8:15: Good evening, b-rollers! We’re 45 minutes away from the Idol results show, in which Casey’s departure is, um, probable. Not to pile on the poor thing, but I checked DialIdol’s prediction meter and they have Casey trailing by a lot. They may as well have stamped “freaking duh” on their homepage. Anyway, my TV is currently off – shocking, I know – as I mentally prepare for this evening’s penultimate results show. Back at 9!
9:01: And we begin with a SUPER DRAMATIC INTRO that features Ryan saying, “The two facing off in the finale ARE…” Um, obvious?!
9:02: Love Siobhan in the audience, applauding tepidly for Justin Bieber. I know, I’m underwhelmed by the selection of him as well.
9:03: Casey looks pretty resigned, right? At least, as b-roll roommie Monisha just pointed out, he “won’t have to sing some heinous song that Kara wrote” next week.
9:04: I love Ryan saying that no one knows how hard the Idol contestants work. I think the subtext of his question is, But none of you work as hard as I do. I’ll be up at 3am for my radio show tomorrow morning. SO THERE. Also, Ryan is nodding at Casey’s “$10 million or $100 million” metaphor like, Those numbers mean nothing to me, I could buy and sell you like THAT. This could be a blog in and of itself – the inner thoughts of Seacrest. I’m enjoying this way too much.
9:07: It is now my goal in life to get a smiley-face text back from Casey. Who has this number?
9:08: Another astute comment from Monisha: “Crystal just brought her health AND the Lord into this conversation. Now she’s in it to win.” Indeed.
9:09: The Dawg continues his run of bizarre fashion choices by pairing a white cardigan over a white t-shirt, then wearing bright blue glasses. Wow. Yo, yo…for me, for you, it’s only aight.
9:10: The judges looked unamused by Casey’s comment, but he’s not wrong that there’s been some less-than-helpful criticism. In fact, that’s putting it rather mildly.
9:11: We now solve the mystery from last night: Casey’s town in Texas is named Cool. That’s both appropriate for Casey, and ironic because…you know what, I’ll refrain from further comment. I don’t want to be attacked by a mob of angry Texans.
9:13: Who else is depressed that Mary Murphy is leaving the judges table of So You Think You Can Dance? No more hysterical shrieking? No more automatic muting of the television during her critiques? No more hot tamale train?! I’m a little upset, not gonna lie.
9:15: As someone who lives in Washington and has seen the Presidential motorcade multiple times, allow me to tell you that the Idol hometown motorcade looks comparable in size. I find this a vaguely disturbing representation of our national priorities.
9:16: Why would anyone want someone to autograph their dachshund? Seek help, ma’am.
9:17: I forgot that Casey was in an accident. You know, this footage might have been more helpful last night. Then Casey might have a shot in hell at remaining on the show. Also, the official Casa b-roll reaction to the picture of Casey right after the accident – totally broken and unconscious – was “Wow, look at his hair! It’s so much shorter!” Yes, we’re appropriately ashamed.
9:21: Could we retire the wheezing cat commercial? I’m all for anti-smoking ads, but some of us have just eaten dinner. Have mercy.
9:23: Ryan brings us back from commercial with “Find out who will fight onstage next week at the finale.” Like, literally?! This just got interesting.
9:24: I’ll admit that I read Perez Hilton, and have the proper amount of self-loathing for that. But let’s not turn the Idol results show completely over to his whims, okay?
9:25: Is the split screen entirely necessary? And if you’re going to do one, how about showing us the Stomp drums in one frame instead of turning it into “many angles of the guy who isn’t nearly as good as Justin Timberlake, sorry Perez”?
9:27: Every time that someone else uses the Seacrest Memorial Staircase, I expect Ryan to sprint out and unleash his fury upon all those around him. I’m impressed by his restraint.
9:34: I kinda love how the mayor of Toledo is wearing a leather vest and cap. When I saw the guy onscreen, I did not expect “Mayor of Toledo” to pop up under his name, gotta say.
9:36: If Kris’ parents were the MVPs of last year’s hometown visits, then Crystal’s dad is certainly this year’s front-runner, no?
9:37: Hey, did you guys know that Lee was a paint salesman? No way, me neither!
9:38: Nope, never mind, the small child at Lee’s elementary school trying to drown out the screaming by putting his fingers in his ears – HE is the Hometown Visit MVP. It’s not even a contest.
9:40: And here come Lee’s parents making a late charge, choking up as he does. Awww.
9:41: I hate Ryan’s inane questions so hard right now. “How does it feel to make your dad so proud?” Really, Seacrest? How many answers are there to that question? Good Lord.
9:46: I seriously hope that the Justin Bieber Backup Singers/Dancers spend a good long time contemplating the state of their careers while busting out the doo-wop moves behind their toddler boss. I’m sure they’re thrilled to be employed, but also probably a little sad.
9:50: Justin Bieber must’ve just started his drum lessons, because he looked vaguely terrified during that drum set interlude.
9:51: I’m so tired of the AT&T commercial with the Willy Wonka song that I’m ready to start hurling everlasting gobstoppers at the next airing. Please desist, AT&T.
9:53: Really? Trying to make this dramatic, Ry? Just get it over with so Casey can sing and hug his family.
9:55: And Crystal and Lee are in the finale. Well, duh.
9:56: I give Casey credit – he’s handled this whole season with a lot of class. When he wasn’t taking his shirt off to get to Hollywood, that is. But still, he seems like a really sweet guy.
9:57: I hope Casey knows the small child that he scooped up. She’s adorable but looks disconcerted.
9:58: This performance was much more interesting than last night’s. It may have been the presence of the child, and I kept wondering if she would run screaming back to her family.
10:00: So, we’re off to next week’s finale with Crystal and Lee in a pretty even race for the crown. Let us all pray that Kara comes up with something less godawful for them to sing than last year’s, uh, effort. Good night, everyone!