Idol Live Blog – Top 10 Results Show

8:40: Good evening, b-rollers! There’s a new episode of Modern Family coming our way, we’re only two weeks away from the return of Glee, and hopefully Tim Urban will be waving adios to the adolescents of America. Ah, Wednesday. Back in 20 minutes with updates!

9:00: Really, Fox? A Clash of the Titans mash-up? Who thought this was a good idea?

9:01: Okay, I have to admit – the “Release the Kraken!” followed by Simon’s comments was a smidge funny. Although I hate myself for finding it amusing.

9:03: Wow, Ruben Studdard sure doesn’t get the pimp slot, huh? That’s got to be some kind of record: three minutes into a telecast and someone’s singing.

9:04: This song is boring me. Sorry, Rube. At least it’s not as bad as his atrociously-named “Sorry 2004.” Just so the time frame of his apology was clear.

9:07: Look at Ryan, trying to be cool in between Ruben and Big Mike. It’s so not working.

9:10: Anyone else find it kinda disturbing that parents can now track their kids using Verizon cell phones? I understand why they’d want to, but it just seems ever so slightly Bush-era to me.

9:12: “Hey – let’s make the Ford commercial less cheesy this week!” “Okay. I know – we’ll set it to ‘Kung Fu Fighting!'” Dear God.

9:15: Let’s put Mama Garcia on the panel. Anyone against this? I mean, she can’t be worse than Randy.

9:16: Sam Worthington looks as interested with this Idol spot as he did at the Oscars. That is, not at all.

9:18: These contestant interviews are the reasons why this show should be a half hour long. Oof.

9:19: See, that last comment was before the “Aaron, have you ever been in love? Simon, you’re in love!” conversation. Three solid minutes of life that none of us will ever get back, ladies and gentlemen. That was The Office-level cringeworthy.

9:23: And Katie’s father is doing shots right about now.

9:24: “Ryan, you are really getting on my nerves tonight.” Amen, Simon. What is he smoking this week?

9:25: At this nearly-halfway commercial break, allow me to take a moment to share my favorite news story of the day: Matt Damon will be guest-starring on 30 Rock. Hell yeah, I said news. This will be EPIC.



Idol Live Blog – Rhythm & Blues

7:51: Happy Tuesday, faithful readers! We’re 9 minutes away from our Top 10 performance show. Who’s excited? Or who’s cautiously optimistic? Who’s drinking? Back soon.

7:53: Tonight’s pre-Idol viewing is the last few minutes of Access Hollywood. Their topics: Heidi and Spencer are being melodramatic! (Duh). Kate Gosselin is causing trouble on Dancing With the Stars! (Double duh). Ricky Martin came out! (SERIOUSLY FREAKING DUH). What ever would we do without Billy Bush in our lives?

7:57: So – any predictions for this evening? Who do you expect to wipe out? I worry for Andrew Garcia and Tim Urban. Their aesthetics do not scream R&B to me, no?

8:00: Wow, that was semi-dramatic. I’m talking about the judges’ kissing session. Just to be clear.

8:02: Fall, Ryan! FALL!!!! Damn.

8:03: Hey, a cluster-eff of sound! That’s a lovely metaphor for the season.

8:04: It’s “low-cut sweetheart neckline night” tonight, apparently. Are you impressed that I knew that phrase? Seven solid seasons without missing an episode of Project Runway, my friends. Tim Gunn, represent!

8:05: I have no interesting comments to make about Usher. He’s very talented. And apparently will be mercilessly pimping his new album this evening.

8:08: Siobhan says “wicked”! Go, New England homegirl!

8:09: “What separates Siobhan from the rest of the pack is her very unique vocal ability.” Okay then.

8:10: This arrangement is very elevator-ish, or maybe ’80s soft rock. And there are some VERY rough notes here. Yeesh. And not to pile on, but is she wearing ski boots?

8:12: Why is there a pink elephant on Randy’s sweater? The multicolor argyle is enough going on, no?


Adventures in Procrastination

Okay, I know. Nothing (really) since Thursday. I know. I suck.

See, this weekend snuck past me before I knew what was happening. There were errands, and cleaning (my room is about 62% de-cluttered), and napping, and I saw a movie (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – if you liked the book, you’ll really like the movie; and if you haven’t read the book, you’ll like the movie anyway, and for God’s sake go and read the book). And, yeah. Here we are.

