I’ve been an intermittent Idol watcher this season, which has been a relief – without the need to live-blog or any sort of real investment, you can fast-forward through all of Steven Tyler’s incoherent haiku and the inane Ford music videos – but yet, as a longtime Idol follower, I just found the finale so…unsurprising.

I don’t just mean your new Idol champion, though that has been a mortal lock since early April; as I facetiously noted earlier this week, “cute white guitar-playing boys really struggle to win this thing.” But every element of the show had a been-there, heard-that-from-Seacrest kinda vibe. For example, when the guys of the top 12 started singing “Coming to America,” “Cracklin’ Rosie” and “Daydream Believer,” the only way that Neil Diamond wasn’t joining them for a “Sweet Caroline” singalong was if there had been a freak accident in the Idol greenroom.

And even the moments that seemed “spontaneous!” were mile-away kinda enterprises. When Ryan pointed out former contestants in the crowd, ending with the “first Idol romance” of Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo and then inviting them to join him onstage, it was patently obvious that a televised proposal was in the works. Did anyone really think that Ryan Seacrest just wanted to have an extended chat about what was new and exciting in their lives? Just saying. (Credit to Ace Young for proposing using the patented Seacrest move: “I…will drag this out…for a while…to build suspense…and retain relevance.” Also, anyone else notice that he worked the name of the jeweler into the proposal? It is the Kardashians’ world, folks. We’re all just horrified visitors.)

Frankly, the only thing that I thoroughly enjoyed was the Idol producers FINALLY taking Randy Jackson to task for his repetitive cliches by having the top 12 literally “sing the phone book.” It was a delightful little skit that ended with Ryan Seacrest presenting him with a gift-wrapped phone book and saying “Get some new material before next year!” If not for the “next year” part, I would’ve given Ryan a standing ovation from my own living room.

As for our young Phillip Phillips, well, I am anxious to hear his first album, particularly since his single “Home” is pretty damn good, if a blatant Mumford & Sons photocopy. (At least it’s better than Scotty McCreary’s anthem last year, “I Love You This Big,” which sounded like a song from some straight-to-DVD kids’ program starring Elmo in a cowboy hat.) And I hope that runner-up Jessica Sanchez not only finds some material worthy of her big voice, but figures out how to use it; when challenged by the inimitable Jennifer Holliday during their “And I Am Telling You” duet, she finally showed the passion of a potentially great artist. (In a related story, I am telling you that I never want to hear that song again on any reality show ever.)

What say you, b-rollers? Any Idol watchers in the audience? What did you think of the show, and your new Idol champion Phillip? And can people please finally stop abusing their children by giving them the same first name as their last name?

• I have not forgotten about The Voice, but I STILL haven’t watched the last two episodes of the year. (Yes, that busy.) So I shall recap them for you this week, and while I know this gives new meaning to the phrase “a day late and a dollar short,” our journey would feel incomplete otherwise.
• Speaking of musical journeys, what a bizarre little world American Idol has become. Our finale this week will pit a ridiculously talented teenage android (she can hit a note, but don’t ask her to register emotion) against a very limited yet adorable boy who plays the guitar. It’s quite a toss-up, since cute white guitar-playing boys really struggle to win this thing. (Although judging by this slideshow, “win” is a relative term when discussing former Idol contestants.)
• House ends tonight, and frankly, it’s time. The two hour finale will begin with a retrospective, during which the show’s creative team will surely talk about their decision to “go out on top, while the show’s still fresh” while the rest of us chuckle to ourselves. Still, we can mourn for the end of a once-awesome-but-still-enjoyable show, and an iconic character for which Hugh Laurie deserved a bazillion Emmys. And we can applaud the fact that someone was smart enough to give the gorgeous Australian doctor his own show this fall. Which I will watch. Frequently.
• Speaking of iconic characters, series two of PBS’ (BBC import) Sherlock wrapped up last night, and holy hell, is that thing good. (Did you know that House/Wilson were based on Holmes/Watson? Tis true!) CBS is rolling out their own modern Sherlock series this fall, and it has a lot to live up to.
• Smash ended last week, finishing its rocky inaugural season up by showing Katharine McPhee’s character, Karen, conquer the Marilyn Monroe musical Bombshell (which, for the record, looks way more interesting than Smash). My favorite moment of the episode – and maybe series – came when the musical’s writers sprinted through the halls of the theater with a new ending that would hopefully fix the flailing show with just five minutes to curtain; talk about a metaphor. Here’s hoping that Season 2 (with a new showrunner in place) brings more showing, less telling, no Ellis, and let’s agree never to discuss that Bollywood hallucination again.
• That “five minutes to curtain” thing is still more believable than the high school show choir that wins Nationals despite nailing their set list down two days before the competition. Accurate as ever, Glee.
• Grey’s Anatomy also concluded last week, with another plane crash that claimed the life of one of our beloved doctors (and maybe more, they’re still shivering in the woods somewhere). Okay, I watch this show every week and am incredibly invested, but did you note the use of the word “another”? That’s right, kids, there have now been two plane crashes in Seattle on Shonda Rhimes’ watch, and we haven’t even discussed the accidents involving ferries, cars, trains, buses, sinkholes, lions and deranged gunmen. The series finale will someday conclude with the Rapture, yes?
• Community will go on (yay!) without the distinctive, warped stylings of series creator Dan Harmon (nay!). Leave it to NBC to follow up one good “let’s axe the showrunner and hope things improve” decision (Smash) with a terrible one (Community).

So – what are YOU watching?

Onward to the singers! Thank you, God.

Our first singer is Jamar Rogers, who will take on “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi. Lest you think “Oh, that Cee Lo, picking an ’80s Bon Jovi song,” this is from Bon Jovi’s recent oeuvre, but don’t think Cee Lo wouldn’t have snapped up “Living on a Prayer” if it hadn’t already been performed, particularly since Jamar and Cee Lo are tying this performance – really, really subtly – to Jamar’s well-documented health and addiction battles. Even though they basically give away the arrangement in the extensive rehearsal footage – it will be a slowed-down, power-ballad version of this pulsing stadium rock song – Jamar still owns it, though I find the performance drags a bit until it hits the soaring chorus. However, Jamar is the frontrunner for a reason, and no judge will challenge that; Cee Lo even goes into an extended poetry jam on inspiration and dedication before offering to die with Jamar, which may be a touch over the top, methinks.

Next, we get our first Christina Milian social media lounge thing interlude; since we are whittling down our contestants, we get more and more of these per episode, and in terms of entertainment value, they’re only slightly better than Cee Lo’s flatulence. On the upside, we can see that not only is James Massone intent on wearing that damn headband again, but he’s added a bit of Mad Men flavor with a Peggy Olsen hair flip. No wonder he makes the girls go wild.

Our next contestant is Katrina Parker, who has hopefully forgone her Adele-lite styling this week. She’s chosen “Jar of Hearts,” by Christina Perri, which she performs in the midst of a giant lit-up heart, so again, the Voice producers are just killing it with the subtlety. Her whispery, jazzy tone is perfect for the song, and she takes some nice liberties from the original version, making it her own with a nice, emotional rasp. Though she punts a bit on the big note at the end, it’s an excellent performance, and her mentor Adam looks delighted. Blake calls the performance her breakout, and I thoroughly agree.

When we return from the ad break, Carson is dressed like an American Bandstand host. Is this an obligatory (and well deserved) Dick Clark tribute? No, it’s just an intro to Cee Lo’s team singing “Dancing in the Streets” (which they also sang as a group number on Idol last week, but whatever). Cee Lo is wearing a pageboy wig and some “groovy, baby” pajamas – it’s as interesting but much less trashy than Christina Aguilera’s group performance get-up last week, frankly – and it’s a lot of fun. Not shockingly, James is the weak link in the contestant solos. His appeal continues to elude me.

Our next contestant for Team Adam is Mathai, who I’ve finally come around to, so watch her screw this right up. And she does! It’s not entirely her fault; Adam is convinced that she will slay Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird,” and if by “slay” he means “slaughter the higher sections of the song in a serious of off-key bleats,” then he is correct. Also, there is a Cirque du Soleil acrobat swinging through the rafters like – you guessed it – a bird! (Honestly, producers.) Mathai is clearly having a great time, even if I’m not; she prances around the stage with admittedly impressive abandon, and her “infectious energy” means that the performance gets sincerely overpraised by the judges, who criticize not the performance but the distraction of the swinging “Captain America” (Blake’s words). How much are they getting paid, again?

Also, Christina Millian tells us Mathai is trending on Twitter (awesome, that’s so interesting), then turns “roommate” into a verb. I’m not saying that I could do her job better, but maybe no one has to do it at all. We can check Twitter ourselves, right?

Let’s move onto our little buddy James, who needs to be removed from Cee Lo’s influence before he goes full Liberace with these customized varsity jackets (this week’s: silver sequins and studs. Really.). James is also impressed with himself for his last performance, and take it from me, James: You shouldn’t be. He will desecrate sing Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are,” carrying on that current trend of cute boy pop singers/bands singing songs about how their tween girlfriends are amazing and should never change, in a very idealized, Edward-in-Twilight kinda way. (Young girls of America: Lower your expectations.) Lord, but Cee Lo is trying to make us believe that “James is a ladies man!” is a real thing. Although the song is perfect for James’ tinny voice and his pitch is pretty steady, there’s no dynamism or energy to the performance. And the judges finally call him on that! That’s exciting, I was waiting for some real live criticism to make an appearance. Well done, millionaires!

Our next batch of filler: Cee Lo Green’s old hip hop crew Goodie Mob has reunited to sing a new song called “Fight to Win.” They are all dressed in gold lame warrior outfits with capes, and Cee Lo’s teeth are actually, vibrantly glowing, which I have been waiting for since I was first blinded by them in the audition rounds. The song is not very good, in a “Maybe I’ll use this time to get up-to-date on my Words With Friends matches” kind of way.

