8:52: Happy Wednesday, everyone! I’ve spent the last hour looking for apartments online. Casa b-roll will soon relocate, if I can survive the living hell that is apartment hunting, packing and moving. Fingers crossed, b-rollers. Back in 8 minutes.
9:00: Um, who else is thrown off by the tinkly piano intro? My ears are conditioned for that pounding synthesizer, followed by the blinding strobe-light open. Sensory overload is what makes Idol great. I’m confused.
9:02: Daughtry must be shaking his head sadly at Ryan’s “Someone who knows how tough tonight’s show can be” remark. That was cold, Seacrest.
9:03: Fantasia continues the sparkly trend! That is one gold jacket. And when did shoulder pads come back into style, by the way? Kara was rocking them last night, too. I can’t imagine that the world was dying for a return to that hip ’80s style.
9:06: I like Fantasia, and she could sing the phonebook (that phrase is trademarked to Randy Jackson, incidentally), but this song is less than memorable. As evidenced by that shot of the four contestants watching blankly, clearly unaware of how they should be reacting.
9:07: Really, Ryan? Mocking other people’s height? When a conversation in my apartment once included the phrase “Let’s say Ryan is 5’8 in his shoes and heels”? Really?
9:11: Does Crystal have a bizarre yellow feather in her hair, or a really bad weave?
9:12: Casey must’ve drawn the short straw for the Ford commercial since he’s in lederhosen. And why was Big Mike not ethnically costumed? Could they not find clothes big enough for him? They must have Big & Talls around the world, yes?
9:14: This home-visit footage is making me nostalgic for when Idol was, um, better. And also sad to see the people who are no longer at the same pinnacle (Taylor Hicks, anyone?).
9:15: I love it when Ryan asks how a contestant feels about something. “How do you feel when you watch this footage?” “Like clubbing you with the microphone stand until you give us the freaking results so we can get the hell out of here, Ry.”
9:17: I feel like the judges – who had no clue what “Falling Slowly” even was last year, despite an Oscar win – are probably thinking, “Wait, that’s from a movie?! Get out!”
9:19: Casey’s in the top three?! That’s a surprise. Apparently the Cougars for Casey (no really, apparently that’s a thing) were inspired by the “Mrs. Robinson” choice and mobilized to vote. DialIdol says that Crystal is safe too, which potentially leaves Big Mike and Lee as our bottom two. I’m okay with that – Casey and Crystal were the best last night, IMHO.
9:25: This performance really does remind us that Chris shouldn’t have finished in fourth freaking place, doesn’t it? Does anyone else feel like David Cook’s ascension (and this year’s Casey-Crystal-Lee trifecta) was sort of America’s “yup, our bad” moment?
9:29: It’s interesting that even though it’s been a few years, Daughtry is still rocking the curvy facial hair. I was on the fence about it at the time, and I’m still not sure I totally onboard. It’s just a tad too metrosexual for a guy that seems rather badass.
9:34: Ryan: “Results in no particular order…but Crystal, you’re almost definitely going to win so you’re safe.” No, he didn’t say that. But he might as well. And I also love the repackaging of Simon’s “What the hell is Free Willy?” comment into “Simon didn’t care for the song choice.”
9:36: Again with the stupid questions: “Lee, was that criticism valid?” “No! It was delivered by a guy who frequently starts his sentences with “yo, yo, yo” and “for me, for you”! THIS IS BULLSHIT!”
9:37: I know that DialIdol said that Crystal was safe, but I’m still officially in “No they will not pull a Daughtry on Crystal and vote her in FOURTH place” hyperventilation mode. If the Idol producers pulled an elaborate jinx with this Daughtry performance, there will be a series of irate blog posts in our future. Prep yourselves, b-rollers.
9:44: Is Bon Jovi the only guy on the planet who can pull off a feathered hairdo and leather shirt well into his 40s? Discuss.
9:45: New theory: The Idol producers are just trying to stir up drama because of course Crystal has made it to the top three and Big Mike is going home. She’s probably not in the bottom two, they’re just messing with us. Right? RIGHT?!
9:47: I’m sorry, did Ryan just tell Bon Jovi “bitchin’ job!”? No, Ryan darling, you’re not nearly cool enough to pull that enough. Even if “bitchin'” was still a term that was used regularly.
9:52: I can’t decide if this family thing is good or not. It’s about to get seriously awkward for one group up there in a second.
9:53: Oh, thank God. Thank you Jesus.
9:54: I can’t help but feel for Big Mike’s wife (who is clearly trying to keep up a brave face, but looks devastated nonetheless). But a teensy comeuppance was due her for shrieking and jumping like a maniac every time Big Mike was declared safe at someone else’s expense. Just sayin’.
9:56: Wait, Big Mike had a baby girl? OMG, DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT?!
9:57: And the (completely adorable) baby girl is onstage for his final performance. As God and the producers intended.
9:58: Not gonna lie to you, b-rollers – this was my ideal Top 3 for the past, oh, really long time. So I’m excited for next week. Not as excited as I would’ve been for a Kris-Adam-Allison final three last year – that would’ve been fan-freaking-tastic – but still, it could be worse.
9:59: And we end the show with Ryan whiffing on a fist bump and Big Mike’s daughter seconds away from a meltddown. Of course we do. Solid effort all around tonight, folks. Good night and good luck, b-rollers!