I also got drawn into that time-honored, bad-weather weekend tradition: TV marathons. You know how every cable TV channel shows something – anything – on a loop for twelve hours, and you sit down and think “eh, what the hell, I’ll watch an episode” and suddenly six hours have passed? That’s usually my Saturday. I have the best intentions of productivity, but I’m a connoisseur of television and laziness. I might as well schedule a multi-hour bloc into my BlackBerry calendar with “Crap, I got sucked into (insert TV show here).” The weekend usually ends with me forlornly contemplating the remnants of my mental to-do list.

Here’s the weird thing: the TV marathons in question aren’t shows that I watch otherwise. I don’t watch new episodes of Law and Order: SVU, just the reruns that air – constantly – on cable. I almost forget that show exists in anything other than eight-hour increments.

And as I mentioned on Saturday, I managed to watch four – count ’em – episodes of the true crime reality show Forensic Files. While I wouldn’t put TruTV on my list of must-see television, I somehow watch in bulk, and I always feel like a warped human being for spending several hours invested in real-life murders and their aftermath. And this marathon viewing has consequences: about a year ago, after devoting a full weekend to Forensic Files and The Investigators, there was an unfamiliar man knocking at my apartment door. Working on the logical assumption that he was probably a serial killer, I glanced frantically around my apartment to gauge what could be used as a weapon in the event of an attack (I settled on my Guitar Hero guitar, which I figured I could wield as a club). Apparently, this man was an upstairs neighbor asking if our air conditioner was working (his wasn’t), so the guitar remained in its place. I laid off of the true crime TV for a while after that.

So anyway, that’s what I was doing this weekend in lieu of blogging. Go ahead and judge me. Or, join the shame party and tell me – which TV marathons suck you in during the weekend?

The Week(end) Ahead

Happy Saturday! It’s shaping up to be an errand-full weekend – groceries, cleaning, etc. – so it’ll be light on blogging. I’m hoping to catch The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo at some point (I loved, loved, loved the book). And I can neither confirm nor deny that I am currently on my fourth consecutive episode of Forensic Files on TruTV. Anyone have a crime you need solved? I’m totally on the case.

So anyway, I’ll hope to post something entertaining for you tomorrow evening but don’t yell at me if I don’t. Deal? Have a great weekend.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Every Wednesday and Thursday morning, like a well-tuned grandfather clock, I settle in with my grande skim caramel macchiato and read Michael Slezak’s American Idol recap on Slezak is highly entertaining, and I always find myself thinking the same thing: God, I wish we were friends. It’s like we share a telepathic connection when it comes to Idol. Of course, these days, that common wavelength is tinged with frustration and depression, but still: I wish he was my friend, so that my “OMG, me too!” Idol moments could become our moments.

This led me to an idea. You know the common dinner party scenario (“Which historical figures would you invite…”)? Well, I decided that it would be terribly fun to create a fake dinner party in which I got to invite my favorite personalities from pop culture. Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure that a dinner party with Einstein, President Obama and Jesus would be quite fascinating. And I don’t mean to sound shallow; I was just thinking of people that I would like to chat amiably with, rather than stare at in awed silence.

So, here’s my scenario: Dinner for me and  fifteen guests (up from ten, because I couldn’t stop myself), featuring pop culture people with whom I wish I were buddies. In my dream world, I have lunch with each of these people frequently, but I’ve invited us all together to revel in our collective marvelousness.


Idol Live Blog: Top 11 Results

8:42: T-minus 18 minutes until the Idol results show! Thank God these are only an hour long. Here’s hoping that America sends the right person home – ahem, Paige – and that the mighty combination of Miley and the Jonas Brothers don’t cause my ears to bleed. See you in 18 minutes!

8:59: I geared up for the show by watching the last ten minutes of America’s Next Top Model. After watching Tyra and Andre Leon Talley, I have about 42% more respect for the Idol judging panel. And if anyone was else saw this evening’s ANTM – what the HELL was Tyra wearing?! It looked like a flesh-colored Star Trek jumpsuit. God almighty.

9:00: Tonight’s Idol is brought to you by iMovie! Seriously – is the graphics budget tapped, guys?