And now, a quick segue right to Tony Lucca, whose song choice is apparently top secret, but, Adam says, “might just be crazy enough to work.” We’ll be the judge of that, friend. When the music starts, we find out that it’s a rock/funk version of fellow Mouseketeer Britney Spears’ “…Baby One More Time”; it’s faster and edgier than the Fountains of Wayne rock cover (lest you think this concept is completely original), and I kinda dig it. Sure, Tony’s not as vocally dextrous as Juliet or Jamar or even Katrina, but I would actually download this version, particularly since the mp3 wouldn’t have the terrifying hooded backup dancers who look like the result of a Project Runway KKK challenge. (Don’t make it work. Just don’t.). The applause is thunderous, and while Christina still (fairly) seems underwhelmed, I think Tony’s gamble paid off.

Next up is Cheesa, who says that she has “come to play” ever since the elimination show (in this context, “come to play” means “oversing like crazy.”). Cee Lo has already crowned her the next great power vocalist, which tells us that not only is he prone to hyperbole, but he’s also not watching this season of American Idol. (Jessica Sanchez, dude. Google it.) In a “Why God” moment, Cheesa will sing Whitney Houston’s “I have Nothing,” which should be retired from the universe; who has the power to make this call, besides God? Simon Cowell? Anyway, the staging indicates that Whitney is singing this directly from heaven – I don’t mean to be blasphemous, but Cheesa is in silhouette backlit by every white light that’s ever been manufactured -  and Cheesa does a very respectable job, diva-ing it up right down to the plaintive outstretched arms (TM, Celine Dion). Her pitch wobbles as she hits the key change, but of course no one mentions this; they all think she’s Whitney Junior. One benefit of this line of judging, though, is that Cee Lo mentions that he wants stronger, powerful female vocalists on the scene rather than just the “auto tuned fairy princess” pop singers, and I actually find myself saying “PREACH!” aloud to the man who just publicly donned a pageboy wig. I can’t believe that just happened.

Anyway, let’s move on to our old buddy Pip, who has learned his lesson about singing British rock anthems and will do the Keane song “Somewhere Only We Know” this week! Oh no, wait, that’s the exact opposite of what he should do. His bad. Adam counsels him to “hit the notes” rather than riffing (which is both hilarious and misguided, since someone who goes by Pip and wears bowties probably hasn’t embraced the “less is more, just sing well” philosophy in life). And Pip starts okay – though the rotating piano/camera combo is making me slightly nauseous – before he can’t help himself and tries to riff, and the song goes completely to hell. Pip, darling, they have actually made a Broadway show out of Newsies.That is your destiny; rock god-dom is not.

Before we get to the Team Adam performance, Christina Milian haltingly tells us that Cheesa is trending on Twitter. She probably tells us this because she needs something to say, but for the record, I am on Twitter and Cheesa is not trending. So not only is Christina Milian unnecessary, she’s factually incorrect. This was a great idea.

Team Adam time! They’re doing the John Lennon classic “Instant Karma” with Adam at the drums, Pip at the keyboard, Tony on guitar and Katrina and Mathai out front. It’s oh-so-very Partridge Family. It’s not terribly interesting, but does allow me to contemplate the following: If we were to rank our “mentor performs with his/her team” collaborations from least to most narcissistic, it would go Adam Levine (not singing at all, just doing his best Animal impression at the drumset while his contestants take the lead), Blake Shelton (cool, laid back, harmonizing on the chorus but not taking a solo for himself), Cee Lo Green (dead center stage in all his glory, but giving his contestants prime cuts), and then Christina Aguilera (only judge to sing her own song, treating her contestants as backup dancers and marooning them in the far corners of the studio). And if you’d asked me to rank them before the performances…yup, that’s exactly the way it would’ve gone.

ANYWAY. Our final pre-elimination singer will be rocker Juliet Simms, who is now honey blonde and 17% less edgy because of it. She will be singing Aerosmith’s “Crying,” which is probably Cee Lo’s way of saying “ha!” to all of us mockers about his ’80s nostalgia, because this song was released in 1993. Take that! Anyway, Juliet takes the stage in a huge set of black angel wings – I don’t know either, but they look exactly like the fallen angels in Dogma, which is distracting – and her performance is edgy and fun and completely all over the place. It’s still pretty good, since Juliet is that far above most of the other contestants and “all over the place” is kind of a staple of rock ‘n roll, but it’s not nearly as strong as her “Roxanne” cover. Also, feathers fall from the ceiling; not quite the “flying acrobat” in terms of WTF moments, but it’s up there. The judges love it unequivocally. Blake talks about duck hunting and Cee Lo calls her a “red corvette,” so clearly we’re nearly at the end of the show and the meds are wearing off.

Finally we’ve reached the eliminations! Cee Lo is up first, and on behalf of the world, please send James home. But before we get to that, Cee Lo has written some thoughts that he will read from his BlackBerry. No, really. It’s a kind of incomprehensible poetry mad lib read from a BlackBerry (made all the more hilarious when he ends with, “I hope that sums up how I feel.” Sure, okay.). After ninety uninterrupted seconds of Christina Aguilera Memorial Babbling, Cee Lo sends our headbanded Boston mechanic home. Ladies of Boston, he’s all yours. Thank you for taking him off of our hands.

Next is Adam, and if he sends anyone but Pip home, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND. Do the right thing, man. Adam also babbles for a while – I know this must be tough, but as I watch the clock inch towards 9:59, I wait for Carson to leap into the frame, bodyslam Adam and demand a decision – and finally, it’s Pip. That’s exactly right.

And now, to vote! I will not vote, but I may download a few songs, which is apparently a way you can vote. (Also, Starbucks is somehow involved in voting, and if that is true, I have inadvertently voted for this show approximately 9,582 times.) Goodnight!

But first: A quick apology for skipping last week’s results show recap. It is a terribly busy month in the life of b-roll, and that got lost in the shuffle, so mea culpa, folks. On the upside, singer/model/obnoxiously oblivious contestant Erin Martin was voted out last week! Nice job, AMERICA. I knew you had it in you.

Anyway, we begin tonight with more of those swooping wide shots that make me think that The Voice technical team got some cranes and ziplines and decided to have some fun at our expense. Carson Daly – who should either visit Ryan Seacrest’s tailor or button his dang suit jacket – welcomes us to the live quarterfinals (part 1), in which Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton’s remaining contestants will sing live for us, and in a a twist, the mentors will eliminate one of the contestants at the end of tonight’s show. (SUDDEN DEATH! But kinda not really.) But Carson reminds us that for those who remain, our votes are crucial! He doesn’t really explain why; the ratio of AMERICA’s choice to judges’ whimsy is still kind of vague, and has just been shifted again.

Meanwhile, a few notes from the judges’ introductions, which are freaking endless: Adam has chosen a shirt that doesn’t button right up his windpipe, which I applaud; Cee Lo is wearing a tee shirt and mardi gras beads, so sure, okay; Christina has applied blue eyeshadow with a paintball gun; and Blake Shelton looks exactly the same as every other week. When discussing the elimination, Adam (potential control freak) eloquently states that he loves the change since the judges get to decide, Blake and Christina (for whom the situation is more immediate) think that it’s a terrible hardship, and Cee Lo is simply confused and sings a Wham! medley (fine, he doesn’t do the last part). Ladies and gentlemen, your mentors!

As we finally move into the performances, allow me to report that if tonight’s episode of The Voice were a doctoral thesis, its title would be “On the Nose: Subtlety as an Overrated Virtue.” For example, our first contestant, Blake’s young little Miranda Lambert doppleganger RaeLynn, will be singing a song called “She’s Country.” Now, I didn’t expect her to dig into a Mary J. Blige joint, but honestly? (Sighing.) Okay, fine. RaeLynn again pairs a short puffy dress with cowboy boots and struts around the stage – just a tad too seductively for a teenager, I dare say – but she whips the crowd into a frenzy and her vocals are pretty spot on – gritty, growly, on pitch. It’s a pretty impressive performance, and I have no doubt that RaeLynn will soon be performing on all of those country music awards shows that pre-empt The Good Wife once a month or so (spoiler alert: I don’t watch them). The judges adore it, of course, and there’s no way that RaeLynn doesn’t sail on through to the semi-finals, or the Final Four, or whatever the hell comes next here.

Before we get to our next contestant – because there will be a LOT of filler tonight, friends – we get an appearance from Christina Milian, who looks like she forgot to take the giant curlers out of her hair, but apparently this is an intentional look. She interviews several of the female contestants, who giggle nervously. Let’s just move on.

Our next contestant is Team Xtina member Jesse Campbell, for whom Christina has chosen Beyonce’s “Halo.” In the rehearsal footage, I note that this arrangement seems way too high for him, and we will get back to this, but not before he talks about being homeless, and his daughter sleeping on his chest when they lived in a car. (Just a news flash: If you’re a mega-talented singer who’s led a relatively uneventful life, stay away from reality television. They’re not interested.) Anyway, Jesse will be dedicating this song to her. He then walks onto the live stage, which is scattered with huge picture frames, each of which features a picture or video clip of Jesse’s daughter, and half of his performance is spent not on Jesse but in close-up on his daughter in the audience. It is so overwhelmingly manipulative that I pause the DVR to gasp in some fresh oxygen. Oh, and the vocals: The song is, in fact, too high for Jesse, and while he’s a hell of a singer, it turns into a screamathon, which ends with a zoom into a picture of Jesse and his daughter bathed in heavenly white light. I really hope this isn’t overpraised because of the heavy-handedness, but guess what? It totally is. The judges love this with the glow of a thousand halos, and Adam even calls Jesse a frontrunner, while Blake says that you’re not going to find anyone to say this wasn’t a great performance. Waving my hand in the air! Call on me, Mr. Shelton! I agree that Jesse is unbelievably talented; I’d just prefer to see a song choice that better showcases it.

Anyway, our next contestant will be Jordis Unga, who has apparently shed all of her anxiety because she survived the elimination round. She will sing Sara Evans “A Little Bit Stronger,” a quiet, pared down little number that will give us a chance to hear “Jordis the singer, not Jordis the screamer,” says Blake, who just wildly praised screaming. And I think Jordis does quite nicely at the singing; while not as tender or thoroughly felt as her “Wild Horses” performance, her voice has a nice shading. That being said, my mind wanders a bit during the performance (the main derailment of my attention: “Why is the stage set up to look like an abandoned psychiatric hospital?”), though she picks up steam and recaptures my attention towards the finale. The judges – this will surprise you – love it, although Christina has an awesome trick where she praises a performance without striking a facial expression that denotes “pleasure.” It’s a kind of regal indignation that I’d actually like to master. To the mirror!

