8:40: Good evening, b-rollers! There’s a new episode of Modern Family coming our way, we’re only two weeks away from the return of Glee, and hopefully Tim Urban will be waving adios to the adolescents of America. Ah, Wednesday. Back in 20 minutes with updates!
9:00: Really, Fox? A Clash of the Titans mash-up? Who thought this was a good idea?
9:01: Okay, I have to admit – the “Release the Kraken!” followed by Simon’s comments was a smidge funny. Although I hate myself for finding it amusing.
9:03: Wow, Ruben Studdard sure doesn’t get the pimp slot, huh? That’s got to be some kind of record: three minutes into a telecast and someone’s singing.
9:04: This song is boring me. Sorry, Rube. At least it’s not as bad as his atrociously-named “Sorry 2004.” Just so the time frame of his apology was clear.
9:07: Look at Ryan, trying to be cool in between Ruben and Big Mike. It’s so not working.
9:10: Anyone else find it kinda disturbing that parents can now track their kids using Verizon cell phones? I understand why they’d want to, but it just seems ever so slightly Bush-era to me.
9:12: “Hey – let’s make the Ford commercial less cheesy this week!” “Okay. I know – we’ll set it to ‘Kung Fu Fighting!'” Dear God.
9:15: Let’s put Mama Garcia on the panel. Anyone against this? I mean, she can’t be worse than Randy.
9:16: Sam Worthington looks as interested with this Idol spot as he did at the Oscars. That is, not at all.
9:18: These contestant interviews are the reasons why this show should be a half hour long. Oof.
9:19: See, that last comment was before the “Aaron, have you ever been in love? Simon, you’re in love!” conversation. Three solid minutes of life that none of us will ever get back, ladies and gentlemen. That was The Office-level cringeworthy.
9:23: And Katie’s father is doing shots right about now.
9:24: “Ryan, you are really getting on my nerves tonight.” Amen, Simon. What is he smoking this week?
9:25: At this nearly-halfway commercial break, allow me to take a moment to share my favorite news story of the day: Matt Damon will be guest-starring on 30 Rock. Hell yeah, I said news. This will be EPIC.
9:28: For a study in contrast: Next week the contestants will be singing Lennon-McCartney songs. This week, we’re interviewing top-seller Justin Bieber.
9:30: Remember how last night Usher said he wanted his album to have meaningful lyrics? In a related story, he just sang the words “boobies like wow, wow, wow.” SERIOUSLY.
9:33: Full disclosure: This is not my favorite type of music. But that was pretty bad, no? My roommate just hopefully said, “Maybe he was sick.” Yup, maybe.
9:34: If you think Death at a Funeral looks funny, please go ahead and rent the original. It’s only a few years old and it’s hilarious. I remain bewildered that a studio thought it was crying for a remake.
9:37: Didi looks like Katie did ten minutes ago: murderous and ready to vomit.
9:38: Didi’s in the bottom three. That’s sad, but fair. She needs to get back to basics next week.
9:40: Well played, Big Mike. That’s what you get for messing around, Ry!
9:41: Oh for God’s sake, just send Tim home so he can go sign his Disney contract. And even though I’m not his biggest fan, there’s no need to talk to him like he’s an infant, Kara.
9:43: If Tim is the lowest vote-getter, I don’t think that Simon will be able to say “We’re not saving you!!!” fast enough.
9:49: Is “Diddy Dirty Money” the same as Diddy aka P.Diddy aka Puffy aka Puff Daddy? Oh, it is? Phew. That was almost confusing.
9:51: And cue seizures in 3…2…1…
9:52: Thank you, Diddy, but I will not “make some noise.” I’m too busy rubbing my eyes and groping blindly for my computer keyboard.
9:54: Dear Easter Bunny: If you bring me a copy of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeaquel in my Easter basket, I will switch to Passover. Just FYI.
9:57: Seriously, America? I remain insistent that teenage girls should not be allowed to vote for this.
9:58: I really like Didi. But what if the judges save her and Lee or (God forbid) Crystal is voted off? I’m conflicted.
9:59: Why are the judges giggling? Really, guys?
10:00: That was lovely. Judges?
10:01: I think the “Save her!” chant was just pent-up aggression that Tim and Katie are still there. At least, my chant was.
10:02: Well, sorry to see you go, Didi. You have a great voice and you taught the judges who Ingrid Michaelson was, so well done. Stay strong!
Well, that was sad. Now we have to hear Tim assail the Lennon-McCartney songbook (if he sings “Let it Be,” so help me God…), and Didi could’ve done a great job with some of those classics. Oh, well. C’est la vie. See you next week!