8:42: T-minus 18 minutes until the Idol results show! Thank God these are only an hour long. Here’s hoping that America sends the right person home – ahem, Paige – and that the mighty combination of Miley and the Jonas Brothers don’t cause my ears to bleed. See you in 18 minutes!
8:59: I geared up for the show by watching the last ten minutes of America’s Next Top Model. After watching Tyra and Andre Leon Talley, I have about 42% more respect for the Idol judging panel. And if anyone was else saw this evening’s ANTM – what the HELL was Tyra wearing?! It looked like a flesh-colored Star Trek jumpsuit. God almighty.
9:00: Tonight’s Idol is brought to you by iMovie! Seriously – is the graphics budget tapped, guys?
9:01: Ryan comes in sans stairs! Mark the time and date!
9:02: Is there a cheering woman with a bloody nose? Or am I just seeing things? Why did the camera show her TWICE?
9:03: Oh dear God. The group routines are back. Oh, this is bad.
9:06: Is it over? Sorry, I momentarily blacked out. You know how some people block out traumatic memories? Yeah, it was like that.
9:08: You know what would be awesome? If Idol didn’t show the exact same commercials every freaking night. H&R Block, New Moon, pillow-headed Vitamin Water guy – check, got it, moving on…
9:09: Amendment: Glee commercials are exempt from previous comment. Bring ’em on, Fox.
9:10: Oh good, the Ford commercial. Let’s just get all of the soul-crushing moments out of the way early. Although creating a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit in a Ford commercial was a nice nod to the fact that all of this evening’s guest performers are too young to drive.
9:12: Thanks, Casey. That was a fun story.
9:13: Oh, the bloody-nosed woman is a fake zombie friend of Siobhan. That…nope, it still makes no sense. Despite the explanation.
9:14: After seeing The Blind Side, does anyone else feel uncomfortable calling the singer “Big Mike”? I feel like we should call him Michael. Just like Sandra Bullock.
9:15: You know, Michael (see?) isn’t the only one with a child. Unfair advantage alert!
9:16: I vacillate between “Siobhan’s such a free spirit, good for her” and “Not so much with the talking for you, sweetie.” Leaning towards the latter this evening.
9:18: If this is a psych out and Casey and Lee are in the bottom, I will be TICKED. OFF.
9:19: For Randy to describe someone else as “not good” while wearing a traffic cone-colored gradient sweater is rather disarming. Pot, kettle…
9:20: Um, Ryan? Lee and Casey are still standing, after you swiftly ushered Paige and Tim to the stools of doom and threw to commercial. Wha? The descriptive word I’m thinking of for this moment begins with “cluster”…
9:21: Ooh, a Jon Hamm voiceover! I suppose that’ll have to do until Mad Men comes back.
9:24: Next week is R&B/Soul? I can see some potential train wrecks in the offing.
9:25: Dear Miley: Congratulations on playing the piano and singing live. But…
9:26: “Miley? First of all, you look really great tonight.” Sorry, I’m having a Paula moment to avoid being snarky about the vocals.
9:27: So, when Miley whipped out of the television frame in an emotional performance spasm, who else initially thought that she tripped and fell over? Show of hands!
9:29: I’m still disconcerted by the fact that Miley sounds like a middle-aged chain smoker.
9:32: Aww, look at the studio trying to make it seem like The Bounty Hunter was well-received by critics. How cute and deluded.
9:34: Apparently Lee and Casey are safe. Not that we knew that from the previous segment. Well done. Who fills the last Bottom 3 spot – Katie? Andrew?
9:36: Didi has a point, although this comes off as slightly shrill. I’m not sure “better song choice” is the advice she was searching for, though.
9:39: Crystal is having a Stevie Nicks moment style-wise tonight, right? And THAT’s how you do Ryan-babble banter.
9:40: Right on – Katie and Andrew! Either way, America can’t go wrong tonight.
9:42: Why does Ryan always send one person back, and it’s always the one who was just sent over to the Bottom 3? It seems so damn pointless.
9:43: Greg Kinnear, I just don’t have words for my disappointment.
9:44: Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato next and OMG, YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE DATING?!?!!!
9:47: Wow, Kara’s dress is seriously gold. I’d like to thank the Academy…
9:48: Every guest vocalist on the stage tonight would’ve gotten “Paige singing Against All Odds“-level criticism from the judges. Oh, if only…
9:49: Thank God this song was so short, although I’m pretty sure it was long enough to send my music teacher Dad into fits of hysterical sobbing. I’ll have to call him during the commercial break.
9:50: Congrats to Joe Jonas for having the opportunity to relive his remarkable guest judging performance. Oh, wait, he was totally useless? My bad.
9:52: Wow, PC’s new taskbar looks EXACTLY like the one Mac’s had for the past few years. Coincidence? I’m guessing no.
9:54: And…Paige is going home. The word “duh” comes screaming to mind. Tim was boring; Paige was painfully awful.
9:55: Nice of Simon to be brutally honest. And I do mean brutally. Holy wow. You “had” a great voice? Oof.
9:56: And Ryan attempts to awkwardly kill time at the news that Paige won’t be saved. This is almost more entertaining than Page’s encore will be.
9:58: Well, this is more tuneful than last night’s performance. But then, so are most car alarms.
10:00: Well, goodbye Paige. I’m sorry that we never quite got to see why the hell the judges loved you so much.
I’m off to watch this evening’s Modern Family episode. Ah, bliss. See you back here next week!