Up next – more filler. Xtina takes her team to Starbucks – hey, big spender – to discuss philanthropy, then they visit an area high school to invite the choir to perform with her team on The Voice. (Sure.) The MVP of this reel is the choral director, who ought to win an Oscar for her “Oh my God, NO WAY!!!!” reactions even though a camera crew has been filming her choir rehearsal. Runner up is the chorus member who says, “This will be my first time on national TV!” and has clearly set herself some lofty future expectations.

And now we segue into the live performance of Xtina/Team Xtina/Philanthropic Choir brought to you by Starbucks. To begin, Christina walks out in the least amount of clothing she can wear without receiving an FCC violation. (In one funny moment, though, she sets two half-naked male backup dancers on Blake, as payback for all of his stripper references. Well played.) Anyway, she then begins to sing her hit “Fighter” and takes off a small denim shrug jacket – honestly, she somehow managed to remove half of a non-existent outfit – and performs in a Christina Aguilera concert for a good 90 seconds. Where are her team members/Starbucks chorus? Oh, there they are! Each contestant gets a six second snippet of the song, and the choir comes out at the very end. It’s a fun number, but that was basically the Christina Aguilera show. Then again, when isn’t it?

Anyway, back to reality with another Christina Milian interlude! Good God, this will be four hour episode. Let’s skip ahead.

Our next contestant is Ashley De La Rosa, who will sing “Foolish Games” with a rock edge. I like Ashley – like RaeLynn, she boasts a stage presence well beyond her years – but I wish she’d waited a bit longer to get some seasoning, because her pitch needs some work. She can belt and she can whisper, but doing both at once seem to cause some wobbles. But she’s beautiful and talented and genuinely feels every song she sings, so she’ll be fine. Someday. Maybe not quite today though. But every judge loves it! Of course they do.

And now for a special guest performance from Maroon 5! I love the use of the word “guest” when Adam Levine is on the show every freaking week, but whatever. Anyway, we get four minutes of Adam close-ups and singing, so I’m really quite okay with this.

Moving on! Erin Willet – who blew me away with her unexpected “Living for the City” two weeks ago – talks about losing her father during the competition, and again, I sympathize but we know. (We do, however, get an amazing picture of Blake Shelton with a mullet during her rehearsal footage. WORTH IT.) Erin talks about not fitting into the industry then decides to sing Adele – oh, irony – but I am immediately skeptical. We talked about this last week, correct? NO ADELE, NOT EVER. Anyway, her version of “Set Fire to the Rain” is solid but unspectacular, and is punctuated with bursts of sparks from the back of the stage. (Do the Voice producers ever ask each other, “Is this too heavy-handed?” until someone replies, “Nah, screw it!” Or do they just plow forth unquestioningly, like it’s God’s will?) Erin gets critiques like, “You sang your heart out” (which does not equate to “You sang that well”), so the first non-raves of the night. Adam reminds her to work on phrasing, which is terribly constructive! Keep doing that, please.

Meanwhile, a useful tip for contestants: On this show, people can vote by downloading the music (which is genius), and if you want me to download your song, make it memorable. Would I download Erin’s version of “Set Fire to the Rain” when I could have Adele’s? No. I would not. Consider.

Carson introduces our next singer, Lindsey Pavao, by saying that she is “learning to be fearless!” Oh, okay. Why? She announces that she’s doing a Rihanna mash-up (uh…) but switches to Katy Perry’s new song “Part of Me,” which contains some big notes that may be beyond our little Lindsey. Christina tells her that the performance needs more strength and dimensionality, which apparently translates to “a s***-ton of eyeliner and two guys holding the microphone for you.” (Lindsey goes a little overboarding on the staging, methinks.) She starts off pretty well, on pitch and everything, but her big belting notes sound like primal wails without any musicality. I like Lindsey’s quirky voice, but I wish that she’d take on songs that are a bit more in her wheelhouse; I’d buy her album, but not her Katy Perry covers, know what I mean? Cee Lo mentions that he’s never heard the song – did he skip the Grammy’s? – and then Adam seals my everlasting love by saying, and I quote directly, “I hate being the guy that says ‘pitchy,’ because that’s stupid.” Dear Adam: MARRY ME. We’ll get along fine. (It was pitchy, though.)

Next up, Christina Milian brings us back to the social media lounge – again – by saying, “We’re doing so good!” and telling contestants “You guys did incredible!” You know who is not doing good/incredible? Fans of grammar and the English language. I need a cocktail.

Our filler continues, though: Blake’s team will sing “Heartache Tonight.” Without a self-congratulatory reel or anything? Nope, we just cut straight to all of the contestants and Blake, sitting on stage fully clothed, singing away and having a ball. It’s kind of like if Glee were a CMT show; Blake even throws to Jordis with a happy, “Sing it, Jordis!” And I am bowled over that this performance is about a group of singers having fun, singing a song together and sharing the stage, with the mentor just one of the crew. If this Team Christina/Team Blake was like a Twilight Edward/Jacob situation, I would be Team Blake all the way.

Our next contestant will be Jermaine Paul, who has chosen “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. Is Cee Lo selecting the songs for Team Blake now? Jermaine will also sing for his children – who will, I’m sure, be shown in multiple close-ups throughout the performance – and says “lyrically, it just makes me think of everything.” There may be a lot going on in this one. Anyway, he begins a capalla in front of a pink/shiny/kinda tie-dyed piano (poor, spinning-in-his-grave Mr. Steinway) and basically brings Phil Collins to church. It’s actually a pretty great rendition; while a little over-the-top at times (such as when he stretches “now” into six syllables), but unlike Jesse, Jermaine never seems to lose control of the vocal. The judges love it too, although the highlight of the critiques comes when Adam starts his by saying, “When you’re married to a version…” and I hear my roommate start giggling and respond, “I know, I heard it too.” (Say it aloud, you’ll get it.)

Chris Mann’s turn! Opera man – not the Adam Sandler version – will be doing Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida,” which is kind of sweeping and, on the surface, a good choice. Chris also compares performing on The Voice to stripping onstage, which I’m not opposed to him doing. The song opens with lots of supermodel backup dancers who appear to be playing the violin (until I confirm at the end of the song that these are, in fact, props rather than real violins, I honestly think, “Sweet Jesus, you put out a casting call in LA and there’s nothing you can’t find.”). It’s fine and perfectly entertaining, but it doesn’t blow me away. Nor does it blow Adam away, who wished to see some actual opera (right, that would’ve gotten the kidz speed dialing), but his mentor Christina loved it, so of course it was perfect.

That’s it! We’re done with the performances and onto eliminations. First up is Team Christina, and I’ve gotta figure that this is between Chris and Ashley, though I’d be okay with Lindsey going home too (she’ll never cut her, she’s enamored). Christina babbles on so long that I actually yell aloud, “OH MY GOD, PICK SOMEONE!” And yet, her monologue is only half over. Dear God. Anyway, after going with her gut, and doing what’s best for her team, she lets Jesse Campbell go. Wait, what?! The guy they all love and think is going to win this? The guy who wasn’t nearly as good as they said tonight but is still crazy talented?! WHAT?!?! Even poor Jesse is shocked into near silence. (Okay, I’ll go ahead and say it: Is this because the rest of Christina’s team is all young and pretty? In terms of raw talent, Jesse was the best she had. Just saying.)

Blake’s turn! Because Christina babbled endlessly, Blake has to zip through his elimination, and he goes with America’s vote (from two weeks ago?) and sends Jordis home. It’s a pretty good rationalization – and one that Adam and Cee Lo will almost certainly use next week – but Erin was the weakest link tonight, and deserved the axe, which fell like lightning because we are out of time.

So, back tonight for more people going home! How many? Is there more singing for your life and stuff? Anyone know? Carson, any thoughts? I guess we’ll find out together! ‘Til then, b-rollers.

1. Mortals should not attempt to sing Adele’s music; or, as Adam more eloquently states, “Adele is a freak.” We all think that “Starry Night” is a masterpiece, and some may even be able to paint it by numbers, but there was only one Van Gogh.
2. Cee Lo really, really wants to host VH1′s I Love the ’80s: Volume XVI. He knows there was music made after 1988, right? He’s made some of it, that’s kind of why he’s a mentor. Maybe his contestants will be eligible to sing something from the last 20 years soon? Just wishing on a star here.
3. Adam Levine should stop trying to make “polo shirt buttoned to the tippity-top” a fashion trend.
4. Jamar Rogers will win The Voice, because that is how reality television works.

Let’s dive right in.

After some clever banter from our mentors about “being the best that you can be” (this comes from Cee Lo, who clearly doesn’t mean “sartorially”) and “not giving a crap about [Adam's and Cee Lo's] teams” (from Blake, who actually does), it’s time for a recap of the fourteen ways you can vote! Two things on this: First of all, if it takes Carson Daly ninety uninterrupted seconds to convey this information, it’s too complicated. Secondly, each voting number has “U-Love” in it like it’s an after-dark hotline.

The more you know, b-rollers.

Anyway, our first contestant this evening is office worker Katrina Parker, who has chosen the Smashing Pumpkins’ song “Tonight, Tonight.” (It is my duty to inform you that when you Google “Tonight Tonight” you get Hot Chelle Rae first. Ponder that.) In rehearsal footage, Katrina and Adam talk decisively about not copying Adele (who Katrina looks and sounds kinda like), which makes total sense – see above – until Katrina walks onstage styled exactly like Adele. She could be her blonder Madame Tussaud’s figurine. She sings the song quite well – though I’m distracted by the ranting monologue of “WHY would you talk about not wanting to be Adele…” that is playing on a continuous loop in my head – though she could use more presence, as Christina astutely (!) notes. Cee Lo calls it a “commendable effort,” thereby redefining the term “faint praise.”

