8:00: The only way I could love this opening more was if Matt Damon was involved. Oh. My. God.

8:03: Please bring in Conan O’Brien. Please, oh please, oh please…

8:04: TIM FREAKING GUNN!!!!!

8:06: Genius. Absolutely genius. I’m calling it – BEST OPENING EVER. Superb, Fallon.

8:07: Wow, they had that cut to Conan all ready to go! Not awkward at all…

8:09: I know I’m kinda in the minority here, but: I adore montages.

8:11: Perhaps we should just name Betty White a Queen and get it over with. It’s inevitable, right?

8:14: And supporting actor goes to: Eric Stonestreet! YES!!! I absolutely adore his Cameron. A lovely and heartfelt speech, too.

8:20: See, when you’re smart enough to spoof the Old Spice guy, you deserve an Emmy. Congrats, Modern Family writers!

8:22: The theme of the Emmys so far seems to be “zip the hell through the nominee packages.” This show should be wrapped up by 9:15 at this rate.

8:23: This award has to go to Jane Lynch, right? I mean, seriously…

8:24: Well, duh. I kinda love the Emmy orchestra’s arrangement of the Glee theme.

8:26: “I’m not a Buddhist, but they seem like a very calm people.” Best line of the night that didn’t involve Betty White.

8:28: Oprah: THE FAREWELL SEASON. Thank God they’re not being overly dramatic or anything. That’s not Oprah’s style.

8:30: Didn’t Matthew Perry and Lauren Graham date briefly? Will this get awkward? I may need to cut back on the People magazine.

8:32: Gee, I wonder who won the Guest Actress Emmy! Anyone know?

8:33: In case we didn’t know, writers > directors in comedy sketches. So now we’re clear.

8:34: Ryan Murphy says “I’m so shocked” for winning the director’s prize, without sounding at all shocked (as he shouldn’t be, like duh). He makes up for it by dedicating his award to arts educators. Murphy FTW!

8:37: Now we’re adding Clooney to Modern Family? Did the writers of these sketches pull them from my subconscious, like Inception? Because this show earned “DO NOT DELETE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER” on my DVR.

8:39: Wow, Alec Baldwin doesn’t win Lead Actor! But congrats to Jim Parsons, who is apparently wonderful on a show that I don’t watch but is apparently wonderful.

8:43: Round of applause to the Emmy producers. So far the show is snappy, well-written and zipping right along. b-roll approves.

8:44: NPH will never be defeated. NOT EVER. I’m going to call Amy Poehler in this category. I don’t know why, I’m just feeling it.

8:45: Oh, Edie Falco wins. Right. I forgot about that rule that states that any cast member of The Sopranos automatically wins the award for which they’re nominated. Gotcha. Duly noted.

8:47: Oh good. Another Kardashian sighting. They’re totally underexposed.

8:48: This montage is really revealing “reality” as the classiest of the TV genres, isn’t it?

8:50: I watched The Amazing Race this year for the first time, so ironically, I’m okay if it wins for the jillionth time, even though last year I was kinda ticked. And now Top Chef wins…and I’m not watching that show anymore. Why are the television gods toying with me?!

8:51: Padma, Gail, this is not a frat party. Settle down. Be dignified.

8:52: Seriously – another Oprah montage?! I know it’s her FAREWELL SEASON, but get a grip.

8:57: “Their shattered dreams are our gain!” John Hodgman should take over the VO duties for every awards show, no?

8:58: The Grey’s Anatomy finale was so phenomenal that I gasped at the clip of McDreamy getting shot and yelled “THAT WAS SO GOOD!”

8:59: When you want drama, just play the Dragonheart score, and that oughta do it. This montage is 800 times more interesting with that music.

9:02: Wow, Mad Men wins yet again! I adore that show so I’m cool with a Mad Men sweep, but as a newbie Lost fan, I kinda hope Cuselof win something.

