:00: We kick off the Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic portion of the red carpet! Thank God. I can’t believe I just said that.
6:01: Jane Lynch! Love. LOVE. Totally rooting for her tonight. And looking lovely, I must say. This is an excellent way to kick off the show, particularly because Jane Lynch is freakishly taller than Ryan, to the point that Ry looks rather like Snooki. This is delightful.
6:02: Ryan’s line “I am waxed!” made me giggle on a number of levels. Does he appreciate irony?
6:03: Okay, I was wrong – Giuliana looks like Snooki. Put down the self-tanner, darling.
6:04: Ryan could not look less interested in Giuliana’s description of her borrowed jewelry. Might want to hold off on the split screen next time she begins a 12-minute dissertation on her diamond knot ring.
6:08: Oh sweet Lord – the Jersey Shore gang is providing commentary? Is it too late to retract my “Thank God”?
6:12: I love me some celebrities, but could there be a more boring place to be than standing directly next to the E! Glam Cam all evening? That would get old so fast.
6:15: I’ll admit – I’ve watched Jersey Shore in the past. But aren’t there, you know, actual celebrities at the Emmys right now? Was a video interview of the “cast” really necessary? Ryan is a pro, but you could feel him dying slightly as he asked which cast member takes the longest to get ready in the morning.
6:18: Ty Burrell – Modern Family‘s amazing Phil, a nominee tonight – just got about 30 seconds of airtime. But thank God we know about Snooki’s day drinking.
6:19: Idol news? Well teased, Seacrest. Anyone else notice the terrified catch in Ryan’s voice as he said Kathy Griffin’s name? (For the record: I love her and think she’s a hilarious and less mean Joan Rivers. She’s also awesome live.)
6:22: Here’s my major question about The Switch: How are you allowed to take your “sample” home from the sperm bank, and then pass it around at a party? I get the whole suspension of disbelief thing, but c’mon…
6:25: I know “Lead Actor, Comedy” is a crowded category, but Joel McHale seriously should have been nominated. ITHOOBR.
6:26: Giuliana just asked Kevin McHale – the Glee actor, not the Celtic – who he would “dedicate his Emmy to.” Considering he’s not nominated, I’m guessing that person shouldn’t hold their breath.
6:30: Kathy Griffin brought her mother Maggie to the Emmys! Awesome choice. I wish Maggie had brought her box of wine. And that I had one.
6:34: Oh Lea Michele, please do not say that you’re a fan of Kim Kardashian. You are talented. She is just famous.
6:37: Lea Michele is 24 today. My roommate’s reaction – of which I wholeheartedly approve – “Oh, shut up.”
6:38: I never watched My So-Called Life, but grown-up Claire Danes makes me feel old. And mad that she married my should-be husband Hugh Dancy. Not that I’m bitter.
6:40: Nice of Nigel Lythgoe to get a haircut before the show, although for comic effect, I wish he was still rocking the Carol Brady look.
6:41: How can you tease Idol news and then expect “we’ll hire judges in the next 3 weeks, we think” to satisfy? You’re dead to me, Seacrest.
6:43: Not loving Lauren Graham’s dress, sadly. This is also a depressing reminder that she should have been nominated about six times for Gilmore Girls. Epic fail, Emmy voters.
6:46: I love Ryan’s reaction to Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend not being able to attend the Emmys due to injuries from a car accident: “Well, at least you look lovely.” Empathy’s always been Ry’s strong suit.
6:48: Oh, Jon Hamm. I don’t have further comment. I’m just staring.
6:50: Ricky Gervais seems to push Ed Helms’ Andy as a potential Michael Scott successor. Question for fellow Office fans: would boss Andy be too much like Michael? Discuss.
6:52: Official Casa b-roll reaction to Kate Gosselin on the red carpet: “OH GOD!” and “WHAT?!” simultaneously, creating a cacophany of bewilderment.
6:54: Dear E!: Please switch up your commercial rotation, particularly since they all seem to be several years old. Edible Arrangements and j’adore? Seriously? At every single commercial break?
6:57: Doesn’t Ryan Murphy look kind of like a younger Michael Kors? Or have I been watching too much Project Runway the past few weeks?
6:59: I love that Chris Colfer is wearing a music clef pin on his jacket. If he beats Eric Stonestreet for the Emmy this evening, I’d be okay(ish) with it.
7:00: I appreciate the “art” and “sculpture” factor of January Jones dress. But, as Casa b-roll roomie noticed: “Her breasts look weird in that.” Not a fan.
7:01: Because I associate so strongly with Liz Lemon, it’s always bizarre to see Tina Fey looking so glam.
7:02: I really want to know what the guy scribbling frantically on a dry erase board next to Ryan Seacrest is writing. Names? Questions? Jokes? Baseball scores? This will bother me.
7:09: Speaking of people who make me feel old – welcome, Anna Paquin!
7:12: I enjoy Mad Men as much as the next person, but the ’60s giant hair trend is a little out of control. Mindy Kaling looks kinda Marge Simpson-esque.
7:14: I keep waiting for Ryan Seacrest to make a crack about Matthew Morrison’s hair. I may be in Glee withdrawal.
7:16: It’s official: Neil Patrick Harris should be on EVERYTHING.
7:19: Giuliana, to Kyra Sedgwick: “We have yet to win.” Why is Giuliana using the royal “we”? She’s not solving murders and rocking a southern accent, unless I’m much mistaken.
7:24: Amy Poehler had a baby three weeks ago? How is that possible? Is this red carpet a twilight zone?
7:29: Hugh Laurie! He must win a freaking Emmy before House concludes. The man is a genius.
7:33: Juliana Margulies – is there any way she doesn’t win tonight? Too much Good Wife buzz, methinks. And all of it deserved.
7:35: Giuliana is pleased that the other Juliana is wearing her own shoes “to be comfortable.” B-roll roomie: “It’s not like her own shoes are Payless.” We think.
7:38: Okay, I’ll ask – why was aerial coverage of the red carpet via Goodyear blimp necessary? “Wow, it’s…an indistinguishable sea of tuxedos!” Don’t do it just because you can, E! One more idiotic move and I’ll remove the exclamation point.
7:40: Ah, the marvelous Ed O’Neill. You’ve totally redeemed yourself for Married…with Children, my dear.
7:43: I’m going to make a bold statement: As much as I eternally heart Glee, I’m pulling for Modern Family. More details to come.
7:44: John Krasinski! My other should-be husband, not to be all Big Love about it. Damn you, Emily Blunt.
7:46: Giuliana to Dianna Agron from Glee: “You guys get along so well in your cast.” Sure, except for that whole “egging the car” incident.
7:48: Just flipped over to NBC, to find that their hosts are Billy Bush and Maria Menounos. And I was hoping for a change of pace from Seacrest and Giuliana. Sigh.
7:50: Julie Bowen of Modern Family loves 30 Rock and Project Runway. I think we may be platonic soulmates. Call me, Julie.
7:51: Billy Bush sounds like an 85 year-old man hosting the cable access version of a red carpet show. To Lea Michele: “Your dress is beautiful. You’re going to end up on the good list. You know, there are two lists at these things.”
7:55: Paula Abdul just told Ryan that he is her brother. I think she meant it metaphorically, or at least I hope she did. Either way, Paula is involved so his show just got 30% more interesting. You earned the ! back, E!
7:58: Shifting to an Emmy Awards Show live blog. I need time to mentally prepare. Head to the homepage and follow me through the show, b-rollers!