Next up is Cee Lo’s first team member, the Hawaiian teenager Cheesa, for whom he has chosen Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me this Way,” and while I’m impressed that Cee Lo ventured out of the ’80s for this selection, please note that he went backwards. Cheesa talks about making the disco hit modern, but the arrangement is identical to Thelma Houston’s, and her backup dancers are flat-out Saturday Night Fever-ing it up, so when Blake later says “That was like watching Solid Gold!” he is right on the money (and apparently means that as a compliment). Cheesa’s pitch is eons better than it’s been before, and when she’s actually singing the notes correctly, her muscular, powerful tone really shines. I look forward to her next performance, for which Cee Lo will probably assign her a Debbie Gibson song.

Before we get back to the singing, Christina Milian takes us to the the Sprint Lounge, where Jamar Rogers is convening an Oprah-style lifeclass. He reaches out not to his “fans” – we are his “family,” and none of us should ever be hopeless because he’s come back from so much adversity in life. It is very earnest, but I nearly barf onto my smartphone as Christina Milian urges me to tweet.

Moving on to former Mouseketeer Tony Lucca, who has chosen “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel even though “falsetto’s never been [his] strong suit.” (Then by all means, pick a song with a ton of it for your live audition for vocal stardom.) I like his voice and presence, but I just can’t get over how much I dislike this song, which is monochromatic and trails off more than ends. I didn’t think it was bad, just kinda boring, and yet Christina tears into Tony about his lack of versatility (clearly forgetting that wispy Lindsey and can-only-sing-arias Chris are still in play for Team Xtina) in a manner so harsh that you have to wonder what secrets linger in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I didn’t hate that as much as the world did; fellow Voice watchers, what did I miss?

Next up for Team Adam is Chaka Kim Yarbrough, who wants to sing “Rolling in the Deep.” Kim tries her damndest to make the song a little more gospel-rock than Adele’s version, but just to reiterate, no one else should really sing Adele. (Hilariously, though, Cee Lo’s main critique is that the song is too modern and current for anything less than a stellar interpretation. He’s not incorrect, but since he’s saddled every one of his contestants with an oldie, it’s like looking through a semi-glazed window into his thought process.) Kim actually does a respectable job, it just buckles a bit under the weight of the expectations of the original and Kim’s crazy talent, which I hope is enough to advance her on a night of uneven performances.

Cee Lo’s next contestant, Will Hunting-lite James Massone, is being classified as a “ladies man” despite the ominpresent headband and varsity jacket (this one resembling a tuxedo, I kid you not). He’s assigned Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why” with the goal of making it more R&B than lullaby. Now, let’s talk about what goes wrong with this performance: 1) Pitch, which is sporadic at best, painful at worst/all other times. 2) “Ladies man” stage presence, in which he smiles awkwardly at the (clearly ordered to be) screaming audience members and staggers from clump to clump of teen girls. 3) PITCH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. So on a night when the judges are critiquing like overbearing stage mothers, they will rip James to shreds, correct? Of course not. They love it. Christina praises him and actually says the words, “When you do hit the notes, it’s really dope.” I’m sorry, when?! This is not baseball; 30% is not an acceptable average. I’m going to need someone to be good soon, a little sorbet for my palate. Anyone?

Rocker girl Juliet Simms, maybe? I really like her voice, so that bodes well (though she shares that she had five record deals that never stuck – FIVE. There has to be more to THAT story.). She will sing The Police’s “Roxanne,” so I don’t even need to tell you whose team she’s on, right? Right. She starts very slow and theatrically, singing a ballad-y version with more growl and grit than Sting’s, and dare I say but…I like it more than the original, which always sounded more to me like a car alarm than a hit record. (I know, blasphemy.) When it’s time for the critiques, Adam hilariously says, “Well that just pisses me right off!” and notes that it was the best live performance so far. And I’m just going to have to concur; well done, female Rod Stewart.

Next up is Team Adam member Mathai, who has convinced everyone that she’s a phenomenal talent except for me. She sings John Legend’s “Ordinary People” – yet another sleepy little song that I’ve never had a desire to add to my iPod – but actually performs it really well. Her pitch is better, her vibrato and phrasing are lovely, and since she’s standing in one place, she avoids all of those quirky little “damn, I’m cute” mannerisms. Though there are random glamour shots of Mathai on the screens behind her throughout the song – it’s truly bizarre, like the opening credits of the old Beverly Hills, 90210 - it’s my favorite performance of hers to date, and the judges agree. Congrats on finding your lane, Mathai – now please stay in it.

Cee Lo’s next contestant is Tony Vincent, the Broadway guy whose heart is really in rock ‘n roll, and yet who inexplicably decided to turn his performance of the Tears for Fears song “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” – I know, it’s a parody at this point – into a workshop staging of 1984: The Musical. (I may have seen too many Smash previews this evening.) He sings it perfectly fine, but the judges wish that he could have chosen a song that showcased his voice a little more; at this point, they could just put that line onto index cards and politely hand them to each contestant, since that’s an overarching theme.

Hey, The Today Show tomorrow will feature a cure for cellulite, so they tell us to “forget diet and exercise!” You know what, don’t. That sounds like an awful idea.

Moving on! Karla Davis of Team Adam will attempt to bring out “Bertha,” her inner belter, on her version of “Airplanes” by B.o.B. I am pleased to note that she is wearing a mini dress that is sparkly and not plaid, which is a welcome change-up. I am less pleased to note that her performance is terrible. While it’s a cool song, it’s lightning quick, and she has neither the technique nor vocal ability to pull it off, and sounds constantly out of breath (which you’d think might have come up before now). Adam tries to rationalize that the song was so much better “in the room” (ie, rehearsal), but on behalf of voters everywhere, I don’t really give a solid damn how good it was in rehearsal. That’s not unreasonable, right?

Guys, I’m flagging. This has not been a stellar evening for vocals or coherent criticism. Who’s next?

Oh dear God, it’s bouffant-ed model Erin Martin who cannot sing and is dressed like Cleopatra. Oh man, this is happening. She is singing – on a stack of Bibles, I swear – “Walk Like An Egyptian” by the Bangles. I commend Cee Lo on picking a kitschy, four-note song that allows Erin to wear a skimpy costume, which is smack in her wheelhouse, but you know what? It still stinks, because she cannot sing. Even the half-naked, Roman-styled male back-up dancers – Blake will later call them “male strippers” in this evening’s Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell Memorial Vaguely and Needlessly Homophobic Moment – cannot save it. When Christina says, “I know you want to be judged more for your voice than your looks, so I’ll be honest…” I start a slow clap. Let’s send Erin home now, AMERICA, okay? Deal.

Sidenote: When Carson is suggesting we vote for a certain contestant, why does a Riverdance-style jig play? Just a thought. Maybe I’ll tweet it to the Sprint Media Lounge.

Next is our little friend Pip, who has chosen The Killers “When You Were Young.” His mentor Adam gently reminds him that he wears a bow tie and looks ten years old, so “rock god” isn’t really his strength, but…never mind, he doesn’t say that, it’s just what I would have said to Pip. Adam allows him to take the stage and add a leather jacket to the bow tie for that slight hint of badass (unsuccessful). Pip tries, bless his heart, but his voice is just too Broadway for this; there’s no swagger or grit to his performance. But if they do a Broadway revue of Killers music – and in Smash-world, they staged a Broadway revue of Bruno Mars for some inexplicable reason, so it’s not far outside of the realm of reality – Pip’s our man.

Our final contestant this evening will be Jamar Rogers, who is following up his self-help seminar with the showcase slot. He will be singing “Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz, and unlike our dear Pip, he has the swagger and voice to actually rock it. More importantly, he manages to look like he’s having the time of his life while still giving a flawless vocal. Though the judges are correct that the lady guitarists on stilts are distracting (in the way that you are probably distracted by that mental image right now, and need a moment to process…I’ll wait…), Jamar’s is the powerhouse performance that we’ve been waiting for, and the audience goes nuts. Combined with his sweet demeanor and by-the-bootstraps backstory, he’s a mortal lock for the finals.

Up next, the results show! (For which my recap may be late, apologies). I’m ready, let’s cut some of these unimpressive youngins loose. Who ya got moving on? I’m guessing that Adam/AMERICA is sending Mathai, Katrina and Tony Lucca (and saving Kim), and Cee Lo/AMERICA keeps Jamar (duh), Juliet and Cheesa (and saves Tony Vincent, putting this stupid “James and Erin are good!” nonsense to rest). What say you, folks?

We open with several very wide shots of the studio, in which we see a clump of people at center stage lit by roving lasers and cheered on by screaming audience members. It takes us a good 45 seconds to get a close-up, so I’ll guess that these are our contestants surrounding Carson Daly, but who can be sure. Was this shot from a satellite or something? It seems unnecessarily artistic.

Anyway, Carson introduces our judges, and thankfully, Cee Lo has ditched the spandex get-up for a sharply studded red jacket that would severely injure that cat. Also, Carson explains how this evening’s results will work, and makes a not-that-complicated scenario sound like a calculus equation. For the record, of the 6 contestants (per team) who performed last night, 3 were already voted through by AMERICA, the other 3 will sing a “save me” song, and their team mentor person will keep one. Not that hard, right? Carson practically breaks out a whiteboard.

First, though, is the evening’s “filler.” Gym Class Heroes comes on to perform a song called “Ass Back Home,” (I’d like to buy a verb, if I may). The most notable part of the song is that the lady singing lead is wearing a shirt only in the academic sense; there’s some cloth, and a large sculptural sorta-backward angel wings thing (barely) covering her chest, and both Christina AND Cee Lo must be really covetous of this ensemble. Also, Adam’s team “performs” with Gym Class Heroes, but in reality, they are holding microphones and standing so far back that they’re basically mingling with audience members. And the song is 92% less interesting than “Stereo Hearts,” so color me bored. Let’s move on.

Next, we get to see montages in which this evening’s contestants receive the privilege of watching their mentors Blake and Christina do famous people things (be interviewed at a country radio station and appear on The Tonight Show, respectively). Apparently they’re learning really useful skills for surviving the music industry, such as the comfort level of Jay Leno’s green room couches. It’s so fascinating! No, it’s not. I’d like some results now, please.

