8:53: Good evening, b-rollers! How was everyone’s Wednesday? I’m currently watching the last five minutes of Minute to Win It as some woman plays a bizarro beer-pong game for a quarter million dollars. This show makes me depressed for the current state of television, I’ve gotta say. Back in 7 minutes with Idol results!
9:00: Apparently we’re back to the whole Idol-behind-the-scenes gimmick. Interesting. Did they really think that was what we were missing out of the whole experience? “Well, they haven’t seen the control room yet…”
9:01: I’m always discombobulated when Ryan comes down a different staircase. Stick to the shiny light-up one, Seacrest.
9:02: Whoa, lots of performers this evening! Theory in Casa b-roll: They pre-taped all of these people for Idol Gives Back and ran out of time last week. Since we just dove into a Rascall Flatts song, that seems likely, no?
9:03: I have to say – I’m not the world’s biggest Rascall Flatts fan (yes, I liked “Bless the Broken Road,” and that’s about it), but if their presence means no group medley of Shania Twain’s greatest hits (?), then they have my everlasting gratitude.
9:05: You know how the judges always criticize contestants who sing too nasally? In a related story, the lead singer of Rascall Flatts has made a career out of it. So not always bad, apparently.
9:06: Wait, Rascall Flatts and Shakira? Seriously? Maybe this will be a Bing Crosby-meets-David Bowie, so-bizarre-it’s-brilliant pairing. Stop laughing, it could happen.
9:07: I’ve made it seven minutes without mentioning Kara’s ridiculous (and – color me stunned – shiny) earrings. Progress, b-rollers. Progress.
9:08: Has anyone bought Avatar and watched it on a small screen? Does it hold up? I’m betting no, but that’s just me. Then again, I would’ve cut about 40 minutes of blue people leaping from that film, so I’m not among its biggest supporters.
9:10: Really, we’re going to feed the vampire craze? I know that Casey looks like Edward Cullen a little – shut up, I know it’s ridiculous that I know that – but I don’t feel like they had to turn this into Twilight: Yet Again.
9:13: This Shrek piece is unintentionally hilarious.
9:14: Did the contestants laughing strike anyone else as fake? That would make sense, considering none of the jokes seemed that funny.
9:15: Either Cameron Diaz is an Amazon, or Ryan isn’t even the 5’8 we were generously allotting him last night. Thoughts, b-rollers?
9:17: I appreciate Siobhan’s individuality, but I have to say: I’m not at all a fan of her sartorial choices.
9:18: Jen’s reaction to Aaron: “He looks like he’s ready to barf.” Yes, yes he does.
9:19: Since Mike, Siobhan and Aaron were my bottom three last night, I can’t complain that one of them is definitely in the bottom.
9:20: Ryan just asked how he “made the song your own, Lee”, which I translated to, “made the song his only what?” Been a long day, b-rollers.
9:22: Love Crystal modestly saying, “I don’t think so” when asked if she’s ever been in the bottom three. Um, yeah. She damn well knows, though it was thoughtful of her to pretend otherwise.
9:23: So, yeah. That was a weird way to present the bottom three. And way to fake out Siobhan, Ryan – “Walk to the couches, but not quite because you’re in the bottom three and might be going home! FOOLED YOU!”
9:24: I don’t know why Casey is in the bottom – he was excellent last night, but apparently the mothers of America were speed-dialing for Aaron. But I approve of Mike and Siobhan. I’d be fine with either of them going home tonight.
9:27: Next week is Sinatra week! Excellent choice. He is quite worthy of a theme week.
9:28: Carrie Underwood thoughtfully introduces Sons of Sylvia while wearing a dress borrowed from Kara. What’s with all the sparkle this year? I know I’m not a fixture at Fashion Week or anything, but when did that become a trend?
9:29: The guitarist (electric ukelele player?) for Sons of Sylvia looks semi-conscious. That is more entertaining to me than this song.
9:30: Hey, you know how there aren’t any singing violinists? That’s because you can’t play a violin and sing at the same time. Unless you’re the Sons of Sylvia lead singer and you sing heartily while passing a bow over a violin occasionally as if you’re only mildly interested in producing a sound from it. First Rihanna, now this due – musical instruments are not props, people!
9:32: Casa b-roll judgment: “That was pointless.” Bring on the results, Ry.
9:33: I love this Kodak commercial not just because the baby is adorable – it is – but also because I respect them for using a baby that appears to be an actual newborn, as opposed to trying to trick us into thinking a 5 month-old is a newborn like every other television show or movie in the history of ever. I always find that distracting, like no freaking way that baby was born six minutes ago.
9:35: Ryan, you’re already responsible for bringing the Kardashians into our lives (he produces their reality show, did you know that?). Please don’t make it worse by referencing them more than is necessary. And by that, I mean EVER.
9:37: In spite of myself, I kind of like the lead singer of Lady Antebellum’s outfit (the lady, although the all-black look is working for the blond dude who is apparently Josh Kelley’s brother – thanks to Jen for the trivia!). It’s kind of swoopy and bat-like. I would never wear a gauzy top that is vaguely reminiscent of a cape, but it works for her.
9:39: Another piece of trivia from Jen (who probably gleaned it from CMT): the two lead singers of Lady Antebellum met at the University of Georgia where they studied finance. So they’re apparently well qualified to manage their record profits. That’s nice.
9:44: And we’re back with the “how in the hell will this go” matchup of Shakira and Rascall Flatts.
9:45: Yup, when I think Shakira, I think banjo and harmonica.
9:46: I know that Shakira usually has backup dancers, but country musicians don’t. The ladies sashaying onstage looked distinctly more “interpretive dance” than “pop backup dancers.”
9:47: So when they said a duet between Shakira and Rascall Flatts, did they really mean, “the new Shakira song, featuring the lead singer from Rascall Flatts wandering around with a microphone”?
9:48: Was this song shortened? Or is it 90 seconds long originally? I know most Idol performances are, but seriously.
9:49: Shakira quoting Roosevelt is exactly why I like her – she’s actually really smart and thoughtful. Just FYI.
9:50: Really, America? Big Mike is safe? Because I’m so totally over him. And Casey really deserves to be here longer than him. Sweet Lord.
9:53: And we’re back! I’m really hoping we lose Siobhan tonight. I’m ready for her to go.
9:54: And, thank God. That was due. Although Siobhan’s family looks devastated (and cut to the awkward shot of the cameraman trying to find Casey’s relieved family).
9:55: By the way, America – thank you for showing the judges that Siobhan’s performance was not in fact the vocal powerhouse that they inexplicably proclaimed it. Good call.
9:56: Wow, we have four whole minutes left! So we get a Siobhan performance of “Think.” That’s fitting. That big note is on the horizon, people. Reach for the volume keys on your remote.
9:58: I have to say that as much as I tired of the glory note, it was fitting that’s how she went out. And I would have run over to my family too if I was her. She’s going out with a lot of class (even if Ryan has to go retrieve her from the audience).
10:00: Well, after that bout of oddly-filled time (no really, hug the judges! All of them!), I’m off to see what my DVR has for me. I smell a new episode of Modern Family! Good night!