9:01: Ryan comes in sans stairs! Mark the time and date!

9:02: Is there a cheering woman with a bloody nose? Or am I just seeing things? Why did the camera show her TWICE?

9:03: Oh dear God. The group routines are back. Oh, this is bad.

9:06: Is it over? Sorry, I momentarily blacked out. You know how some people block out traumatic memories? Yeah, it was like that.

9:08: You know what would be awesome? If Idol didn’t show the exact same commercials every freaking night. H&R Block, New Moon, pillow-headed Vitamin Water guy – check, got it, moving on…

9:09: Amendment: Glee commercials are exempt from previous comment. Bring ’em on, Fox.

9:10: Oh good, the Ford commercial. Let’s just get all of the soul-crushing moments out of the way early. Although creating a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit in a Ford commercial was a nice nod to the fact that all of this evening’s guest performers are too young to drive.

9:12: Thanks, Casey. That was a fun story.

9:13: Oh, the bloody-nosed woman is a fake zombie friend of Siobhan. That…nope, it still makes no sense. Despite the explanation.

9:14: After seeing The Blind Side, does anyone else feel uncomfortable calling the singer “Big Mike”? I feel like we should call him Michael. Just like Sandra Bullock.

9:15: You know, Michael (see?) isn’t the only one with a child. Unfair advantage alert!

9:16: I vacillate between “Siobhan’s such a free spirit, good for her” and “Not so much with the talking for you, sweetie.” Leaning towards the latter this evening.

9:18: If this is a psych out and Casey and Lee are in the bottom, I will be TICKED. OFF.

9:19: For Randy to describe someone else as “not good” while wearing a traffic cone-colored gradient sweater is rather disarming. Pot, kettle…


Idol Live Blog: The Top 11

7:50: Good evening! We’re ten minutes away from our Top 11’s vocal assault on the Billboard’s #1 hits. I am attempting to remain calm, even-tempered and open-hearted. Bring on the wit and wisdom of Hannah Montana!

7:56: The television gods have seen fit to assuage me by playing the “Hugh Dancy in a Prada tuxedo” scene from Confessions of a Shopaholic on Starz in the minutes leading up to Idol. Well played. I’m in a better mood now.

8:00: Ryan’s Big Brother intro on the huge screen was reminiscent of the Apple 1984 commercial, no? That was vaguely terrifying. “THIS….is AMERICAN IDOL!”

8:01: Who else thought that the judges’ entrance looked like The Wizard of Oz? It kinda makes sense, right? Kara has no brain and Simon has no heart. Ba-dum! Okay, that was mean. So much for open hearted.

8:05: And we see the contestants waiting for Miley Cyrus. I’m waiting for the horrified looks of “I have to be mentored by a preschooler?!”

8:07: Adam Shankman, I continue to be disappointed in you. (Shaking my head sadly).

8:08: Why is there no music yet? I’m done with the talking.

8:09: Lee singing “The Letter (Joe Cocker edition)”? Awesome choice. Knock it out, kid.

8:10: Much more showmanship than usual, but at the expense of pitchiness. Dawg. Remember when Michael Johns and Carly Smithson sang a duet of this a couple of years back? Yeah, that was better.

8:12: Simon’s a peculiar shade of red tonight, no? Or is it just because I’m watching in HD? Or were my retinas burned when Kara pulled down his shirt in the opening?

8:16: On this first commercial break, I shall give credit where it’s due: Miley was coherent and helpful in her session with Lee. If she keeps this up, I will have gained more respect for her as a person/performer. Not so much as a singer, though.

8:20: Against All Odds? Really, Paige? That’s been sung 842 times on the Idol stage.

8:21: This is downright painful. Pitchy was an understatement. Did Miley just nail it with the “watch her pitch” critique? Gulp.

8:23: “Yo, man. Yo. Wow.” Well said, Dawg. No, it was definitely dreadful. It’s okay to say it.

8:25: “It was the worst vocal, maybe of the season.” Well, that was direct, Kara. And how quickly we forget Tim Urban’s “Apologize.”

8:27: Against all odds – see what I did there! – I feel kinda badly for Paige. That was awful, but the judges did a pretty thorough job of sucking the soul right out of her. Just like dementors. Sorry, I’m re-reading the Harry Potter series. Moving on.