Done and done! Blake’s team is up first, and the three saved by the goodwill of AMERICA are (in no particular order, except for the order in which Carson Daly announces them): Erin Willet, who rocked Stevie Wonder’s “Living for the City”; Jermaine Paul, who tanked “Livin’ on a Prayer” but has clearly wowed voters with his potential and deep well of rage; and RaeLynn, who openly swears in surprise, even though I’m not at all surprised since the country voting bloc is huge and mobilized (see: Scotty McCreary, American Idol champion, and I use the word loosely). This means that Jordis Unga, Naia Kete and Charlotte Sometimes will sing for their lives, in a “please let me stay on television” way rather than a Hunger Games way.

And now, we find out who will be saved from Christina Aguilera’s team – cue the light show! (No really, it’s blinding). The three contestants who are moving on are: Jesse Campbell, who has no idea where to go and may have momentarily forgotten that his name was “Jesse Campbell”; Lindsey Pavao, who nearly collapses with joy; and Chris Mann, who proves that the moms of AMERICA are thrilled about the possibility of a handsome young Andrea Bocelli-type on the scene. Unfortunately, this means that either Sera Hill or Ashley De La Rosa will have to leave us this evening (Moses Stone will also sing, but let’s be serious).

Our first last chance singer is Naia Kete, who has oddly and unfortunately chosen Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy.” She tries to make it reggae, then goes for the big notes and veers spine-curlingly off-pitch. Thank you for your time and effort, Naia. The exit is stage left.

Charlotte Sometimes takes the stage to sing “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. She’s slurring AGAIN (seriously, Charlotte, work on this please) and also having some pitch issues, which may be nerves. She’s got a nice presence and shows a lot of emotion – she clearly comes from a theater background – but she should’ve maybe chosen a not-boring song. That would have helped. Still, she’s clearly a favorite of Blake, which has to make her the front-runner to stay, yes?

Well, unless Jordis Unga slays it, that is. But in the pre-commercial teaser, Jordis looks emotionally overwhelmed and ready to faint, which bodes poorly. When Carson announces that she’ll be singing “Wild Horses,” I pray, “please God, don’t wail on this,” since this delicately beautiful song should not be turned into a power ballad. And she doesn’t! She shows wonderful restraint and delivers a lovely, plaintive performance that is her best yet. And so Blake saves her, which shocks me because it is so damn logical. I also surprise myself by feeling badly for Charlotte, who I’ve finally warmed to. Blake comes over to Naia and Charlotte to apologize and wish them well, and they smile and nod and don’t give a damn, they’d rather just sprint offstage and cry. But they pretend, bless their hearts.

And now it’s time for Christina’s team to beg for reprieves. Ashley De La Rosa starts it off with “Paris, Ooh La La” which is a hellaciously awesome choice, if I do say so. She’s raw and full of attitude, as well as a slew of pitch problems. I kinda love it, though I have to smother my inner pitch Nazi with a pillow.

Next up is Sera Hill, and this will stun you, but she has chosen a big R&B diva song, “Vision of Love.” She’s also wearing an asymmetrical dress that I’m liking significantly less than last night’s pantsuit. She seems effortless, though the song ebbs and drags (and she hits a rough patch towards the end). She’s been much better in the past, though she’s undeniably talented.

Meanwhile, when Carson announces that Moses Stone will sing The Script’s “Breakeven,” I loudly exclaim, “Really?!” He sings it pretty well, and thankfully doesn’t add a rap element, but he’s trying so hard to work the stage that he runs out of breath. It’s okay to just stand and sing, buddy. In fact, it’s encouraged. Christina is left with a difficult choice, since none of her three contestants was superlative, but she does the right thing and chooses Ashley, who was, at the very least, interesting. (Meanwhile, when Christina minces onstage to offer parting wishes to Moses and Sera, I wonder how she’s managed to sit, walk or breathe in her extremely tight dress, since she must be Spanx-ed into that thing within an inch of her life. It goes without saying that her breasts play a prominent role in her “look” this evening.)

Carson welcomes back to the stage those who are moving on to the “live quarterfinals!” Guys, this stupid March Madness thing is finally over. Please don’t toss out any brackets or quarterfinals. Anyway, the contestants wander aimlessly around the stage like euphoric sheep as Carson randomly yells their names, so it’s a wonderfully organized and highly entertaining curtain call. He also says good night on behalf of the Voice judges and Christina Milian, who was nowhere to be found tonight – is she chained in the Sprint Social Media Lounge, tweeting for her freedom? Tune in next week to find out!

We begin with Carson Daly reminding us that it was only eight weeks ago that this whole thing started. (For real???) And yet, each judge has only changed his or her clothes once. Consider. Anyway, the judges have “painstakingly” (debatable) picked their teams, and “agonized” (ditto) over who to advance from the battle rounds. But tonight: Blake and Christina’s contestants perform and it is “UP TO AMERICA,” which is perfect since AMERICA has never made an unfortunate choice in one of these televised singing competitions.

And finally, at long last, we’re live! Carson Daly is wearing a suit! Adam is sporting a buzz cut! Cee Lo is wait a second what in the holy hell is Cee Lo wearing?!? Oh, you guys. I cannot. But I must, right? That’s the deal we made? Okay. Cee Lo is dressed like James Brown, complete with a shiny red, low cut (no really, it’s happening) spandex jumpsuit, and a hairpiece that he keeps flipping like Farrah Fawcett. Just when you think that Christina’s sartorial choices can’t be topped, Cee Lo goes and ups the crazy. And it’s on.

Let’s talk about the singing, shall we? Excellent.

Jermaine Paul – who I am openly rooting for, I think he’s awesome – is up first. We get another video recap of his reasons for singing/living/wanting to be famous, and pardon me for a second, folks – ahem, producers? We can skip this.  I could write most of these contestants’ Wikipedia bios from memory at this point. He will sing Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer,” which is a terrible song choice for him unless he decides to switch up the arrangement. Alas, he uses Bon Jovi’s exact arrangement, right down to the key change, with the addition of some tribal drummers and fog. (I don’t know either.) Anyway, the judges – minus his mentor Blake, who gives Jermaine an inexplicable standing ovation (this theme will recur, folks) – mirror my “whazzup with the song choice?” critique, in the gentlest possible way. As they flash the 18 different ways you can vote for him – I didn’t catch them all, but I think you can call, email, text, download the song on iTunes, order a tall skim latte at Starbucks, purchase a purple Kia or skywrite – Jermaine stares furiously into the camera, obviously ticked that he didn’t get a mountain of praise for his above-average karaoke. He may be on the chopping block, folks. Damn.

Next, we see Christina Milian, who is mingling in the “Sprint social media lounge” (oh, dear God) as the contestants tweet and text with fans, which seems like a horrendous use of their pre-performance warm-up time. But such is the world in which we live.

Moving on to Christina Aguilera’s first artist: the opera tenor Chris Mann, who reminds us repeatedly that his mother has (had? it’s unclear) cancer, and he’s doing this for her. In case you missed the subtlety, he will be singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” (for his mom, who has cancer), and he sings it perfectly fine, although a few things: 1) Hasn’t this song already been wildly overdone on these shows? 2) Chris has a hell of a voice, but “pop” is just not his lane, because no matter what pop song he sings, it just sounds like a poor man’s version of those Andrea Bocelli albums where he covers the “hits,” and 3) He brings no emotion to it, so that even when the camera zooms in for its inevitable close-up on Chris’ mom (she has cancer, by the way), we can see that she is proud yet not moved to tears, as someone would be if this was at all memorable. And yet, the judges say that he owned it and it was brilliant. We have reverted to the “everyone is a superstar, now let’s go eat ice cream together in the meadow” model of live-show judging copyrighted by American Idol, and I, for one, am profoundly disappointed. I wanted more, Voice.

A country singer should snap me right out of this funk, right?! (Sorry, I’m cranky.) Well, RaeLynn is up next; she will be doing a countrified version of a Maroon 5 song – which is seriously gutsy, points for that – called “Wake Up Call,” and given RaeLynn’s previous pitch issues we may see Adam Levine seize before this thing is over. But she sings it pretty damn well; it’s an inventive arrangement, and her pitch is good. My one caveat would be that her vocals feel very affected, in a so-twangy-I-can’t-understand-the-words kind of way. Also, she’s shimmying in a way that is a little advanced for a 17-year-old, and Christina will later question the appropriateness of this in perhaps the most egregious pot-kettle incident of our times. Anyway, the judges love it, which will shock you, and Blake says that he’s already hearing excitement about her at the Academy of Country Music Awards, which he hosted this past weekend and which I would not have watched unless being prodded by Taylor Swift with a hot poker.

Moving on! Moses Stone is up next, and we are thankfully now classifying him as a “hip hop artist” rather than the vague and distracting “MC” (I still don’t know.) Moses is going to take on a mashup of “Power” and “Stronger” by Kanye West, and his performance is a template for “trying to do everything and not quite succeeding at anything.” He’s got one hell of a stage presence, but the singing is slightly under pitch, the falsetto is rough, and the rapping seems adequate but not other-worldly (not that I’m a rap aficionado or anything). He is, however, the first performer with a cadre of backup dancers, which I applaud for giving me a reason not to focus on the rapping. The judges talk and…love it! Cee Lo says a lot of nice things but who the hell is listening, we’re still staring in disbelief at the outfit (thankfully, nothing he says is terribly insightful anyway). Adam thought it was vocally underwhelming, and wished he would really sing since he can, and wait, are we about to get some actual judging here? Nope. He undercuts by saying, “But what do I know?” Well, a lot. That’s kind of the point. They pay you a lot of money to know when to say “maybe skip the rapping and sing on key.” Hell, I’m saying it for free, and I certainly don’t have Adam Levine’s credentials.

After the commercial break, we see Betty White in the audience! Where’s she been, anyway? “Are you here to promote your show?” Carson asks (no, Carson, she heard the word on the street and has been aching for a really good Kanye mashup), then follows up with, “Needless to say, we’ll be watching!” It feels needful to say that I will not be watching.

ANYWAY. Up next is Naia Kete, who will be singing an Adele song as required by law (“Turning Tables”). She wants to make it reggae and is convinced by Blake (and the rehearsal pianist, who throws a “what the what” look over) to sing it straight. She starts out by sounding breathy and ethereal, but it then becomes clear that she can’t do any more than that. She has no strength or breath support (she tries to pass off her dropped notes and phrases as emotion, but, uh, no), and though she hits some big notes at the end, it was really rough overall. Christina leads the critiques with a completely half-hearted, “Um…it was cool…” like she’d rather be visiting the Mad Hatter to choose next week’s headpiece. Blake thinks it was awesome, though (who’s surprised?). And Carson wraps up the segment with the speed of an auctioneer and virtually shoves Naia offstage, so we’re clearly starting to run overtime.

