8:40: Good evening, b-rollers! There’s a new episode of Modern Family coming our way, we’re only two weeks away from the return of Glee, and hopefully Tim Urban will be waving adios to the adolescents of America. Ah, Wednesday. Back in 20 minutes with updates!
9:00: Really, Fox? A Clash of the Titans mash-up? Who thought this was a good idea?
9:01: Okay, I have to admit – the “Release the Kraken!” followed by Simon’s comments was a smidge funny. Although I hate myself for finding it amusing.
9:03: Wow, Ruben Studdard sure doesn’t get the pimp slot, huh? That’s got to be some kind of record: three minutes into a telecast and someone’s singing.
9:04: This song is boring me. Sorry, Rube. At least it’s not as bad as his atrociously-named “Sorry 2004.” Just so the time frame of his apology was clear.
9:07: Look at Ryan, trying to be cool in between Ruben and Big Mike. It’s so not working.
9:10: Anyone else find it kinda disturbing that parents can now track their kids using Verizon cell phones? I understand why they’d want to, but it just seems ever so slightly Bush-era to me.
9:12: “Hey – let’s make the Ford commercial less cheesy this week!” “Okay. I know – we’ll set it to ‘Kung Fu Fighting!'” Dear God.
9:15: Let’s put Mama Garcia on the panel. Anyone against this? I mean, she can’t be worse than Randy.
9:16: Sam Worthington looks as interested with this Idol spot as he did at the Oscars. That is, not at all.
9:18: These contestant interviews are the reasons why this show should be a half hour long. Oof.
9:19: See, that last comment was before the “Aaron, have you ever been in love? Simon, you’re in love!” conversation. Three solid minutes of life that none of us will ever get back, ladies and gentlemen. That was The Office-level cringeworthy.
9:23: And Katie’s father is doing shots right about now.
9:24: “Ryan, you are really getting on my nerves tonight.” Amen, Simon. What is he smoking this week?
9:25: At this nearly-halfway commercial break, allow me to take a moment to share my favorite news story of the day: Matt Damon will be guest-starring on 30 Rock. Hell yeah, I said news. This will be EPIC.