9:04: Hey, how come the Drama actors get clips (short ones) while the Comedy guys didn’t? Anti-comedy bias? Anyway, Aaron Paul wins for Supporting Actor, Drama. I was rooting for John Slattery, who makes every Mad Men scene better. I’m also a bit worried that this forecasts yet another Bryan Cranston victory, and it’s seriously time to spread the love.

9:08: Okay, my TV info says the Emmys are supposed to go until 11pm, but aren’t we almost done? This show is flying on by. What else is there to present? Is there a huge musical number coming up?

9:11: DVR glitch, so I’m a couple minutes behind the action. Just FYI.

9:12: Nathan Fillion! Although he’s good at banter, and this was a wildly underwhelming exchange – I was expecting better writing, people.

9:14: Supporting Actress, Drama goes to Archie Panjabi from The Good Wife! I’m kinda stunned. She’s awesome on Good Wife, though. Not a Mad Men night after all, perhaps…

9:15: And we speed straight into Lead Actor, Drama. And…it’s Cranston. Again. Look, I’m sure he’s amazing, but remember how everyone was kinda tired of Tony Shalhoub acceptance speeches? In a related story…

9:16: Okay, TV gods. I give in. Is Breaking Bad available to stream on Netflix?

9:18: Um, why did we just get an ad for Tonka trucks? I’m pretty sure there aren’t 4 year old boys watching the Emmy telecast at 9:18pm.

9:21: What? A writing/directing award that’s NOT going to Mad Men?

9:23: The Emmy producers think so much of this director’s acceptance speech that they superimposed “George Clooney in 17 minutes!” in the corner of the screen. Respectful and classy, fellas.

9:24: This is a damn fine Elton John impression. I kinda forgot that Jimmy used to be a character actor. When Horatio Sanz wasn’t cracking him up mid-sketch, that is.

9:26: I have to say: I did not expect Jimmy Fallon to pull this show off to this degree. He’s absolutely killing it. I’ve never been much of a fan, but I am now.

9:32: And the Emmy for Lead Actress, Drama goes to Kyra Sedgwick! Totally did not see that coming, even though I ADORE her on The Closer. But I would’ve placed money on Juliana Margulies taking this. Thank God I didn’t, since I don’t have any to spare.

9:34: Saw that Colbert duet coming from a mile away, not that it made it any less delightful.

9:36: Okay, Conan has to win something in this category. I think we’re all dying to know what he has to say, no?

9:38: I’m starting a chant: CO-CO! CO-CO! CO-CO! CO-CO!

9:39: I liked the Tony Awards – I live blogged them, after all! – but that was the least interesting clip of the bunch.

9:40: Who else was expecting a cut to Conan when this guy gave Leno a shout-out? Although I have to give him credit for standing up for Leno when that’s clearly not the way things are trending.

9:43: I’m amazed that it took the editors of The American trailer ten whole seconds to cut to the shot of a shirtless Clooney doing push-ups. That’s remarkable restraint.

9:46: “Ladies and Gentleman, Ricky Gervais.” Always the most delightful intro in any awards show.

9:48: The joy with which Ricky just said, “Bucky Guntz!!!” made the entire show worthwhile. That was delightful.

9:50: Bucky does not look super-amused, I have to say. Somebody give him a beer.

9:51: Jon Stewart’s Glenn Beck impression should be in the Smithsonian. That is all.

9:53: This was the only time I was hoping The Daily Show would NOT win. Sad face on behalf of Coco. 😦

9:55: Not that I thought it was a good idea, but at 9:23, the Emmy people said George Clooney would be on in 17 minutes. By my math, that was 32 minutes ago. See, this is why I time stamp.  Especially when George Clooney is involved.

9:59: Oh good, the TV Academy President. Always a riveting interlude.

10:00 Ah, here we go. Bring on the Clooney. I’m surprised we didn’t get a clip montage of his TV humanitarian work, though – he’s produced some great stuff.

10:03: A typically classy and moving speech. I seriously hope Kim Kardashian was listening.

10:06: I’m rooting for Catherine O’Hara, because that woman should’ve won an (ironic) Oscar for For Your Consideration. Among others.

