8:50: Good evening, b-rollers! I hope everyone had a happy Cinco de Mayo. Anyone downing margaritas in preparation for this evening’s results show? I am sober, which may be a mistake considering we have a Lady Gaga song in our immediate future, and methinks the only way to appreciate her, uh, unique brand of performance art is in a state of impairment. Oh well. Back in 10.
9:00: We open with a frenetic montage of Harry Connick, Jr. cracking jokes. Also, the Idol graphic department seems to have regained consciousness this week – nice work on the silhouettes, folks.
9:01: Why is Ryan swathed in light? Is that what you see when you die? Okay, now I’m terrified.
9:02: Wardrobe observation: I’m glad Ryan’s moved on from the bedazzled tees and jeans of yore (and frosted hair), but has he worn the same suit, tie and pocket square every week since? Because even Simon changes t-shirt colors occasionally.
9:03: The boys look exceptionally cool, but that’s not enough to save this medley. Also, is Crystal the only one who’s allowed to sing live? Because she sounded it; Aaron, not so much. Shouldn’t this be a basis for elimination right now? “Crystal, you’re good enough to sing in a medley live; everyone else, please exit the stage. Thank you for participating in Season 9 of American Idol.”
9:05: We now conclude the “Disney Goes Vegas” portion of the evening. That was…well, it was.
9:07: Hardware store query (never thought I’d type that phrase): How did Lowe’s become so successful? I could’ve sworn that Home Depot had pretty much cornered the hardware superstore market, but here we are.
9:09: Wasn’t Jamie Foxx a mentor last year? He was pretty good, if I recall correctly. But it was R&B (not “songs of the cinema”) then, yes?
9:10: I have lots of favorite movie songs that I’m hopeful the Top 4 will sing. If Aaron makes it, even money says he’s picking a song from an animated film, yes?
9:12: This is actually kinda interesting, I’ve gotta say. We always hear about what a crazy schedule the Idol contestants have, and it’s nice to see exactly how.
9:15: Don’t we have two live performances in our future? Why are we awkwardly bantering?
9:16: Is this the point when we have two groups of two, and the last person is asked to pick which group they’re in? Remember, when David Archuleta sat down in the middle of the stage a couple of years ago? Remember? No, just me? Okay.
9:17: Is Simon oddly orange, or is it the red spotlights being cast on him and the audience behind him?
9:18: You know, I enjoyed the first two Shreks. At this point, though, it just seems like “Club, dead horse…”
9:20: Is it wrong that I now want to go to Fox.com and play Idol trivia. Because I would KILL. IT. I may need a new hobby.
9:23: And we’re back for Lady GaGa and holy crap, is that a statue? And that piano is uniquely decorated. I’d seriously hate to be the people who have to clear the thornbushes off of it later.
9:24: GaGa’s outfit is a new entry into the “What should I work for my work gala?” sweepstakes, joining Fergie and her backup dancers outfits from Idol Gives Back. Votes, b-rollers?
9:27: This song is catchy-ish in the way that most of GaGa’s music is. Although I still feel like I’d have to be on tranquilizers to “get” it.
9:28: Here’s my main problem with GaGa: She’s a gifted, classically trained pianist. She had to make a choice between being a for-real musician, or being famous. She chose fame, which is fine; I just wish she wouldn’t take herself so seriously. She’s creating techno-pop music and wearing gauze. It’s not high art.
9:32: Really? Another video montage? I enjoy Harry Connick, Jr. as much as the next person (unless the next person is my Mom), but more video clips?
9:34: Okay, strike the last comment. That was by far the most entertaining part of Season 9 thus far. Including singing. No, seriously. HIRE THIS MAN, IDOL POWERS-THAT-BE!
9:36: Hey, look! A musical guest who is singing live! His band has musical instruments and they are playing them! There are no fireworks or laser shows or veils or half-naked dancers! What brand of strange performance is this?!
9:37: The SwayBots just brought me crashing back down to Earth. Why, oh why, do they exist in our lives?
9:38: Apparently, Harry has officially wrested Ryan’s job away from him. More power to you, Harry. I’m totally okay with that.
9:39: Oh sweet Jesus, another medley. Well, that moment turned sour fast.
9:42: Ryan, don’t get into a joke duel with Harry and Ellen. You’re outclassed, my tiny friend.
9:46: As we see the cheesy Kay commercial featuring Jane Seymour – and really, every Kay commercial could be labeled “the cheesy Kay commercial featuring…” – I’m reminded of a friend who has said that if a guy she was dating proposed with a ring from Kay, she would say no on principle. I will always find that hilarious.
9:48: I wouldn’t call it much of a gift to stay on those uncomfortable-looking silver stools. Poor Lee, even if he is safe.
9:49: Randy helpfully mimes throwing something on his desk as Ryan revisits his “throwing down the gauntlet” remark.
9:50: Since I called Casey going home this week, I’m getting a little bit nervous. If Crystal goes home, I will be unbelievably displeased. Like, a lot. Horribly, wildly, incredibly depressed. Just FYI.
9:51: Just when Lee thought he was safe from having to choose. Good call, dude.
9:52: So Casey benefits from the sympathy vote! I’m okay with that. No, not just because he’s adorable. Seriously. That’s not at all the reason. Stop taunting me. No, but really – I don’t think America can lose by sending Big Mike or Aaron home. It’s a win-win for us all.
9:54: There’s an active argument going on at Casa b-roll right now about the show Family Feud. No, seriously. There really is. One roommate is a fan; the other is, well, not. Any other Feud fans in the house?
9:55: And Aaron goes home. His soul is crushed, and now his bones too as Big Mike envelops him. I like Aaron and wish him well. He was never my favorite, but he’s done an admirable job for someone so young (hey, did you know he was only 17?).
9:57: He’s opening this version much better than last night. Ever notice how most exit performances are looser and more entertaining than the rest of the season? Aaron’s continuing that trend, apparently.
10:00: Adios, Aaron! We’ll miss you. Ish. Hopefully Big Mike follows next week, then Casey, and then we get the Crystal-Lee finale that’s been preordained for a while now. See you next week!