Christina’s next contestant is Lindsey Pavao, who has chosen “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye, and references the term “dubstep,” which I know now thanks to friends who are infinitely cooler than I am. She’s the first performer tonight to take her cue from Lady GaGa; not sartorially, thankfully, but in terms of theatricality, since she’s surrounded by masked clown backup dancers. She has a very distinctive voice that Christina praises to the heavens, but there are a few wonky notes in there, and the song stops abruptly. When Adam has the gall to (again, gently) criticize the performance, Lindsey stares daggers at him, and I do believe that these contestants need to take lessons on how to receive criticism. Both Lindsey and Jermaine looked like they wanted to go kick puppies, and this will not endear you to voters, guys.

Moving on to Jordis Unga, who hopefully has control of her nerves this time. She will sing “Alone” by Heart, a song I deeply love but one that has been over-performed on these shows and should only be attempted in cases of extreme competence. She sings it fairly well but changes the damn words, which should never be done to those of us who have memorized the great power ballads of the ’80s, and the famous sing/scream note in the song is too primal and un-musical to really wow. Do the judges mention this? Of course not. They love her guts and singing voice and I need some Cadbury MiniEggs to survive the rest of this critique, be right back.

Sera Hill is up next – remember her, the R&B powerhouse? She will sing a Drake song! Wait, what? Anyway, it’s “Find Your Love,” and she takes the stage with half-naked men hanging all over her, a killer white pantsuit and a diamond-loaded necklace that cannot be real, though it is impressive. Well played all around, Sera. She seems just above the pitch a lot, but she sings the hell out of a song that doesn’t give her a lot to work with anyway. When it comes time for a judges’ critique, Christina and Blake banter about the shirtless dancers (Blake calls them “strippers”) without mentioning the actual, you know, singing, and Carson finally has to follow up with, “Anything else on that? Want to critique the performance?” That pretty much sums up the judging this evening, folks.

Our next contestant will be Erin Willet, who lost her father and will perform in his memory (I feel for her, I really do, but we know). She’ll take on Stevie Wonder’s “Living for the City.” The whole performance has a very Broadway vibe – the stage and backup dancers are styled like a ’60s honky tonk – but she sounds strong, funky, and really good. I was not expecting such a great performance from Erin, who had been good but not amazing thus far. She doesn’t quite have the stage presence of some of the other performers, but Blake is correct (!) when he says that her vocal is the best of the night. (Christina clearly tries to jump in and object on behalf of her team members, but Carson cuts her off, as he is wont to do. I adore him.)

Up next is Ashley De La Rosa, whose two passions are “music and charity.” (Sorry, I just choked on a Cadbury MiniEgg. She also advocates world peace, just FYI.) Ashley takes on Alanis Morissette’s “Right Through You” and does so pretty well; I thought her lane was R&B, but she’s more of a rocker than I gave her credit for (or Christina, who saddled her with a pop/R&B song in the battle rounds). Just like RaeLynn, though, she gets a little too comfortable onstage for a 17-year-old, and when Adam begins his critique with “How old are you???” I wonder in what spirit this question is asked. On the upside, though, no one tonight has looked like they were having as much fun as Ashley onstage, and since Christina’s team isn’t exactly bringin’ it tonight, she gets extra credit for that.

Charlotte Sometimes – who you will recall was really kinda obnoxious in the battle round – is our next contestant, and she’ll be performing Paramore’s “Misery Business” and wants to “soften it up” (probably because she’s now seen her battle footage). She again confuses “jazzy phrasing” with “incomprehensible slurring” at times, but she sings the song really well, and I am surprised to admit that I may have to change my mind about her. Adam hears some pitch issues (maybe, but way less egregious than others tonight), but says that he’s being “hypercritical and nothing that you have to listen to.” Adam, honey, again: You’re making a lot of money here, and the judge sitting next to you is dressed like a bad Vegas impersonator. Go ahead and be the grown up.

Up to the final contestant of the night, folks! Jesse Campbell – whose epic battle footage we’ve now seen more frequently than Betty White – reminds us that he and his daughter were homeless for a while, which explains how he got the pimp slot. He’ll take on “What a Wonderful World,” a classic song…that he does absolutely nothing with. He starts too fast, makes very odd phrasing choices, and brings a very elevator-y arrangement to it. It’s perfectly well-sung pitch-wise, but boring as all heck. But you know what? The judges adore it, and there has never been a better performance in the history of the known universe. Then Cee Lo spends about six of our last eight minutes shaking that damn James Brown wig, Christina questions the sobriety of the other judges, and Carson looks like he’d like to start whomping people on the head with his microphone, which I would fully support. This hasn’t been our judging panel’s finest hour.

So, we’re out! Tonight (Tuesday) we’ll lose six of these people, three per team, since we can only “save” three of Blake’s singers and three of Christina’s. (I like the use of the word “save,” like we’re pulling them back from a jagged cliff.) My choices to save: Charlotte, RaeLynn and Erin from Blake’s team (no one is more surprised than me), and Sera, Jesse and Ashley from Christina’s (based more on potential than performance); this means that we would lose Jermaine (ugh, my heart), Chris, Moses, Naia, Jordis and Lindsey. I guess. Wouldn’t shock me if Jordis or Jermaine snuck through, though. Join me tomorrow for a recap of our first live results show. ‘Til then!

First of all, the film opened yesterday in New York and Los Angeles – unrated. After failing to resolve the dispute with the MPAA, the Weinstein Company decided to release the film without a rating, though according to company reps, talks are ongoing.

Despite the lack of a rating, several cinemas are planning to show the film – but are treating it as if it were rated R, so no one under 17 can get in without an adult present. AMC Theatres are taking a more lenient stance, allowing children and teenagers to see the film with signed permission slips. (Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Times is reporting that the Weinstein Company may cave after all and re-cut the film for a PG-13; the rating would require the excision of the offending language, so the PG-13 Bully would not be just a bleeped version but a different cut entirely.)

The film will be expanding in the coming weeks, but it’s likely headed only to big, urban theaters (on April 13th, the film expands to Boston, Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, Philly and Minneapolis, but no other cities are posted yet). However, there is a “Bring Bully to your city!” campaign on the website where you can petition for the film to appear in your area.

Thanks to the MPAA controversy, the film has received a groundswell of support from celebrities (many of them, ahem, affiliated with the Weinstein Company). The cynical among us may say that the MPAA’s decision was the best thing that could have happened to Bully, since it’s created a firestorm of publicity that a small, indie documentary could never have hoped to gain on its own. Either way, it will still certainly get its ass kicked at the box office by The Hunger Games, a post-apocalyptic tale of teenagers killing each other for sport…that is rated PG-13.

What a wonderful world.

Before we jump in, a quick note: I think we may have found The Voice‘s achilles heel. There are only three phases, all of them endless, and in two of them, we have to stare at Christina’s head-scratching (literally) fashion choices for weeks on end. That hat plate was delightfully eccentric in week one, and now I’m ready to heave it like a discus out of my field of sight. Anyone else? Even Carson Daly’s voiceover sounds utterly delighted about moving on to the live shows next week.

Our first battle tonight will feature Cee Lo’s team: Boston mechanic James Massone will take on Wade (this “no last name” trend must be stopped, particularly for those with names as common as “Wade”) to the tune of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors.” Because who loves the ’80s? CEE LO LOVES THE ’80s.

Two things stick out in rehearsal footage: Neither of these guys are terribly comfortable with this song, which does not a memorable performance make; and James is wearing a headband. In mentoring session, James gets Ne-Yo, and he “doesn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of Ne-Yo” (still wearing the headband, so too late). Wade gets Babyface, and shows a lot of improvement, bringing an unexpected gospel-y tone to the song. In their final rehearsal together, both are so nervous that they’re vibrating like hummingbirds, but their duet is good enough to make Cee Lo cry. “Wow!” you might say, but it’s not that overwhelming; Cee Lo’s bar for weeping is pretty low tonight. More on that later.

For their performance, James marches into the arena wearing that letterman’s jacket – again – but it has his initials on it, and silvery arms so shiny that I wonder if they were the product of a tin foil challenge on Project Runway. I am pleased to report that, in the duet itself, James has finally learned the words to “True Colors”; I am less pleased to report that it still sounds like he is singing directly through his nose and into the microphone. I’m hoping Wade will be better – he showed promise with Babyface! – but his pitch takes a nosedive. On the upside, he’s improved his stage presence since his audition, in which he stood in one spot, petrified. The moral of the story: This is a battle in which the term “winner” will be used loosely, and it’s certainly not worthy of a good cry. And yet Cee Lo nearly starts again – while explaining that he kinda stacked the deck because he wanted Wade to win, but James (barely) outsang him – until Carson abruptly cuts him off. It’s fantastic. James moves on, which is not.

Next up is Adam’s team, and he pits piano country girl Nicolle Galyon against the nursing student whose parents wish she was still in college, Mathai. They will sing “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles, which he picks specifically to showcase Nicolle’s piano chops and Mathai’s jazzy flair. In mentoring, Robin Thicke screams “I want to take you to prom!” while Nicolle is mid-phrase (credit to her for singing through the madness), then compliments her by saying her voice is “morning coffee on the veranda.” (Note to producers: Thickie might need his own show.) Meanwhile, Mathai is still trying to twist the notes in a Duffy-type way, and Alanis Morissette encourages her to lengthen her notes. At the final rehearsal, Adam decides to ixnay the piano because he doesn’t want Nicolle worrying about it, when in reality, taking her binkie away is more likely to shake her confidence than boost it.