10:08: Julia Ormond has hardly aged since Sabrina. This is kinda eerie.

10:10: These Infiniti commercials remind me: I am now a huge fan of the show Community. It’s seriously hysterical. Check it out this season, b-rollers.

10:13: Apparently the “In Memoriam” is coming up. I’m getting preemptorily weepy…

10:15: Ooh, I LOVE David Strathairn! One of the most underrated actors out there. Couldn’t they have cut to Clooney again (you know, Good Night and Good Luck)? Am I grasping at straws? Whatever.

10:17: In Memoriam. Gulp.

10:21: Good call, cutting to commercial after the In Memoriam. There’s no way to follow that in a way that’s respectful.

10:22: Not to get all political – oh, what the hell – but I’m really sick of these BP “We’ll make it right!” commercials. We get it. You know you screwed up, and your PR firm told you to make a series of commercials in which you apologize. Message received. Now just shut up and clean up the damn oil. Sorry, I’m getting a little punchy.

10:25: Outstanding writing for a miniseries or movie! Time for a nap. Just kidding, congrats Adam Mazer. And Jack Kevorkian, who apparently is IN THE AUDIENCE. Anyone else entirely creeped out by this?

10:27: I’m rooting for Claire Danes. Mostly so that we can get a Hugh Dancy sighting.

10:28: Score! Okay, selfish moment over. Congrats, Claire Danes who was supposed to be wonderful in this. It’s in the Netflix queue, I swear.

10:30: Okay, I would have thanked my hot husband. If I was married to him. Which I should be. NOT THAT I’M BITTER.

10:34: And Temple Grandin continues to sweep the Miniseries/Movie awards. Giving the actual Temple Grandin another chance to stand and wave, bless her.

10:38: Wow, McKellan? Pacino? If only this category were prestigious. Shockingly, Pacino takes the award. I think he automatically wins, in the same vein as Edie Falco.

10:39: Do I need to get my television adjusted, or is everyone in Hollywood orange right now? Maybe I’m just oversensitive, since I’m a whiter shade of pale. But still – why does Pacino look like he’s been GTL-ing?

10:40: I know he’s Pacino, but it’s okay to play him off. Go ahead. Press the button. It’s time.

10:41: “I’m going to miss a lot of people.” Just send them a heartfelt email, Al.

10:42: You’re probably wondering, after that promo, if I am interested in watching The Event this Fall. Um, no. I am not. I’m not a huge fan of “world goes kaboom” movies and TV shows. I prefer to stick to happier scenarios, like hospital shootings and special victims units.

10:46: Does anyone think that The Pacific won’t win? C’mon. Gee, I wonder who’ll win an HBO vs. PBS duel?

10:47: b-roll roomie: “Hanks is an old hand at this.” Um, yeah.

10:48: The Emmy goes to Temple Grandin? I am shocked, SHOCKED, I say!

10:49: The Temple Grandin producer is seconds away from a wardrobe malfunction. Better play her off immediately.

10:50: “Oh….okay.” Well played, Tom Selleck. Particularly since I don’t think he was even listening to his intro.

10:51: Mad Men – oh my, I love that show. But that sound you hear is Twitter exploding with Lost fans going absolutely ballistic. Literally exploding. On the other hand, Emmy voters, thank you for bringing Jon Hamm back into our lives again.

10:53: Curious, though, to give the Drama Award before the Comedy prize. But then, after we zipped through the initial Comedy/Drama prizes, the wheels did start to come off the wagon a little bit.

10:55: Ted Danson sprints on to give the last Emmy to Modern Family! Yeah, this is not at all shocking. b-roll officially endorses this decision. But the Glee kids have to be a bit bummed. I’m sure that Ryan Murphy will funnel his rage and disappointment into a killer group number at some point this season.

10:59: Thus ends the Emmy Awards – on time and everything! Kudos to Jimmy Fallon, who shocked the hell out of me, and George Clooney, his usual fabulous self. Good night and good luck, b-rollers!