Happy Tuesday! Are we all excited about American Idol this evening? I am not. You see, Miley Cyrus will be the guest mentor for this evening’s program, based around the theme of “Billboard No. 1 Hits.” I greeted this news by closing my eyes, pressing my fingers to my temples, and asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I know that as a 28-year old woman, I am twice the age of Miley’s demographic, but let’s be serious: Girlfriend cannot sing. Every year or so she releases a pop album in which she bleats songs with such soulful phrases as “movin’ my hips like yeah.” And let’s not even start on her live performances; frankly, I’ll never understand how the sight of a scantily-clad teenager swinging on a stripper pole while performing at an awards show didn’t result in a huge cultural “Come to Jesus” moment. But absolutely, she should be mentoring people like Crystal Bowersox and Siobhan Magnus. That’s a spectacular idea.

I realize that I’m being exceptionally critical of a child whose parents dressed her inappropriately and heaved her into the spotlight. I don’t blame her; honestly, I’m angrier at the Idol decisionmakers who thought this was a good idea. Guys, I think that we should start seeing other people. Because if I have to witness a Top 11 group routine set to “Party in the USA,” I refuse be held responsible for my actions.

So I shall live-blog tonight’s performance show with a rapidly-sinking heart. Here’s hoping that the contestants choose good songs, that Miley’s “advice” is minimal, and that the whole affair doesn’t drive me to the Casa b-roll liquor cabinet. See you at 8.