On to the performance! And it’s another rough one. Nicolle is battling some hellacious nerves, and though she opens sounding respectively Bareilles-like, she starts to fall apart. Mathai struts around the stage doing her Adele-wannabe thing, but I’ll be honest: She’s not nearly as good as she thinks she is. The judges love her, though, and put Nicolle through the ringer, calling her “generic” and saying the choice is a “no brainer,” but the spectacle turns to farce when Cee Lo compares Mathai to Christina (who politely says “Thank you!” rather than turning into a fire-breathing dragon, which would have been justified). Adam ends the madness by acknowledging that the whole thing kind of stunk, but he sends Mathai through. Her parents hug her enthusiastically, with nary a word about med school.

And now, we segue to Christina’s final group battle: MC Moses Stone (I still don’t know what the hell that means, but he’s basically a rap/singer hybrid) against country duo The Line. They look surprised to be paired, but since they’re the last two left in Christina’s jungle fever living room, it can’t be a shock. They will sing “Satisfaction,” which is a choice that perfectly suits neither of them; in one of my favorite moments of the night, The Line wish aloud they had gotten a country song, rather than one of the all-time greatest songs in the history of human civilization, and I officially join Team Moses.

In mentoring, Lionel Ritchie tells Moses that he has a wonderful singing voice and is more than just a rapper; this is not entirely true, but Lionel’s enthusiastic and Moses gains confidence, so awesome. The Line rehearses with Jewel, who wears a sour, disgusted look and basically calls them a wedding band. Looks like our mentors came to play, folks! The Line talks about all of Jewel’s helpful advice, though I’m not sure “don’t be a wedding band” is super-helpful. At the final rehearsal, Christina is inexplicably coaching while holding a bright red, self-styled microphone, and I can’t figure out for the life of me why she brought her own mic, but…oh, it’s so she could jump into the fray and show them how it’s done. That was predictable. Those pesky, actually-need-rehearsal-time contestants can’t have all the fun.

After the ad break, we duel! The female member of The Line – I apologize, I don’t know her name, but I suppose this is better than “blond girl” – is rocking a tambourine, since they apparently took her guitar away. Moses is a little weak vocally, but he’s got a ton of energy – which he clearly inherited from his mother, who is bounding along in the audience – and his rap breakdown mid-song isn’t as blasphemous as I would have expected. The Line’s harmonies aren’t bad either, and Line Girl (better? no?) actually shows a pretty cool, raspy grit when she gets to sing solo. Overall, it’s not terrible, though the fundamentally different styles didn’t work in perfect harmony. Christina rationalizes picking the non-singer by saying “The Voice does not have to be a big voice!” which, sure, but it also doesn’t mean “can’t so much sing.” The Line look defeated, then outright pissed, as Christina chooses Moses. And they have a point, but they should’ve chosen Blake as their mentor when they had the chance.

Now that her team is completed, Christina sits back and sips a Starbucks latte. No, really. Here are the six singers that she will be sending through to the live shows, in descending order from “could totally win this thing” to “not a chance in hell”: R&B stunner Sera Hill, battle royale victor Jesse Campbell, cute teen Ashley De La Rosa, quirky Lindsey Pavao, MC (seriously, what does that mean) Moses Stone, and opera tenor Chris Mann.

Next up is Adam’s final pairing: folky Karla Davis versus soul-y Orlando Napier. At first, he assigns them Hall and Oates’ “Rich Girl,” which Orlando doesn’t know (“Go get the song in iTunes!” Adam yells. Is Apple a new sponsor? “Then listen to it on your iPhone, and Facetime me with your thoughts!” he follows up, in my mind.) However, iTunes purchase or no, the song clearly isn’t working, so Adam settles on Lionel Ritchie’s “Easy.” Karla – who I have no recollection of whatsoever – shows a nice sense of humor in her mentoring session. To help her hit the high notes, Adam and Alanis create “Bertha,” the “big girl inside” Karla who can hit high notes, and when “Bertha” successfully hits one, Karla takes a victory lap around the piano. Robin teaches Orlando to project using vowels, and my roommate is stunned: “These are actually useful!” Indeed. Welcome to the anti-Idol. The water is warm, my friend. Hop in.

They take the stage in the battle ring, Karla wearing her nicest spangled plaid shirt (I like her, but jeez, dress the part a little). I was hoping Carson would introduce Orlando as “the bluesy jailbird,” but we can’t always get what we want. Orlando starts strong, soulfully, though he doesn’t interact with Karla at all; he also gets the entire first verse and chorus, and considering these performances are 90 seconds long, I’m wondering if Karla will get to sing, or if she’s only there for moral support. But Karla jumps in on the second verse with a nice, bluesy tone. They end nicely, with good harmony, and I think they’d be a good duo; hell, let’s keep ‘em both. Christina wishes the performance was more dynamic, though it’s not really a dynamo of a song, remember? It’s easy like Sunday morning, and kind of inherently dull. Cee Lo talks for a while without saying anything, until Carson cuts him off with “OkaythankyouCeeLo. ADAM.” Ladies and gents, the winner of this battle is Carson. Actually, it’s Karla. I would’ve picked Orlando, but then I’m not wearing an ugly headpiece or stroking a cat or driving a Kia, so I’m ineligible.

And now for our rundown of Adam’s completed team, best to worst: Chaka Kim Yarbrough, Mouseketeer Tony Lucca, soulful cubicle worker Katrina Parker, our little buddy Pip, plaid-clad Karla Davis, and she-should-really-stick-to-med-school Mathai.

And now for Blake’s final battle, which will pit folky Rasta Naia Kete with country boy (emphasis on the “boy,” he looks about twelve) Jordan Rager. They will perform “a Jason Mraz song called ‘I’m Yours,’” Blake announces, as though we haven’t heard it eight zillion times. And yet Jordan is unfamiliar with the song, meaning he hasn’t listened to the radio at all since 2008. He also doesn’t know how to sing harmony, so this is shaping up to be quite the dogfight.

In rehearsals, Jordan’s attempts to harmonize make me say “oof” aloud. No way he doesn’t get the therapy session with Blake and Miranda and a complimentary Starbucks beverage. Naia gets to meet Kelly Clarkson, and comes to rehearsal dressed like an elvish princess. She impresses them, as she should; this song is kind of written for her.

In the battle ring, Jason starts the song by yelling, “C’mon, y’all!” just as I’m sure Jason Mraz does. And oh, you guys, the pitch. Naia’s terribly nervous, and Jordan’s not nailing his harmonies the way he was trying to, and yeesh. Naia busts out a little towards the end of the song, but pitch is still a problem. Blake goes after the pair of them with a polite but firm “what the hell, you guys,” before eventually selecting Naia, and Jordan shows more class and maturity than I would have expected from a middle-schooler.

And now for Blake’s roster: the awesome Jermaine Paul, nervous Naia Kete, even-more-nervous Jordis Unga, kinda obnoxious Charlotte Sometimes, sympathy vote-getter Erin Willet and green country girl RaeLynn. Jermaine has a great chance to win this thing; everyone else, thanks for playing.

After the break: Cee Lo cries. AGAIN.

Our final battle of the night will feature Broadway belter Tony Vincent versus raspy Justin Hopkins. Cee Lo assigns them “Faithfully” by Journey, and I honestly think that Cee Lo would trade his current career for the chance to front an ’80s cover band. Lord almighty. We recap Tony Vincent’s audition, which reminds me of the surprise I felt upon learning he was straight (he has a very pregnant wife, but wears a lot of eyeliner). Justin admits that he’s intimidated by Tony’s (huge) range. In his interview footage, Tony responds thusly: “Even though I come from a theater background, that doesn’t mean that I have a leg up,” he says, cocking an eyebrow like he’s pretty sure he has a leg up. In the first rehearsal, Cee Lo starts sobbing AGAIN, and at this point he’s either sleep-deprived or allergic to that cat. Because this is getting ridiculous; I didn’t cry this much at Toy Story 3.

Finally, the last battle begins, and my God, but Justin is pumped. He sprints through the tunnel and into the ring, while Tony struts out like he’s on a runway. I’m just hoping this is as good as the Glee version of “Faithfully” (my inner dork is showing). Tony sounds great, but then he should; he’s used to performing, he should nail this. Justin opens up and I love his raspy tone. He’s way outpacing his audition. They both sound terrific, and Tony’s tearing in like it’s his showcase number at the end of Act 2. (See above.) The song ends with Tony aiming for the big notes; it’s not pretty, as he makes faces like he’s being stabbed, but it’s on pitch. Cee Lo’s voice cracks as he begins to speak, and dear God, not again. But he holds it together and picks Tony; Justin looks politely devastated, and I feel for him. There is no loser in this battle. In interview footage, Cee Lo says that it breaks his heart to have to let Justin go while stroking the cat, so it seems somewhat less than heartbreaking, since I’m rolling my eyes heavenward.

And now Cee Lo’s team is set: our talented reclamation project Jamar Rogers, showtune king Tony Vincent, rocker Juliet Simms, headband-wearing Bah-ston boy James Massone, can-belt-but-needs-a-tuner Cheesa, and Lord-help-us Erin Martin.

Onward to the live shows! Who ya got, b-rollers? There will be TWO nights of this next week, so I think a live blog is in order, so that I don’t actually sleep through Wednesday. See you next Monday AND Tuesday!

1. Opinions about movies are subjective and intensely personal. Remember this old chestnut of logic and emotional maturity? It’s worth revisiting. Different people like different movies to a different degree, and at times, you will say, “Wait, THAT won? Really?!” Yes, really. We’re allowed to disagree.
2. Speaking of, there have always been “egregious” oversights. DEAL WITH IT.
   To those who hollered “For SHAME!” over The Social Network‘s loss to The King’s Speech or The Artist’s win over The Descendents (et al): This has always happened. You know what else lost? Apocalypse Now to Kramer vs. Kramer. E.T. to freaking Ghandi. Know what wasn’t even nominated? Singin’ in the Rain, The Seven Samurai and Some Like It Hot. Know what WAS nominated? Babe, Four Weddings and a Funeral (which I like, for the record, but honestly?), and Master and Commander: The Far Side of the Universe. Of the Top 20 films on IMDb’s Top 250 (as rated by users), a third were Best Picture winners (6), a third were nominated but didn’t win (7), and a third weren’t even nominated (7). The good ones will thrive anyway. This is not a national tragedy.
3. That reminds me: if you want a Best Picture nomination, make a tragic film; if you can’t, make an epic film. If you can make an epic laced with tragedy, book a limo and tux. Did you ever see that episode of Extras when Kate Winslet made a Holocaust film because that was the one sure way to win an Oscar? Them’s the facts.
4. In a related story, it’s not (just) that Oscar voters lack a sense of humor. More than anything, they lack a sense of adventure. Sure, there’s an astounding lack of recognition of comedic films and performances; that’s well-documented. But it’s amazing to see all of the innovative (and sometimes, admittedly bizarre) work that was passed over in favor of traditional, Oscar-bait dramas. In 2000, neither The Matrix nor Fight Club was nominated for Best Picture – but thank God The Cider House Rules locked down a spot.

