5:12: Good evening, b-rollers! We’re here from Casa b-roll, where I am glamorously outfitted in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I switched on E! at 5pm to discover that the channel that brought us the Kardashian sisters (I’m still bitter) was already reporting live from the red carpet, which totally makes sense because most of this evening’s nominees are currently tweeting things like, “Taking a nap – limo arrives in 2 hours!” To kill time, our (not so much famous) hostess is asking such incisive questions as, “Will Tina Fey wear black? Will Lea Michele wear bangs?” Here to help speculate is Holly from The Girls Next Door! And thus I discovered that my love of all things Emmy apparently does know some bounds. Back at 6pm with Giuliana and Ryan, who will hopefully descend via magic staircase. See you soon, b-rollers.
5:51: Just turned E! back on to hear the hostess say, “BTW, I just got a text…” No, really – she said “BTW.” Is that really more efficient than saying “by the way” aloud? I need liquor.
6:00: We kick off the Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic portion of the red carpet! Thank God. I can’t believe I just said that.
6:01: Jane Lynch! Love. LOVE. Totally rooting for her tonight. And looking lovely, I must say. This is an excellent way to kick off the show, particularly because Jane Lynch is freakishly taller than Ryan, to the point that Ry looks rather like Snooki. This is delightful.
6:02: Ryan’s line “I am waxed!” made me giggle on a number of levels. Does he appreciate irony?
6:03: Okay, I was wrong – Giuliana looks like Snooki. Put down the self-tanner, darling.
6:04: Ryan could not look less interested in Giuliana’s description of her borrowed jewelry. Might want to hold off on the split screen next time she begins a 12-minute dissertation on her diamond knot ring.
6:08: Oh sweet Lord – the Jersey Shore gang is providing commentary? Is it too late to retract my “Thank God”?
6:12: I love me some celebrities, but could there be a more boring place to be than standing directly next to the E! Glam Cam all evening? That would get old so fast.
6:15: I’ll admit – I’ve watched Jersey Shore in the past. But aren’t there, you know, actual celebrities at the Emmys right now? Was a video interview of the “cast” really necessary? Ryan is a pro, but you could feel him dying slightly as he asked which cast member takes the longest to get ready in the morning.
6:18: Ty Burrell – Modern Family‘s amazing Phil, a nominee tonight – just got about 30 seconds of airtime. But thank God we know about Snooki’s day drinking.