So, now that we’re primed with some examples, let’s dive in! I’ve based these on years that I feel comfortable judging, having seen most or all of the nominated films; as always, these opinions are mine and mine alone. Feel free to disagree, and I thoroughly look forward to hearing your reactions, b-rollers. Onward!

Way off, Oscar voters…

1998: Titanic over LA Confidential. I will admit that, at the time, I was fully onboard (Ha! Sorry.) with a Titanic victory. I was 16, and irrationally in love with Leonardo DiCaprio this romantic epic. Then I saw it in college, settled in for the BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD and realized that…oh. Titanic kinda sucks. It’s waaaay too long (a recurring James Cameron issue – see Avatar), and while the effects are phenomenal, it’s mystifying that Cameron managed to get Twilight-level-awful performances from two of our finest actors, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. Meanwhile, have you seen LA Confidential? It’s taut and twisty and brilliant, and unfortunately had the bad luck to be swallowed up in Titanic‘s wake. (I’ll stop.) (Notably absent from that year’s race: Boogie Nights, Donnie Brasco and the clever, prescient Wag the Dog.)

2007: The Departed over Little Miss Sunshine. The more I thought about these movies, the more I realized that Little Miss Sunshine deserved the win. The Departed slowly deteriorates the more you see it – honestly, as great as Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg are, Jack Nicholson lost his godforsaken mind – and Little Miss Sunshine only gets better.

1953: Anything whatsoever (okay, The Greatest Show on Earth) over Singin’ in the Rain. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WASN’T NOMINATED?! (Nominated in place of the greatest musical ever: High Noon and The Quiet Man. How did THOSE lose?)

2006: Crash over Brokeback Mountain. At the time, I thought it was a toss-up, but the thing about Brokeback Mountain is that it quietly sneaks up on you. In Crash, people scream, and cry, and, well, crash; Brokeback is all about subtle moments. And Oscar does not enjoy subtlety. (Also that year: nominees Capote and Good Night, and Good Luck. would have been worthy recipients, but seemed to be unfairly tagged simply as “actor showcase” movies for Philip Seymour Hoffman and David Strathairn. They were much more than that, though.)

1965: My Fair Lady over Dr. Strangelove and Mary Poppins. If My Fair Lady wasn’t going to lose to a brilliant satiric masterpiece, it could at least have been bested by a superior musical. But that may be the leftover bias of my childhood speaking; I wore my Mary Poppins VHS out. Step in time!

2002: A Beautiful Mind over Moulin Rouge!. See my earlier comments re: originality. A Beautiful Mind is a lovely, well-acted film; Moulin Rouge! is a genre-bending work of art. Some hated it, which is fine and kind of the point; it was so original that you’d never, ever seen anything like it, so if it wasn’t your cup of tea, fair enough. As for me, I marvel at it. (Excluded from the race that year: the also-thoroughly-unique Amelie and Memento.)

1983: Ghandi over E.T. and Tootsie. See above, but seriously? A classic example of the holier-than-thou Oscars at work. Thank God the classics survive.

2005: Million Dollar Baby over the not-even-nominated Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I unabashedly adore Eternal Sunshine - it manages to be both strange and clever and knock-you-out heartfelt, and I didn’t think Jim Carrey was capable of that kind of restraint. It’s a great, underrated love story. Meanwhile, though I sobbed through Million Dollar Baby at the time (didn’t you?), it’s a movie I have no desire to watch again, and the memories I have of it are not aging well.

It’s arguable, but this could’ve gone either way.

2011: The King’s Speech over Inception and The Social Network. I have already shared some thoughtson this matter, though I will admit it was close. That being said, while the race ultimately narrowed to King’s Speech vs. Social Network, Inception was a big, brainy blockbuster that deserved more recognition than it got.

1995: Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption. I loved Forrest Gump, and still do. Now, I’d probably go with the less sentimental but beautifully felt Shawshank – which is, incidentally, the top-rated film on IMDb – but it’s not a slam dunk. Pulp Fiction deserves to be part of the conversation, though it’s not favorite.

2009: Slumdog Millionaire over the not-nominated The Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder and WALL-E. I thoroughly enjoyed Slumdog, and think it was a worthy honoree; that being said, I still think WALL-E was the best film of that year, and The Dark Knight and Tropic Thunder were superb films that far surpassed their standard “comic book movie” or “raunchy comedy” labels.

1978: Annie Hall over Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It’s hard to overlook the visionary Star Wars (or Close Encounters), but Annie Hall is a classic of its genre. The standard “what’s your pleasure” choice.

2010: The Hurt Locker over Inglourious Basterds. Inglourious Basterds is the only Quentin Tarantino film I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, so I may be a bit biased, but I liked its cleverness and enthusiasm. The Hurt Locker was a wonderful choice too. (And no, I will not consider Avatar. Stunningly beautiful, but SO BORING.)

1994: Braveheart over Apollo 13 and the (snubbed) Toy Story and The Usual Suspects. Not a shock that Oscar went with the sweeping epic, though I think Apollo 13 is the superior film. Also, if ”we” knew then how revolutionary Pixar would be – to animation and to the film industry in general – would Toy Story have gotten more recognition than it did? Interesting thought.

2001: Gladiator over Chocolat and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know Chocolat is slight, but oh, how I adore it. And Crouching Tiger is absolutely breathtaking, immersive from start to finish. (I remember reading an interview with Steven Spielberg and Ang Lee, and Spielberg was stunned by the fact that Lee didn’t use storyboards on Crouching Tiger. Just imagine a scenario in which Steven Spielberg is overwhelmed by another director’s skill.) That being said, Gladiator was that rare epic that was extremely human, thanks to Russell Crowe, so we’ll allow it. 

1977: Rocky over Network, Taxi Driver and All the President’s Men. As much as I love inspirational sports films, I can’t BELIEVE that All the President’s Men and Taxi Driver lost to a boxing movie. But it is THE boxing movie and one of THE all-time inspirational sports films, so I don’t think it’s overwhelmingly egregious.

Totally got it right. Well done.

1999: Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan. Oh, the outrage. Look, here’s why I agree with this: Shakespeare in Love is erudite, well-acted and playful. It’s not a trifle. But when what is, in essence, a romantic comedy beats two war movies and a Holocaust film, mass hysteria ensues. Folks, let’s not overthink this; it’s okay to like the non-heavy movie more. Really. Take a few deep breaths. It’ll all be okay.

2003: Chicago over The Pianist and Gangs of New York. In a related story…I know that The Pianist is a beautiful film, but it’s not inherently better simply because it’s a tragic true story. Chicago was sensational, and a brilliant example of how to make a modern musical. It deserved to win. 

1992: Silence of the Lambs over JFK and Beauty and the Beast. I love what JFK was doing, but as is so often the case, Oliver Stone kind of loses the thread. And while Beauty and the Beast is one of Disney’s greatest achievements, there was no beast like Hannibal Lecter.

1993: Schindler’s List over The Fugitive. Well, duh. There was no competition that year, even though The Fugitive is one of the all-time great action films. But Schindler’s List is Spielberg’s masterpiece.

1997: The English Patient over Jerry Maguire and Fargo. I’m about to contradict myself by picking the sweeping, tragic epic over the comedies, but…The English Patient was a great freaking movie.

1944: Casablanca over everything. Casablanca beat nine other films for the top prize: For Whom the Bell Tolls, Heaven Can Wait, The Human Comedy, In Which We Serve, Madame Curie, The More the Merrier, The Ox-Bow Incident, The Song of Bernadette and Watch on the Rhine. Would you pick any of those over Casablanca? I didn’t think so.

Best years in movies ever?

1940: Gone With the Wind over Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, John Ford’s Stagecoach, Olivier’s Wuthering Heights and The Wizard of Oz. Dear God in heaven. (That being said, I really don’t like Gone with the Wind. Call it my Northern bias or love of historical accuracy, but the film’s introduction – There was a land of Cavaliers and Cotton Fields called the Old South. Here in this pretty world, Gallantry took its last bow… – triggers my gag reflex.)

Alternately, I bring you…

1968: In the Heat of the Night over Bonnie and Clyde, The Graduate, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner and the not-nominated Two for the Road. Not a bad year when you have TWO landscape-altering films (Bonnie and Clyde and The Graduate) that lose to a worthy movie.

Maybe the worst year for movies ever?

2008: And the nominees are No Country for Old Men (winner), Juno, Michael Clayton, Atonement and There Will Be Blood. I liked Juno (though it did seem to be standing on the “quirky, clever Sundance” shoulders of Little Miss Sunshine the year before), and enjoyed Michael Clayton in an “I’m glad I saw it” kinda way, but thought the rest of these films were pretty meh. Did any of them truly wow you? Me either. (I might have switched in Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd or Ben Affleck’s terrific Gone Baby Gone, but I didn’t think they were other-worldly, either.)

I’m not informed enough/care deeply enough to make a call, but talk amongst yourselves.

How Green Was My Valley over Citizen Kane and The Maltese Falcon (1942); Driving Miss Daisy over Born on the Fourth of July, Field of Dreams and Dead Poets Society (O Captain, My Captain!) (1990); From Here to Eternity over Shane and Roman Holiday (1953); Midnight Cowboy over Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1970); Rebecca over The Grapes of Wrath and The Philadelphia Story (that one hurts) (1941); The French Connection over A Clockwork Orange (1973); Bridge on the River Kwai over 12 Angry Men (1958); An American in Paris over A Streetcar Named Desire (1952); Going My Way over Double Indemnity (1945); All About Eve over Sunset Boulevard, Born Yesterday and The Third Man (not nominated) (1951).

What say you, b-rollers?